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“Get back here immigrant!”
“Damn not another Mexican!”
“He's not getting by this time!”
“Speedy Gonzalez? He knows my sister!”
“Speedy Gonzalez knows everyone's sister! Heheheheheheheheheheheheh”
“Neo... this is loco!”
Speedy Gonzalez (September 17, 1955 - November 30 1980) also known as "that illegal immigrant you hired to work for less than a worm a day", and "the fastest mouse in all of Mexico", is one of Warner Brothers most controversial employees. In order to appeal to a larger fanbase, the Warner Brothers company began searching the largest "villages" (groups of porta-potties) in Mexico for a unique star.
Speedy was once again trying to cross the border into the U.S. by asking the guards politely to lt him through until they started shooting at him. Once they started shooting at him he would run as fast as he could to try and dodge the bullets (which hardly ever worked). He was busy pretending to be able to dodge the bullets when a large Warner Brothers van pulled up and forced him to sign a cheap contract.
After his forced employment by Warner Brothers, Speedy Gonzalez became a figurehead to show everyone that the company, and its popular show (which was renamed Loony Tunes, from its original title "Why Americans Are Best", after Speedy's addition) were not as racist as everyone said. They proved this by giving Speedy a large threadbare sombrero to wear along with a worn out poncho thingy. Speedy stared in several tv movies including:
- Return of the Mexican
- Poverty, An Insider's View
- The Poor and the Powerless
- A Mexican Thanksgiving (there was no budget for food)
- Border Crossing, A Tragedy
In all these starring roles, Speedy made an amazing $2 for his skills.
Because Speedy has made so much money with his acting career, many of his fans have sent him letters asking just what he does with his money. Does he send it to his family in Mexico? Did he buy a mansion? Here is his mass response to all the questions:
I have received several letters with questions regarding the spending of my profits. Bueno, primero, I mean uh firstly I do in fact send part of the money I earn to my family in Mexico. With the remaining penny, a still immense fortune, I think you'll agree, I buy myself one miniature gumball for the only dinner I eat each year. I hope this has answered all your questions. Thank you.
Signed, Speedy Gonzalez
Speedy also enjoys:
- spreading the plague
- begging on the street
- demanding manual labor
- being poor
- not being paid
- Montezuma's Revenge
- Love in the time of cholera
After the end of Looney Tunes, Speedy Gonzalez was deported back to Mexico. There he took up some hobbies including:
- misleading tourists
- begging on the street
- trying to get food
- growing marijuana
- begging border guards to let him through
Although he tried to have a good life in Mexico, it was nothing compared to what it had been before. It was this shitty ass life that would eventually lead Speedy to try and cross the border without U.S. permission, like so many of his countymen. His family told him it was a suicide run and, although he was fast, he wasn't fucking Superman. Speedy died on Nov 30, 1980 at Vine Tree Hospital in Dallas Texas due to Colon Cancer.
If you liked this tale of the life, carrer, and death of Speedy Gonzalez, some other things you might enjoy are:
|Looney Tunes & Merrie Melodies|
|Primary: Bugs Bunny • Daffy Duck • Porky Pig • Elmer Fudd • Sylvester • Tweety Bird • Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner • Foghorn Leghorn • Pepé Le Pew • Yosemite Sam • Speedy Gonzalez • Marvin the Martian • Tasmanian Devil • The Barnyard Dawg • Henery Hawk|
|Secondary: Bosko • Clyde Rabbit • Buddy • Goopy Geer • Foxy • Piggy • Beans • Michigan J. Frog • Petunia Pig • Rocky and Mugsy • Granny • Hector the Bulldog • Goofy Gophers • Cecil Turtle • Sylvester, Jr. • Gossamer • Spike the Bulldog and Chester the Terrier Hippety Hopper • Marc Antony and Pussyfoot • Witch Hazel • The Three Bears • Hubie and Bertie • Claude Cat • Sniffles • Ralph Phillips • Beaky Buzzard • Willoughby • Charlie Dog • Pete Puma • Crusher • Count Blood Count • Private Snafu • Sam Sheepdog and Ralph Wolf • Slowpoke Rodriguez • K-9 • Merlin the Magic Mouse and Second Banana • Blacque Jacque Shellacque • Nasty Canasta • Cool Cat • Penelope Pussycat • Egghead Jr.|
|Comics and TV Shows: Honey Bunny • Wendell T. Wolf • Digeri Dingo • Daniel and Timothy Platypus • Lola Bunny • Melissa Duck • I.Q. Hi • Star Johnson • Queen Tyr'ahnee|
|Tiny Toon Adventures : Babs and Buster Bunny • Plucky Duck • Hamton J. Pig • Montana Max • Elmyra Duff • Dizzy Devil • Furrball • Calamity Coyote • Little Beeper • Gogo Dodo • Sweetie Pie • Shirley the Loon • Fifi La Fume • Li'l Sneezer • Concord Condor • Byron Basset • Fowlmouth • Arnold the Pitbull • Barky Marky • Mary Melody|
|Animaniacs : Yakko, Wakko, and Dot • Ralph the Guard • Thaddeus Plotz • Dr. Otto Scratchansniff • Hello Nurse • Ms. Flamiel • Pinky and the Brain • Snowball the Hamster • Slappy Squirrel • Skippy Squirrel • Walter Wolf • Buttons and Mindy • The Goodfeathers • Rita and Runt • Flavio and Marita • Minerva Mink • Chicken Boo • Katie Ka-Boom • Mr. Skullhead|
|Hanna-Barbera : • Ruff and Reddy • Huckleberry Hound • Yogi Bear • Loopy de Loop • The Flintstones • The Jetsons • Top Cat • Wally Gator • Lippy the Lion • Touche Turtle • Space Ghost • Scooby Doo|
|Other Cartoons : Freakazoid! • Road Rovers • Histeria! (Characters)|