Speedy Gonzalez

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“Get back here immigrant!”

~ Border Patrol Offical on Speedy Gonzalez

“Damn not another Mexican!”

~ A Texan on Speedy Gonzalez

“He's not getting by this time!”

~ Chuck Norris on Speedy Gonzalez

“Speedy Gonzalez? He knows my sister!”

“Speedy Gonzalez knows everyone's sister! Heheheheheheheheheheheheh”

~ Oscar Wilde on Everyone

“Neo... this is loco!”

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Speedy Gonzalez.

Speedy Gonzalez (September 17, 1955 - November 30 1980) also known as "that illegal immigrant you hired to work for less than a worm a day", and "the fastest mouse in all of Mexico", is one of Warner Brothers most controversial employees. In order to appeal to a larger fanbase, the Warner Brothers company began searching the largest "villages" (groups of porta-potties) in Mexico for a unique star.


Speedy was once again trying to cross the border into the U.S. by asking the guards politely to lt him through until they started shooting at him. Once they started shooting at him he would run as fast as he could to try and dodge the bullets (which hardly ever worked). He was busy pretending to be able to dodge the bullets when a large Warner Brothers van pulled up and forced him to sign a cheap contract.


After his forced employment by Warner Brothers, Speedy Gonzalez became a figurehead to show everyone that the company, and its popular show (which was renamed Loony Tunes, from its original title "Why Americans Are Best", after Speedy's addition) were not as racist as everyone said. They proved this by giving Speedy a large threadbare sombrero to wear along with a worn out poncho thingy. Speedy stared in several tv movies including:

  • Return of the Mexican
  • Poverty, An Insider's View
  • The Poor and the Powerless
  • A Mexican Thanksgiving (there was no budget for food)
  • Border Crossing, A Tragedy

In all these starring roles, Speedy made an amazing $2 for his skills.

Personal life[edit]

Because Speedy has made so much money with his acting career, many of his fans have sent him letters asking just what he does with his money. Does he send it to his family in Mexico? Did he buy a mansion? Here is his mass response to all the questions:

Cquote1.png Dear Fans,
I have received several letters with questions regarding the spending of my profits. Bueno, primero, I mean uh firstly I do in fact send part of the money I earn to my family in Mexico. With the remaining penny, a still immense fortune, I think you'll agree, I buy myself one miniature gumball for the only dinner I eat each year. I hope this has answered all your questions. Thank you.

Signed, Speedy Gonzalez

Speedy also enjoys:

  • spreading the plague
  • begging on the street
  • demanding manual labor
  • being poor
  • not being paid
  • Montezuma's Revenge
  • Love in the time of cholera


After the end of Looney Tunes, Speedy Gonzalez was deported back to Mexico. There he took up some hobbies including:

A poster put up by the border patrol.
  • misleading tourists
  • begging on the street
  • trying to get food
  • growing marijuana
  • begging border guards to let him through

Although he tried to have a good life in Mexico, it was nothing compared to what it had been before. It was this shitty ass life that would eventually lead Speedy to try and cross the border without U.S. permission, like so many of his countymen. His family told him it was a suicide run and, although he was fast, he wasn't fucking Superman. Speedy died on Nov 30, 1980 at Vine Tree Hospital in Dallas Texas due to Colon Cancer.

See also[edit]

If you liked this tale of the life, carrer, and death of Speedy Gonzalez, some other things you might enjoy are: