Spermicide

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The tragic aftermath of spermicide.

“Live and let live, that's what I always say.”

~ Oscar Wilde on spermicide

“It's a lot like genocide if you really think about it. It will not prevent STD's.”

~ Pope Benedict XVI on spermocide

Spermicide is the mass killing of defenseless sperm. The United Nations Council on Human Rights has declared it an indefensible violation on the dignity of life, though this declaration is widely understood to lack teeth. Acts of spermicide in the Third World are routinely ignored by industrialized nations, and frequently given the euphemism "ethnic cleansing". Furthermore, historical incidents which could be considered spermicide committed by industrialized nations are justified as legitimate military actions or simply collateral damage. A concise definition of spermicide has proved difficult to pin down, and accusations of spermicide are highly contentious and often seen as politically-motivated.

Spermicide throughout History[edit]

Early Record of Spermicide[edit]

The first recorded incident of spermicide is in the Bible's Book of Genesis. In the thirty-eighth chapter, Onan the son of Judah "spills his seed on the ground", where one may assume they withered and died in absolute agony. According to the narrative, God smote Onan over this atrocity.

Spermicide in the Roman Empire[edit]

In Commentarii de Bello Gallico, Julius Caesar brazenly recounts encircling a village of sperm in Gaul: "Caesar, having courageously besieged the village rife with barbarian sperm, did then give the sign that the legion should move upon them, and he left not a one living afterward." This tactic is believed to have inspired great terror in the Helvetii.

In the year 66, Emperor Nero dispatched Vespasian to the province of Iudaea to quell a massive Hebrew uprising. He marched on a small city of Jewish sperm, intending to set a ruthless example. The classification of this tragic event as spermicide has been controversial because the sperm committed suicide rather than submit to Gentile tyranny.

Byzantine Period[edit]

In 671, the navy of Constantinople incinerated over 500 sperm with Greek fire in the Black Sea. Though widely seen as a hostile act meant to intimidate the Umayyads, some nationalistic Turkish historians today regard the event as a misunderstanding, that the Byzantines had mistaken the sperm for pirates.

Early Modern Era[edit]

The Maritime Revolution in Western Europe brought opportunities for new cultural conflicts. One of Hernan Cortes's first acts upon landing on the Yucatan Peninsula was to make a dubious gift of disease-contaminated blankets to local sperm. Though still talked about in Mexico, many Spanish insist this story is nothing more than Black Legend propaganda or cite grim statistics on Mayan sperm sacrifice.

Sperm who tried to escape Caribbean sugar plantations were frequently executed. Cruelty of this sort prompted many uprisings on Hispaniola. Recently, archaeologists have begun investigating sites of possible runaway sperm villages.

During the American Revolution, tarring, feathering, and hanging sperm who expressed Loyalist sympathies was a common occurrence, though the study of this ugly side of the War for Independence does not feature prominently in American public school textbooks.

Spermicide Today[edit]

Reports of spermicide are more widespread than ever. Soviet-Era spermicide is difficult to document, but Stalinist policies are believed to have led to the deaths of hundreds of trillions of sperm. In the last decade, incidents of Spermicide have been carried out in such former Soviet republics as Serbia and Belarus. Spermicide was employed as a form of narcoterrorism in Columbia by cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar. Reports that the FARC have repeatedly utilized similar tactics in the past decade are widespread.

Apart from the United Nations, the biggest opponent of spermicide is the Roman Catholic Church. Pope Benedict XVI has threatened to excommunicate anyone guilty of this crime. We warned you about him, his powers are not to be trifled with. He is after all a dragon and he don't tolerate none of yo' sass. His predecessor took a similarly dim view in light of the Monica Lewinsky affair.

Weapons used against sperm[edit]

For centuries, spermicide was carried out with spears and swords. Modern spermicide is much more efficient now, as automatic weapons, rocket-propelled grenades,and even weapons of mass destruction become more readily available in rogue nations. Research is being conducted in several underground bunkers in order to find out what sperm don't like and more importantly what makes them auto-destruct.