Spider
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“How many movies do you see being made about humans killing spiders? None. How many do you see about spiders killing humans? I'll let you answer that.”
~ Spiders on killing humans
“SHIT.”
~ Little Miss Muffet on Spiders
The spider is a kind, cute and cuddly bug (g. bebederbugii) that is vital to our ecosystem and wants to eat your brain. Spiders are closely related to the Kitten, known for their adorable looks but secret, evil intentions. Despite their uncanny love for the taste of brains, spiders love to snuggle. Like a kitten, however, one must be aware of the spider's subspecies before snuggling. Most spiders live in one of two places: The Tropics, or Your Backyard.
All spiders are named Curt and the way to rid your dwelling (an ecological disaster, but who cares) is to shout, "Don't be Curt with me!!!" Of course, those spiders who spell their name, Kurt, are immortal, irritable and not at all cute (or curt) and cuddly. Upon hearing the above phrase, they will stop what they are doing (usually nothing) and eat your brain immediately, thus preventing you from completing programming homework, but who cares.
Surprisingly, there are no female spiders (the black "widow" being a corruption of the Latin, niginx fenester). Spiders reproduce by forming bipolar trivalent bonds with water. Therefore never shower with a spider until properly introduced and never chat with one online.
This spider shown in the photo was photographed in London, England in a suburban bedroom. As one can obviously tell from this picture, the spider is a white. Upon closer examination, a viewer will come upon a curious spiky blob upon the surface. These substances are referred to as toys and are often called cocaine as slang. As spiders are renown for their lack of hygiene, another reliable way to determine if said animal is a spider is to point a razor at it; In the event that it is a spider (and not just a donkey, a common misunderstanding) it will bite everything near it (increasing the risk of leukemia in children and the elderly).
Spiders come in a variety of colours, liveness and toilettrainedness and are often killed to design keyboards and computers.
You can tell how old a person is by how many spiders they have swallowed whilst sleeping. Of course, a person cannot tell you this information; you have to cut them open and have a look.
- Scientists have discovered that "spiiiiiiiiders" have eight eyes but the Oxford English Dictionary still spell it with only one. How outdated.
The main aim of all spiders is to lay their eggs in your eyes.
Contents |
[edit] Reasons to Believe Spiders will Devour Us All
1. They are spiders.
2. They are scary.
3. They are spiders.
4. They eat brains.
5. They are hairy.
6. They pwn all other bugs, except of course the dreaded centipedes, enemy of the spider.
[edit] Transporter Technology
How many times have you looked at the wall, floor or ceiling and not seen a spider, then two seconds later you look and there's huge great spider? How did it get there without you seeing it walk there? The only explanation for it getting there is that it must have beamed in. Yes, spiders have invented transporter technology. They are greatly evolved creatures, almost alien like.
The only known defense against spider transporters is the bath. The bath confuses their sensors into thinking there is a solid floor 3.1 mm above the rim of the bath. The unsuspecting spider beams in and falls into the tub where its transporter sensors cannot see and is thus doomed to die a slow painful death. Or until it is washed down the drain by a terrified human.
[edit] Bite Symptoms
If you were bit by a deadly spider, remain calm. The most important thing to do if bitten is to catch the spider and reveal what kind it was. Symptoms include the following.
- Black Widow: Major swelling will occur, particularly in the head. Hold your breath.
- Brown Recluse: Causes a human being to spontaneously combust.
- Wandering Spider: Contrary to popular belief, Wandering Spiders are not venemous. They are more famous for their stunning sexual fetishes for humans. Avoid rape.
- Banana Spider: Loss of genitals will occur, especially if you own a Penis.
- God Spider: Instant death. Go to hell.
- Space Spider: Space Spiders do not attack the living. They eat zombies for the good of the universe. If you are bitten by a Black widow and are a zombie you have been warned.
[edit] Types of spiders
- Clovis bigfukis (see: Fig.1)
- camel bothering spider cooch
- Cob spider
- Your Mother
- Google Spiders
- Camel Spider
- Clock spider
- Armored Crab-Spiders
- Spider-man
- Spider Pig
- leggy spider
- panty eating spider
- Maserati Spider
- GOD SPIDER (Most dangerous in the galaxy)
- /X\(oo)/X\ (Tazmanian ascii spider)
- /X\(``)/X\ (Canadian ascii spider)
- /X\(-_-)/X\ (Asian ascii spider)
- 8=> (Penis spider)
[edit] Famous Spiders
- Shelob */X\(-_-)/X\
- Sancho */X\(oo)/X\
- Ungoliant
- Mick Jagger
- Spider Pig
- Kurt Cobain
- Bruce Lee
[edit] Infamous Spiders
- Gangreen- wanted dead or alive.
Not really wanted. But 99% of the population want it dead. £37.01 reward and a box of frosties! They're grrrrrrrrrreat!
- Orangutang - The orange spider reponsible for the start of World War Two. Note that this horrific being also caused the Waluigi merchandise crash.
- Pig - Not wanted really.
[edit] why is gangreen at large?
He is known for his creation of the Savirax virus that he has developed in 2003 creating versions Savirax virus 2.0, Savirax virus 3.0, Savirax virus X, Savirax virus megacool, Savirax virus red eyes, Savirax virus red eye 2.0, there is a magical ritual to decode the viruses. to do this you need to;
- take a hair from the spider mole on his face
- put it in a glass with a leg of a black widow spider
- add a sprinkle of salt and pepper
- add 50ml of water
- sing and dance to the rap song "Crank that soulja boy"
- and you will receive a letter to receive his last known whereabouts
- the rest is up to you to find him
[edit] to help you hunt him down we will give you;
- a list of fake identities that he uses
- 10,000,000 pizzas
- sex with the hottest woman in the world
[edit] The religion of spiders
Interestingly enough, all spiders profess to following Hinduism. This is believed by some to be because all entities with more than four limbs are creations of Hinduism.
[edit] Spiders. Secret drug dealers?
Ground breaking and tearjerking, this documentary will reveal to you what what you should have been taught in school. Current research on the spider has shown never before seen behaviors of the spider. Watch and be enlightened.
|
|
