Spider-Man
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“Hang on a minute. That's bollocks isn't it? Does he eat flies: No. Does he get eaten by his female mate after having sex : No. I don't think they've thought it through, have they...”
“Your friendly ‘neigh’-bourhood Spiderman” ~ Spiderman to a horse
Spider-Man is a man, but also a bit spider. He has several human features, like his entire body, and some spider-esque abilities such as spinning webs composed of some sort of white, sticky substance. His legs are hairy and he has what appears to be an egg-sac hanging between them.
Before being bitten by a radioactive bug of some sort, Peter Griffin was just an ordinary nerd. Girls despised him and his best friend was a life-sized replica of Tony Danza he built out of Twizzlers. However, due to an unfortunate and entirely understandable circumstance, he was bitten by one of the radioactive spiders kept in every high school in America. Thus turning him into SPIDER-MAN! Peter became much stronger, cobwebbier and even nerdier. He could however, beat up his three-year old niece in revenge for all those wedgies, bags of ice down the pants and forced oral sex.
Despite being a brilliant young scientist, Peter Griffin was virtually unemployable and set out on a scam to get rich. He decided to use his spidery powers for personal gain. Originally his plan was to just break into banks and steal the pens(maybe grabbing some ass on the way out), but once at the Citizens Home Loan Bank, he found they were attached to the counters with a string of beads. Dressed in a red, white and blue home-made suit with a picture of(get this) a spider on the back as a disguise, he decided to ask for cash instead. All went according to plan, until the teller realized Spider-Man didn't have a gun. At the point she told him to "Get his bitch ass outta here!" In a panic he shot on of his "webs" at her and it landed right on her face. When the Police turned up, Spider-Man was almost arrested for sexual assault. He punched two of the cops in their taints and crawled up a wall of the bank, finally slipping out through a window. When he got got back to his aunt's apartment, he took several pictures of his mutilated spider-cock. Realizing that the photo was worth big bucks, he sold it to the incredibly realistic Editor of the Daily Generic Newspaper name, Jonah J. James J. John-Thomas Jameson, for a few hundred dollars. It has been described as a chud.
Like a flash of lightning, inspiration hit Spidey, and he devised a career of luring costumed villains into crimes where he, Spider-Man, could betray and capture them, pocketing both the reward and any money he could make on the publicity stills. Thus he acquired a hyphen and the legend of Spider-Man was born.
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[edit] Super Powers:
According to legend Spider-man can do anything a spider can. This includes climbing walls, spinning webs and getting squashed by giant shoes. He has the proportional strength of a spider. Apparently this makes him very strong, but that's hard to swallow because most spiders are a bit flimsy. Spider-man is not very good at getting out of the bath.
[edit] Super-Enemies
Spider-man made many enemies among the super/technologically augmented villains of the world. Mainly due to the fact that they weren't villains until Spidey conned them into robbing a bank with him so he could bust them for the reward.
Doctor Octopus - Not strictly super, but definitely quite villainous. Doc Oc, as his squidly friends call him, had really bad eyesight requiring hideous spectacles, a really stupid bowl-cut making him look like a moron, and 8 crotch-grabbing arms. The arms were mechanical in nature, designed and built by Doctor Octopus himself, a brilliant scientist, and powered by 2 AAA batteries enabling the good doctor to grab Spider-man with two of them while the other six swung into his face.
The Green Gobbler - GG was actually a chap named Norm(he once starred in a sitcom as an obese problem alcoholic). Osbourne was Halloween fixated, probably as a result of some childhood fright, and drank enough vodka n' Irn Bru to give him super strength and regenerative abilities. Being another brilliant scientist Norman built himself the "Gobbling Glider", which didn't gobble and didn't glide. The Gobbling Glider was a wayward machine shaped like a bat, but jet powered and it raised The Green Goblin to unheard of jet propelled fun, including killing Spidey's current main squeeze, Gwen Stacey. In revenge Spidey engineered an 'accident' for Gobble that let to him being impaled upon his own gobbler.
Sandman - Sandman's power derived from being made of sand. Sadly, when it rained he became made of mud, and when it didn't, a stiff broom was usually all it took to see him off.
Venom - Venom was another augmented human. Eddie Brock, a journalist, was jealous of all the poon-tang Spider-man got and formed a symbiotic relationship with an alien in order to try to 'squish the bug'. The problem with symbiotic relationships is that they are not always equally beneficial to both parties, so when the symbiont goes out partying until dawn it is Eddie Brock who awakens with a hangover and genital herpes. For some reason Brock blames Spider-man for that and has beaten crap out of him more times than he has had hot lumps in his spandex. Venom looked basically like an "evil" Spider-man and often times threw-up during battle. After marrying Brittney Spears, he gave forth Carnage, another really bad-tempered symbiont-host creature.
Aunt May - Aunt May was Peter's aunt who, with her husband Ben, raised him from a child. Peter was responsible for Ben's death at the hands of either the Sandman or someone else, who can tell? In her fury Aunt May flagellated Peter and thus Spider-man's tender ass. Peter fled, but returned to sodomize Aunt May with a soda bottle. She has "control" problems.
The Vulture - scrawny, wattle-necked, dick-nosed, scrotum-faced Adrian Toomes has a flight pack in the shape of a pair of wings. However, instead of dubbing himself "The Angel" as a normal person would, Toomes settled upon the inviting appellation of "The Vulture". The vulture's powers include flight, super strength and resilience, inelastic skin and male-pattern baldness. (He does fit the name "Vulture" quite well, doesn't he?) He eats carrion and can smell a good carrion bar from many feet away. Toomes was a founder member of the Salacious Six and regularly exposes himself while flying over Manhattan. Apparently Toomes is also a zombie, like Jesus and Lazarus and the black Ghostbuster.
[edit] Spiderman's Women
Spider-Man couldn't bag a chicken in his early year but following the spider bite incident he bulked up (but only with his spider suit on) and became a little less weedy. Add to that the money he was bringing in and he became a more attractive proposition to girls and eventually began dating a few of them, and marrying one: Mary Jane Watson(who refers to him as "Tiger" because she's not very zoologically aware). Mary Jane was a major cum-swallowing slut and hotter than the bonnet of a black Mercedes in Dubai. Eventually Peter sodomized her with a soda bottle, fathered a baby with her. It has yet to be revealed if the child will inherit his super powers, or will simply have eight fucking legs.
Before Mary Jane Peter had dated the ill-fated Gwen Stacey, daughter of the pig from the movie Babe. Gwen was blonde, but still trimmed her pubic hair into the shape of a spider web. Peter met Gwen at the newspaper he worked at(remember that place?) and was soon happily poking away at her until the Green Gobller tossed her off a bridge, leaving Spiderman free to date MJ or the Black Pussy.
The Black Pussy was the super-ish anti-hero persona of Fellatio Hardy. She and Spider-man had a fling on a swing and considered setting up house together, but the obstacles were insuperable. Cats eat spiders, which can be nice or fatal. The real problem they faced was what would their children look like? Hairy with 8 legs and 9 lives?
Peter is the Nerdiest nerd in the geeky geek-nerd nerdy alliance in the geeky name of nerdiness. However, he still gets chicks. (There's hope, my fellow nerds! There's Hope!)
[edit] Spiderman's Angst
Despite being a brilliant young scientist Peter Griffin never graduated due to a cocaine addiction, and this may have contributed to the misery he was prey to, his long depressions and his emo phases.
Griffin was also a bit of a failure with women. His relationship with MJ was characterized by plenty of nooky but also several deaths, misunderstandings and arguments. His brutal attempts at anal intercourse caused MJ to quote the immortal line "Ow, Tiger! You just ruptured my rectum with your prickly spider dick! Fuck! Am I bleeding?".
Causing the death of Gwen Stacey by annoying the Green Gobbler was all Spidey's fault, and he knew it and agonized over it for minutes.
In addition to Spidey's own cock-ups, the press was antipathetic to the arachnoid avenger, with headlines like "Spidey could do better", and "It wasn't Spidey's fault that terrorists blew up the World Trade Center". Faced with a barrage of criticism from within and without Spider-man spiraled into a deep depression. He started to cut himself with broken glass while listening to Nine Inch Nails.
The public had always warmed to Spider-man's banter, and the new self-depricating wall-crawler was not to their taste. Whereas the old Spider-man had greeted the Vulture crouched over his carrion meal with a cheery quip "Hey, look, it's a lunching vulture (Luncheon voucher, geddit?)" the new version would just sigh and walk away, muttering "I got my head, but my head is unraveling, Can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling, I got my heart but my heart is no good, And you're the only one that's understood, I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, I shouldn't go, but you're wrenching, dragging, shaking me, Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky, The more I give to you, the more I die" (Copyright Nine-Inch Nails/Trent Reznor)
Spider-Man's beloved aunt May then got shot, and he said this is his fault because he thought telling all of his worst enemies and the world that he was really Peter Griffin would be a brilliant move. This lead to an error of an evil bully Spider-Man. Shortly after, Mephisto, who is just sort of Marvel Comic's version of Satan, told him to "give me all of your love!" since Mary Jane and him were so great together. Spider-Man said "let me concider this further, ol'chap." Eventually Spider-Man said "OK, take my memories of my love." Mary Jane says "OK" too "but I want to whisper something." Then Mephisto and Kevin said "OK I'll erase reality to what I want it where you never really married Mary Jane but you lived with her (same difference, sorta), and hahahahha! I'm the devil and this lil' ghost girl is your daughter!" Yeah.
Peter cried gothy tears again but when he woke up, he was in a world where he bummed off his aunt May again and life was great because he could make jokes, make stupid enemies that were awful, and someone could maybe or maybe not be Mary Jane as a superhero.
Moral: Marvel says it is OK to make deals with the devil, because that is cooler than killing off Mary Jane or separating them because of life endangerment.
[edit] Stage and Screen
Spider-man was first portrayed in the TV cartoon series Spider-man on TV in 1582. The lead was played by two different drawings. One of weedy scientific genius, Peter Griffin and the other of cool, scientifically illiterate Spider-man. Neither of the actors received much acclaim, being accused of being "two-dimensional", and their careers never took off. After the series ended Spider-man's drawing was rubbed out by the mob, but the Griffin drawing survived eventually ending up in it's own animated sitcom, American Dad.
Spider-man has been portrayed by Toby Keif in the recent film series Spider-man 1, 2, and 3. The film series has been criticized for containing too little sex among the violence. While some admire Keif's nerve in playing the world's favorite super hero as a geek, most people just dislike him. Similarly Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the super-hot, brash and confident Mary Jane as a timid, bland, retiring loser with pudgy thighs was not well received. How hard could it have been to find a beautiful redhead in Hollywood?
It is rumored that in the upcoming Spider-Man 4, Spider-man's old foe, The Vulture will be played by either Catherine Zeta Jones or her wizened spouse, Kirk Douglas. At the moment it is anyone's guess which half of the legendary Hollywood couple will snatch the role.
[edit] Comic
[edit] The Death of Spider-man
Spiderman has died several times but never very severely. Fortunately, he gets two extra-lives every now and then while fighting venom. The closest he ever came to permanent death was whilst attempting to impregnate Spider-Woman. But female spiders bite the heads off their mates after impregnation and Spide-man had already shot his web-fluid several times that day, and was unable to empty his egg-sac, thus saving his head.
[edit] See also
| |
| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Deadpool - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Blackheart - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki- The Hobgoblin- Fred Phelps- Blackout the Vampire - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spider-Man's Rogue's Gallery |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
