Spider-Man 3

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“So... emo... can't control the emo....”

~ Peter Parker

“Don't you see Eddie? It's controlling you! It's turning your teeth rotten. It may feel good now, but soon you'll look like... like... like JEFF BROOKS!”

~ Eddie Brock

“I want Peter Parker daddy. I want him NOW!!”

~ Veruca Salt on Peter Parker

“God, my life blows.”

~ Harry Osborn

“I am a Frenchman, you know.”

~ Bruce Campbell

Spider-Man 3 is the nineteenth movie in the Spider-Man series. It was preceeded by "Spider-Man 12" and will be followed up by "Spider-Man 0: Young Spidey Webs His Pants." While critics panned the movie for not being up to snuff, fans clamored to see the film as it grossed over 456,937,348,545,389,238,121 billion dollars in the first five seconds of its debut. In fact, a whole one percent of the film's profits are being used to remedy the national debt and keep social security going for another 3 millenia. In the movie, Peter Parker is abducted "taken over" by THE BLACK SUIT. The black suit slowly turns Peter Parker into an trecherously evil spider while simultaneously turning him into something even worse than a large, man-shaped spider... an emo kid. *shudder*

Contents 1 Casting 2 Plot 3 Fan Reaction 4 Trivia

[edit] Casting

The cast of Spider-Man 3 is arguably the exact same cast as the other Spider-Man movies. Even that crochety old bastard Stan Lee has appeared in every movie. If I have to list who's in the movie one more time, I'm just going to puke so forget it.

There is one notable exception to this rule. While Topher Grace played Peter Parker's photographic rival, Eddie Brock, he did NOT play Venom. This man did: You can tell this is true because his teeth appear exactly the same as the villain in the film.

[edit] Plot

In "Spider-Man 3", the story revolves around a man named Peter Parker. Peter, as usual, loses everything he holds dear to him until his insanely old aunt comes to his house and tells him a fairly pointless story. Within the following 13 minutes, Spider-Man takes out at least 345291 bad guys, is able to come to terms with his relationship with Mary Jane 239089 times, webs something 12 times, plants himself in front of an American flag in a patriotic pose 593759 times, interacts with famous people doing cameos 293 times, delivers ONE pizza 392 times, and sheds a tear but once. Also in this film, Harry Osborn's life goes to shit. While this may seem similar to previous films, it is in fact not. This time around, not only does Harry shed tears and realize his daddy never loved him enough, but he also gets mutilated by Spider-Man, slapped by MJ, then dies. Yeah, he dies.

[edit] Fan Reaction

While fans of Spider-Man flocked to this movie like Richard Simmons on a tub of lard, a few notable exceptions to the rule have caused a stir. Peter Parker himself has actively spoken out against his portrayal by Tobey Macguire, claiming, "I have a much bigger penis than that guy!" Meanwhile, Bob Saget denounced the film for not even trying and still being funnier than himself. Meanwhile, others have turned to the film as a pioneering period piece of the human condition. Captain Falcon himself has been a strong proponent of the introduction of "Spider-Man 101" into the high school curriculum, replacing "Webmasteering 101", recently renamed, "Jeff Brooks Has Butt Sex with Ashley Pico 101".

[edit] Trivia

• In Spider-Man 3, references to other Spider-Man movies are noticeable. For example, when Mary Jane says, "You're Spider-Man!" to Peter Parker, this is a nod to the previous Spider-Man films, where Peter Parker is secretly Spider-Man.
• Topher Grace received a jaw operation for this film so his teeth could look like Jeff Brooks.
• Spider-Man is NOT a true story. If you accidentally took a photo with a fat guy dressed up as Spider-Man in Times Square on your tourist trip to New York City, you know are the lucky owner of AIDS.
• "Emo Peter" is availible in "Regular Emo", "Dancing Emo", and "When I slit my wrists webs come out" varieties.
• When Peter Parker gets near Gwen Stacey he turns into Peter PorksHer. That is a bad joke.
• The Sandman was not important enough to mention in any other previous section. He is only good enough for "Trivia", where he is merely mentioned out of context of the shitty film he "appeared" in.