Splash Mountain

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Flash Mountain shown next to a scale, evidence of the great debate if it really is an actual mountain or just a hill with a huge stump on-top

“There's nothin' in here but weed”

~ Brer Bear on whats inside of Splash Mountain

“This Article is about Splash Mountain”

~ Captain Obvious on What the article will be about

Flash Mountain ; or Splash Mountain, but better known otherwise, is located the Critter Country region of Disneyland. It was discovered & founded in the late 1800's by the native tribe of the Albino Big Birds. It's One of the four famous disney mountains, and the only one to gain it's "mountain" status by adding the extra footage that it's dead redwood tree-stump gives it in height.

Originally known as chickapin hill, the large mound of earth with the dead tree on top adopted it's greater known titles throughout history in various means; and since acquiring these "mountain" labels, the words "Chickapin hill" are regarded in modern times as gibberish. Since being discovered, it's been a home for many in critter country, as well as a big tourist attraction. Inside the mountain's caves, condos, night clubs, pubs, adult media outlets, and amusement contraptions entertain a steady flow of visitors. The main draw is an experience like no other were tourist can mount logs down a 52 & 1/2ft waterfall that dead-ends in a briar bush. While hardly anyone survives this feat, it's a continued practice that maintains a good majority of income in Disneyland's economy.

Native Tribes[edit]

One of the Albino Big-Birds of Flash Mountain,attempting to get a tourist to flash.

The clan of critters inside the mountain make up the majority of current critter country's population. They live a carny lifestyle and entertain the tourists on a constant basis. Before the Disneyland era of Critter Country, the mountain played host to these clans ancestors. Since they weren't crowded with tourists, they spent there time fighting over the mountain's caves. The following are native tribes from the Pre-Disney Era:

  • Brer Rabbit Tribe
  • Brer Fox Tribe
  • Brer Bear Tribe
  • Brer Owl Tribe
  • Brer Gator Tribe
  • Brer Hen Tribe
  • Brer Dog Tribe
  • Brer Jackalope Tribe
  • Brer Bigfoot Tribe
  • Gay Rabbit Tribe
  • Gay Fox Tribe
  • Gay Bear Tribe
  • Gay Owl Tribe
  • Gay Gator Tribe
  • Gay Hen Tribe
  • Gay Dog Tribe
  • Gay Jackalope Tribe
  • Gay Bigfoot Tribe

But the most notable of all tribes was the Albino Big-Bird Tribe, whose influence played an important role in the history of Critter Country and Flash Mountain.

Albino Big-Bird Tribe's cultural influence on Flash Mountain[edit]

Two Albino Big Birds enjoy a slice of watermelon with some salt'n'peppa' before engaging in a tribal chant
A rare photograph showing a Teenage abduction being carried out by on of the tribesman.

The Albino Big-Bird Tribe received it's name because the species looks like Big-Bird, but Albion. They are largely responsible for the nick-name, and now official name, Flash Mountain. This is in part, due to there Tribal chant/Ballad, which has been used since the Tribe's initiation centuries ago. Back before perky teenage tourist girls flocked to the Tribe, the elders preformed there flash rituals with crudely carved wooden dolls. Now that female flashers are much more common in the vicinity, the use of these artifacts has ceased. (This has also lead to a much lower number of Disney Empire fatalities involving splinters in the testicular region)

Before the tribe's fall to the Disney Empire and the simultaneous tourist boom, they would spend their time finding lost pennies, wiggling there toes, fishing, and asking how anybody who they meet was doing. Once the Disney Empire acquired the Critter Country region, they began to initiate strict laws preventing the tribe from engaging in these pastimes. In retaliation to the 1968 No Fishing in Disneyland Act, the tribe deliberately emptied an enormous container filled with an unidentified chemical substance into Great River America. The substance was latter identified in the early 2000's as a form of hallucinogenic powder. Thus, the tribe was found responsible for the ongoing acid-trip pandemic in Critter Country. (Also crediting the tribe for the psychedelic atmosphere of modern day Critter Country.)

To this day, they use there tribal chant to indulge in "sexual pleasures" via the never-ending flow of tourists...

The Chant goes like this:

How do ya do? Mighty Pleasure meeting.

How do ya do? Say it when your greeting.

How do ya do? With everyone repeating, Pretty Gal, shows us your boobs.

Those women look good. Their assets look fine.

Hey pretty Gal, Can I look. Do you mind?

Can I touch? Can I Feel? Can I eat one of those?

Why should I ask, when I should already know?

Pretty Gal, shows us your boobs.

Pretty Gal, shows us your boobs.

Pretty Gal, shows us your boobs.

How do ya do? Mighty Pleasure meeting.

How do ya do? Say it when your greeting.

How do ya do? With everyone repeating, Pretty Gal, shows us your boobs.

When they sing this to female tourist, they somehow get an instant flash. Unfortunately it rarely pays-off because of birth-defects (A.K.A. a lack there of) largely attributed to in-breed conception of the modern tribe; A Result of the Disney Empire's 1979 Bestiality Act. The modern tribe consists of semi-cross-eyed, mentally-challenged, sex-crazed perverts. They still sing this chant on a daily basis for cultural reasons. Traditionally, the chant is performed while eating watermelons (which enhance luck in some spiritual manner), and engaging in the use of marijuana, tobacco and alcohol. The chant is normally accompanied by the traditional native instruments of Critter Country (Banjos, Fiddles, and Harmonicas) but in some cases, exceptions are made for special tribal events. On Holidays, it is not uncommon to hear the familiar tune accompanied by the London Chamber Orchestra.

The Disney Empire's recent tax-funded studies still have yet to find a logical answer as to how this chant results in instant cases of public exposure.

THE Brer Rabbit's Influence on Flash Mountain[edit]

THE Brer Rabbit A.K.A. THE Gay Rabbit, is a hometown hero in critter country, famous the forced removal of The Magic Kingdom in Florida, making Disneyland the dominant Disney controlled territory in the USA. But even though the credit in Disneyland for that achievement goes to Mickey Mouse, who claimed he rid the USA of Florida, THE Brer Rabbit has more homely achievements. He helped win the great Disneyland civil war for critter country by leading the assault on the It's A Small World doll armies. He also discovered the rainbow fountain of crack, deep within the mountain (A chemical geyser which was poisoned with a highly toxic hallucinogenic substance some time during the late 1960's). He also is the only creature ever to survive a slip over the water-fall on the mountain-side. While he cheated death that time, his curiosity got the best of him when he tried to see how many licks it took to get to the center of a tootsie pop for a little child who asked him. Turns out, it was a trap. The center was a bomb, and THE Brer Rabbit died in the first of the September 11th attacks on Disneyland soil.

THE Brer Rabbit's Grave at Critter Country's Fox-Dropin's Fields Cemetery.

The Flash Mountain Log-Mounting Experience[edit]

Some of the luckier tourist claim these vulture statues spoke to them. Under the influence, they clearly missed an important warning about something having to do with being seconds away from death.

Tourist who visit Flash Mountain for the log-mounting experience are first forced to wait in a line for a very very very, very very very, very very very VERY, long period of time. The time of year determines the wait. During the summer, were even some tourists with common sense are lured into the line for the mere hope of hydration. Summer waits can range from eighty hours to one-hundred-ninety hours. After this wait, tourists can final mount their log in groups of seven. (Commonly referred to as a Seven-ism when preformed in bed) The log is then pushed out into the stream of water by a local in a Red-Neck get-up, and sent down-stream.

The logs seem to follow the same path down-stream whenever they are dispatched, despite the unlikelyness of the scenario. The first thing in this unlikely path is a trip around the pond were the briar-patch is. After this quick view of the up-coming fate, the logs travel up-stream even further. The logs slip down over the famous "Mudskiper-Falls" of critter country, and head into Albino Big-Bird Territory. This is were things get tricky to predict, an the scenario can change a bit.

The logs enter "Flash Country", the area of Albino Big-Bird Territory that has been designated public domain for sexual gestures in Disneyland, a strict, no-sex appeal confederation. It is here were many teenage female tourists are abducted, an seduced by the Albino Big-Bird Clan. They sing there tribal tune here, 24/7 for tourists on a loop. The logs are sent down some little waterfalls, and they meet up with an unlikely, yet common sight. A Bear's ass coming out of a bee's-nest. The logs quickly duck for cover, and maneuver through a steep waterfall and pongee pit into the Rainbow Caverns Adult Entertainment Strip.

A sign advertising Prof.Barnabe Owl's Adult Media Studio, where flash mountain photographs can be purchased for viewing (booth'n'lube combos also available)

This is the high-point of the trip. The tourist are subjected to hallucinogens and fumes via airborne water-vapor. They become completely oblivious to there surroundings and pull under a pair of Vulture statues (some survivors claim the statues talk, and said "We'll show you a laugh'n Place"...Clearly effects of the fumes they huffed) towards a conveyor belt to the top floor of the mountain. They logs are then chucked off the top towards the briar-patch of doom. The ride ends here. Survivors are forced to climb out of the mess, and logs are collected for the next day's killing every night. Photos of Flash Mountain rider's final moments can be purchased by the deceased's family at Prof.Barnabe Owl's Pornographic Art Studio; an adult media outlet located nearby.

Flash Mountain Today[edit]

These tourist ain't coming out of critter country anytime soon.The results of a log-ride down Flash Mountain's Waterfall are sharp an bloody like thorns in human skin.It's still fun to watch though.

To this day, Flash Mountain attracts long-lines of tourist. They still mount logs headed for a needle sharp briar bush without second thoughts on their sanity or safety. Hence, many never are seen again. Condos are in higher demand then ever, and business is booming.

See Also[edit]