Sportspeak is a form of psychosis outlined in DSM-IV. It exists primarily in patients who have at one time enjoyed playing or watching Football at some point in their lives, and from that experience, cannot let go of their attachment. Typical symptoms include using references to professional athletes in the middle of normal sentences, replacing words with sports jargon, and changing one's tone to "irrationally excited" when trying to prove a point. The subject insists on the view that Football is actually important to modern society, more important than any other subject taken in high school and/or college.
Take the following passage:
Consider me all in. This commitment requires enough math skill to determine that the first official NFL exhibition game is only 10 days away. It should be noted that the NFL doesn't recognize the word exhibition, which comes from the Latin and — loosely translated — means "big, nasty tease." Instead, the NFL considers its games to be part of something known as the preseason, a training-wheels word that has been taken from the Pigskin Latin and translates as "you pay full price." Typical preseason protocol includes player introductions that require each big-name participant to sprint onto the field from one tunnel and continue chugging until a tunnel is reached on the opposite end of the stadium. Anyway, the buzzword for today's NFL continues to be parity. Please note that parity includes five of the letters needed to spell Patriots. Does this suggest another Patriots Super Bowl triumph? It does not. Well, if I'm not prepared to endorse New England, then which team looms as my pick to fondle the Lombardi Trophy in Detroit? Before answering that question, I need to make another commitment. This is a commitment to quit (for a while, at least) being such a nice guy. Sure, you've noticed the trend. I rarely write anything negative. That's just my nature. In fact, Dick Vermeil goes through at least four hankies while reading a typical column. But instead of riding this formula, I'm prepared to accentuate the negative. -Randy Hill, FoxSports.com
“What the hell ? Did any of that even make sense ?”