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Squash is a "internationally" recognised sport played by a few, not many, old men and young boys forced to play it by the same old men. It is basically a sport where violence rules the court. The more bloody the battle is, the better the crowd will cheer. In the end, even if a player has scored more points, the person who is the most liked by the crowd wins. Why? Because if the umpire does not follow the crowd...well, most likely he dies.



The main objective of squash is to drive the ball off the front wall and into your opponent. Different parts of the human give different points.


Here is the scoring system of the game. Like previously mentioned, different parts hit provide different points scored. This scoring system is endorsed by the IFSI, or International Federation of Squash Idiots.

Arm: 1 Point
Leg: 1 Point
Chest: 2 Points
Abdomen: 3 Points
Head : 4 Points
Groin/Jackpot: 5 Points

However, if the racket hits an opponent, the person holding the racket gets 1 point. Thus, a match often results in a free for all brawl. There is no booking for dangerous play because most of the time the referee is in the toilet, wanking to a porno magazine much like the one next to you now. You sick dirty minded you.

Please be mindful of killing in the court. Blood spoils the court floor. However, if you "accidentally" kill your opponent, you are given 5 points. If the opponent dies of internal bleeding after the match, you are automatically declared the winner. Because of this rule, there have been cases where the ball was rigged. Like using a shot put instead of a rubber squash ball.


As long as the ball hits the front wall and touches the ground only once, the ball is in play. If the ball touches the out line or goes above the out line, it's out. Duh. Out=Out. Not out=In.

Rules for doubles

One player, will have to take the place of the so-called "goalie". He has to protect his teammate from getting hit and thus, letting the opponent win the service. If he deflects the ball with his racket, his body or a random person from the "crowd", the service is over the opponent scores nothing.

To differentiate between the "goalie" and the player, the "goalie" has to wear a special see-through, tankini which might be made of kevlar to protect the "goalie". Notice the might.

History of squash[edit]

Squash was discovered in a very peculiar way.

Ivana Hugandkiss had lost one of his testicles in a horse-riding accident. He had fallen of his horse and that horse had trampled on his ball. He was given a prostethic ball to use. Yeah. That must have hurt.

So one day he and his buddy were sitting in his indoor badminton court which was 3/4 the size as it normally was because it was destroyed by a tornado. A freaky tornado that destroyed only the court and disappeared after that. Thus, Ivana made it into a Greenhouse by placing glass panels.

He was playing with his balls after a game of tennis and decided to find out how bouncy they were and hit them with his racket. His buddy joined in and thus, squash was born.

Egyptians have always proven themselves worthy of getting first place. Amr Shabana is always the one with the biggest bouncing balls in the ranking list..

The Problems With Squash[edit]

For years the sport has been commonly attributed a stifling incompatibility with going out on social evenings.

Casino, Karaoke, Strip Joints, all severely hampered by the presence of the sport.

This has most recently been displayed during the great nightspoiling events of the 31st January.

This was made exponentially worse with the presence of a paycheque and the absence of the squash playing David Heath.

Upsetting...to say the least

The Court[edit]

The walls of the court mainly consist of Chicken Mcnuggets and lemur shite, the floorboards are made up of broken bones and the red paint that the "tin" is made of is the spattereed blood from early players.