Squirrle Jesus

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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Squirrle Jesus. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

Squirrle Jesus, also known as: "The Holy Nutter", "OMFG SQUIRRLE", or "Squirrle Jesus? Don't make me laugh" amongst his many names.

Squirrle Jesii?! OMFJEZUS![edit]

Although not as well known OR as well established as the other Jesii, Squirrle Jesus deserves just as much respect as say... Black Jesus. Unfortunately for Black Squirrle Jesus, all the black Squirrles died circa. 1 bajillion years ago, somewhere around the Regular Jesus period.

There are, as touched on above, the 8,279,401 quatrillion beautiful names of Squirrle Jesus... however, these are mostly spoken in the language of Squirrles, and thus can only be understood by French people and Diplomats.

Whenever anyone Pimps Some Ho's In The Ghetto, Squirrle Jesus is probably behind it. It is said by some he has a passion for impossibly short mini-skirts. Others say he has a penchant for impossibly luminous green ra-ra shorts.. All say that he taught MC Hammer how to pimp. And let's face it, MC Hammer was most probably the finest pimp ever to Pimp Some Ho's In The Ghetto. Word.

The Life Of Squirrle Jesus[edit]

Squirrle Jesus was born in 0 B.S.C. (or possibly -1 B.S.C., where the S stands for Squirrle); into a life of poority. His father was a carpent-err, meaning that he was a really really bad regular carpenter... This is in fact the correct terminology for someone who is so crap at carpenting that thier job title must be spelled wrong. So anywizzle, Squirrle Jesus was raised into the family trade of being shit at carpent-err-ing. He did it well. In fact, he did it so well that a NEW term was made up for how well he did it, but it can only be said in a series of tongue-clicks and cheek-slaps, so cannot be shown here.

After the early years of whatever he may or may not have been doing at that time; he began to work as a plumber. He sucked at plumb-ing, so he quit and joined the Beatles. He later dropped out due to musical diffrences and gave way to Ringo Starr, who was altogether probably not as good as Squirrle Jesus.

After the Beatles, Squirrle Jesus took on a solo career, and ventured into genres such as Rock, Rap, Punk, Rap-Metal, Rap-Punk-Rock-Metal, and Hip Hop.

His career plummeted after one of his songs was covered by Will Smith.

Squirrle Jesus became a famous songwriter and edit-err after that, and was solely responsible for Oasis' come-back, but please don't send him your hate mail, as he will only read anything with ALL of his 8,279,401 quatrillion names upon it.

The Miracles[edit]

He fed the 8,279,401 thousand with naught but a single call to SQUIRRLE CATERING.


He invented the Flush Toilet.


For a lack of things to put in the Flush Toilet, he invented Goldfish.


He once made a penny appear out of little Jimmy's hair.


He made the Beatles good, then he quit, after which they were discovered by Simon Cowell.


He raised Actual Jesus from the dead, although he never told anyone, because otherwise Regular Jesus would look crap.


He found my car-keys behind my sofa.


He successfully locked David Blaine in a block of ice for three days before he decided it was punishment enough.


After repeated crimes, he locked David Blaine in a perspex box in London for a week or something like that.


He once ate a whole muffin in one bite... seriously.


He knows what the time is at ALL times... some believe this is because he has a watch, but they're quite clearly insane. Or French.


Ways To Kill Squirrle Jesus[edit]

Although he is the Squirrle Messiah, he retains the Squirrle allergy to dying. This can be by-passed as long as he ressurects himself and temporarily becomes Zombie Squirrle Jesus... but this has only ever happened once before, while no-one was looking.


See Also:[edit]

Squirrle, Jesus, Jesii, Zombie, French, Thermostat.