Stairway to Heaven
“What's the big deal, it's not that big.”
“Isn't that a band?”
(Many say that it served as the primary inspiration for the name of a cool-ass song by Rolf Harris. But some things to be said about the so-called song is that most beginning guitarists can't play it, so quit trying to look cool by picking up a random guitar in a guitar shop and fumbling through it, you idiot. (Although that that is true, if and only if there was one beginning tune that a guitarist should be able to play, it would have to be Stairway to Heaven.)) The architectural plans for Stairway to Heaven are contained on a sheat of 4,200 notes, but most individuals can only recreate the first 29 notes from memory.
Construction of the megalithic structure began in 2222 BCE during the Hammurabi administration. Work was temporarily halted due to a minor setback involving moonrocks and the utter confounding of all human and computer programming languages but was resumed some 4,200 years later. The Stairway eventually reached the staggering height of 14,121,980,743 light years and was ceremonially opened to the public by Pope John Paul II is the best bassist ever in 1999.
Later that year, the pope himself managed to climb, totally unassisted, all 835,495,724,642,338,584,985,831,701 (the steps are of course 1 foot long and 1 foot high as intended by Stan himself) steps for a private chat with Jesus at the top. However, he had to cut the historic meeting short because he was feeling a bit light-headed from the exertion.
Because of popular demand, the Vatican has recently authorised the construction of the subterranean equivalent to the Stairway. Excavation will begin in 2010, and the route will be known as the Highway to Hell. Saint Peter also submitted plans for a neighboring 'Stairlift to Heaven' intended for the physically disabled, but the project was summarily rejected following a Building Preservation Notice being served on the original stairway (ostensibly to maintain its serene symmetry and architectural integrity).
Also abortive was work on the 'Stairway from Heaven' which is widely believed on the basis of forecast traffic flows to be a complete waste of money. The forecast flows were zero. Consultants working on that project have however been attracted to work on provisional designs for a hyperspace bypass that would carry traffic directly from Heaven to Hell. There is a requirement for such a route to cater for persons inadvertently admitted to Heaven due to administrative oversight or incompetence when they ought to have been assigned to Hell. The first stage of this by-pass terminates at a service station known as limbo which is slowly becoming squalid and overcrowded, rather like most other service stations in fact. Rumours suggest that future sections of the by-pass might be constructed by Vegans and could even involve the demolition of the Earth.
- There have been rumours that, due to lack of funding for the stairway, it would be going on sale to the public, namely a mysterious woman reportedly holding the scientific belief that all things with lustre are, in fact, made of pure gold.
- At the base of the Stairway, there is a sign on the wall, but no one is sure what means, And you know sometimes words have two meanings.
- A total of 31 people have died on the Stairway of starvation due to all of the stores being closed.
- Due to a severe underspend by the Ministry of Celestial Travel, during the period 1982-1987 numerous signs were fitted to the parapets, many of which displayed double entendres. Many travelers could not be sure which of the two possible meanings was the more relevant, resulting in raised voices "of those who stand looking". A number of people attempted to follow "rings of smoke through the trees" which led to several substances being confiscated. It makes me wonder. Shortly afterwards the ambiguous signs were removed and a Building Preservation Notice was served to deter further ambiguity and structural damage.
- In 1985 a telescope was built on top looking to the west. However, many people said looking through it made their spirit cry for leaving. The telescope was thus taken down in 1991, due to disuse and neglect.
- Promises that a new day will dawn for those who stand long were ruled to be unsound in 1992 since these would, if delivered, clearly discriminate against the interests of those unable to stand long due to extreme youthfulness, extreme age, or other physical conditions (not necessarily long-term).
- A case brought by nature conservation groups regarding the related conditional promise of "forests echoing with laughter" and their probable adverse impact upon the breeding patterns of wild birds was dropped in 1993, following the above-mentioned High Court ruling on equal opportunities.
- In 1994, it was discovered that under certain circumstances the number of steps required to reach the top would be based solely on the total number of first degree murders that one had accidentally committed throughout his lifetime.
- In 1995, following the discovery of tin foil, it was conclusively proved that all that glitters is not gold. The lady in question was informed but refused to changed the lyrics, countering that everything still turns to gold.
- In 1996, as some people could not find their way on the stairway, it was decided to hire a guide for these people. But the most qualified person to take over this role was a piper, who claimed to lead people to reason by calling them to join him - moreover, in case they didn't know as, due to the high climb, some people had their heads humming and it wouldn't go.
- In June of 1999, the Stairway to Heaven was at risk of demolition by Hell's Angels, a gang of physically disabled people who had been unable to climb the staircase and were sent to Hell instead - reportedly to keep them away from the media. Complaints soon evaporated when the gang realized that there were free drinks, quality food, and many recreational activities available in Hell. The Devil removed all three services in the 2002 remodeling.
- It is rumored that somewhere on this mythical staircase is a tool shed, where Satan himself is often found, in his words, "...dealing with life's problems".
- Early in 2005 the Stairway was briefly closed, due to unconfirmed reports of a bustle in a nearby hedgerow. Department of Homeland Security officials destroyed the hedgerow using napalm, but forensic examinations later established that the disturbance was just a spring clean for the May Queen, so there was no cause to be alarmed at all.
- Later in 2005 reports that there are two paths that you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on, were quashed in a report by the traffic survey committee, who proved that if you took one of the paths that it would end up in you Going to California and that the only way to get back was to walk back along the path to the said stairway. On the plus side, there was plenty of room at the hotel.
- After some time, it was discovered that walking up the stairway backwards would take you straight to Hell against all expectations. Many prominent theologians also claim that if you walk down the stairway backwards, you will become a pawn of the devil. Therefore, you would most likely be screwed either way. However, the current owners dismiss this as a "mere coincidence".
- Two terrible events almost ripped down the Stairway to Heaven. One such event that occurred was planes fly overhead were shot down and went down like a lead zeppelin almost hitting the base of the stairway, by doing this it made the wall next the the stairway harder to read and creating more homonyms. The other event that occurred in June of 2005 was when the levee's began to break around the stairway. After which left many people devastated, in turn rumors have it that construction could start earlier than expected (2010).
Impact in the Guitar World
In 1979, an hour before a gig, the rock star (no relation to the politician I think) Smelting Jimmy's Fender 'it's just a guitar, ok?' saw Smelting masturbating in the tour bus and thought it looked jolly good fun. He tried it out later on in the show, however, he was still plugged in and his self indulgent, distorted grunts were played out to a crowd of roughly a screaming fan about 3/4 of the way through the accordion based "Stairway to Heaven". The event was embarrassing for all involved and is, accordingly, banned in many guitar shops across the world (Although you can find it being played by '8 year old guitar gods' on child pornography site 'Youtube').
In 1977, after the band's release of Led Zeppelin FORE, deadbeat loser Jackson Leist sued Led Zeppelin for plagiarising his song Spatula to Heaven. Due to a technicality (the judge died while banging his girl err I mean gavel) the case was never resolved, leaving Leist broke with no way to pay for his serious moonrock addiciton. And you know what? Nobody cares. The lyrics are as follows:
There's a lady who's sure
All that glitters is queer
And she's feasting a queer to heaven.
When she gets there she feasts
If the queers are all closed
With a queer she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's feasting a queer to heaven.
There's a queer on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes queers have two meanings.
In a queer by the brook
There's a queer who sings,
Sometimes all of our queers are misleading.
Ooh, it makes me feast,
Ooh, it makes me feast.
There's a feeling I get
When I look to the queer,
And my spirit is feasting for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of queer through the trees,
And the queers of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me feast,
Ooh, it really makes me feast.
And it's feasted that soon
If we all call the queer
Then the queer will lead us to reason.
And a new queer will dawn
For those who stand long
And the queers will echo with laughter (does anybody remember lather??)
If there's a bustle in your queer
Don't be feasted now,
It's just a sprinkling for <insert name here>.
Yes, there are two queers you can go by
But in the long run
There's still time to change the queer you're on.
And it makes me feast.
Your head is feasting and it won't go
In case you don't know,
The queer's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the queer blow,
And did you know
Your queer lies on the feasting queer.
And as we feast on down the queer
Our queer's furryer than our queer.
There walks a queer we all know
Who shines furry light and wants to show
How ev'rything still turns to queer.
And if you listen very hard
The queer will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a queer and not to feast.
And she's buying a spatula to heaven.