HowTo:Stalk your ex

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Love -- it's such a wonderful feeling. When you find that special someone, and you find out that they love you too, you feel like you're walking on cloud nine. However, every relationship goes through temporary rough spots, such as fights and breakups. Did your boyfriend ditch you for some floozy who's twice as thin and half as crazy as you? Did your girlfriend leave you for another woman, citing things like your "lack of feelings" and "violent tendencies"? Now is the time to show them that you really care. Now is the time to consider stalking your ex.

Contents 1 Step 1: Contact them 2 Step 2: Work around their attempts to stop your lines of communication 3 Step 3: Lurk in the bushes, waiting for your beloved to pass by 4 Step 4: A restraining order is just another way of saying: 'I love you' 5 Step 5: Creative measures 6 Conclusion 7 How to know if you are a stalker 8 What to do 9 If you get caught 10 If you are being stalked 11 Further Reading To Enhance Stalking Techniques

[edit] Step 1: Contact them

Most people have a mistaken impression that stalkers lurk in the bushes, waiting for their beloved to pass by. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, a good stalker always starts out by offering a line of communication. Or twenty.

• Send emails: Email is a nice, non-confrontational method to re-establish communication. Every word you send is another chance for your beloved to truly understand the depth of your feelings and how this time apart is killing you inside. Consequently, write often, and write much. Five one-page emails per day is a reasonable minimum, but you know you have time to write more than that. You don't want them to get the wrong impression that you don't really care, now do you?

• Make phone calls: Unlike emails, it's relatively easy to fill up an answering machine, so you must pace yourself. Estimate how often they check their messages, time your calls, and from this, you can deduce how many messages you can leave per day. Remember: wasted space on the machine is space that could have been used to give your beloved another chance to hear your voice and fall desparately back in love with you again.

[edit] Step 2: Work around their attempts to stop your lines of communication

Let's say that, for some inexplicable reason, they haven't come crawling back to you. Worse still, they've blocked your emails and screened your calls. What can you do?

• New email accounts are free. Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo mail, and countless other services will let you register new accounts until your fingers nearly fall off. Unless your ex is a geek with detailed knowledge of spam filtering, you can keep up the communications indefinitely. Anyone who gives up just because their emails were blocked never cared to begin with.

• Pressure his or her friends to make calls for you. You only need them on the line long enough for you to butt in and talk. Sure, it may become increasingly hard to get them to make the calls for you, but if that's not what threats and blackmail are for, I don't know what is.

Remember: "No" means your not trying hard enough.

[edit] Step 3: Lurk in the bushes, waiting for your beloved to pass by

File:Stalking2.jpg Yes, it's true: earlier, we said that stalkers don't really do this. But some times, the object of our affection has so much trouble getting it through their thick skull that you'd cut off your own ear just for another minute in their embrace, that you're forced to do what a normal stalker never would. But you're an individual, which is why they used to love you so much, now isn't it?

• Find an appropriate bush. The keys are large amounts of open space inside or behind it, leaves space enough to let you see through but not be easily seen, and to not be overly painful (you'd take pain for your love, though, wouldn't you?) This generally only applies to thorns; a holly bush can make a great stalking blind.

• Trees are just large bushes. Don't be afraid to hide in a tree.

• Manmade objects are just manmade bushes. A mailbox or lamppost will conceal you just as well as your average bush. Try it out!

• Cars are just mobile bushes. If you're worried about having your car recognized, paint it, trade it in, or rent a car for the occasion. No expense is too great, now is it?

Remember: If your beloved passes by, don't miss the opportunity to talk to them. You may need to jog or even sprint to keep up, so exercise regularly.

[edit] Step 4: A restraining order is just another way of saying: 'I love you'

Can a piece of paper keep you away from someone you really love, who would love you wholeheartedly in return if they only gave you a chance? Why would you risk eternal true love over some binding legal order? The law doesn't respect your feelings, so why should you respect it?

• Go anyways. Expect the police to be called. This means either leave right after you catch a precious glimpse and exchange a few tension-filled words with your beloved, or be prepared for confrontation. But why risk confrontation, when you can...

• Burn down the courthouse. Attack the records at the source.

[edit] Step 5: Creative measures

Your attempts to get your beloved's attention just haven't paid fruit yet? Haunted by thoughts of them with their new lover, whispering sweet nothings to each other while you freeze in the bushes outside their window? Let's face it, it's time to get creative.

• When you make phone calls, instead of talking, make sure to breath heavily, moaning works pretty good too.

• When you watch your beloved sleep from the bushes outside their bedroom window at night, take notes. It shows them that you care. Feel free to take some pictures too.

• When you are watching your beloved from your designated bush, be sure to send them a text message to let them know that you are watching them. Don't forget to compliment them on their attire, be specific.

• Send gifts every single day, such as dead animals. Everyone loves animals, but hates to take care of them. These can be presented directly, as gifts -- say, a dead cat on the doorstep (white to symbolize purity, perhaps). But you can do better. Arrange them to spell out messages of affection. Using their innards works great too.

• Lavish gifts. Sneak into their house and leave your love a diamond, a wide-screen TV, or lexus. Also presents a good opportunity to spy and gather intelligence on who your competition is.

• Yourself. Naked works best, but don't just stand there. When your lover arrives, you should be fixing them a meal, or hiding under their bedsheets.

• Searching the internet. Nothing says 'I love you' like finding your ex's hidden blog, assorted restaurant reviews, and honeymoon pictures of her with her new man.

• Break into their online blog. You can steal their passwords by watching them as they login to their online blog (you may need a pair of binoculars), or by digging through their trash can. You can pretend to be them, and write about their undying love for you, don't forget to leave pictures of yourself on their webpage.

• Find out where they will be at all times, this can be acquired through their myspace, mutual friends, or their calendar (which you can steal), flaunt your utter suprise whenever you see them, accuse them of stalking you.

• Make them a collage. Print pictures of yourself and your beloved off the internet, and paste them onto different backgrounds together. Make it look like you were together at the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza, Mount Everest, and where ever they were last night. This would also be a good opportunity to utilize the pictures you took of them while they were sleeping, paste a picture of yourself next to them, make it look like you were sleeping next to them.

Anything you can imagine! Surely you're not so uncreative as to give up, are you?

Remember: Your beloved will need frequent reminders that you know where they live, so let them know on a daily (or hourly) basis.

[edit] Conclusion

Quitters are losers, and you're no loser (are you?). Keep at it, and you'll be united with your beloved once again, whether in this world or the next. Only hard work and planning can hasten either outcome.

HowTo  This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

Stalking in general: What is stalking? Stalking is something that people like to do when they have no friends, only obsessions with random people they spot on the street. Stalkers tend not just wear the trench coats and freaky black hats. They can wear pants, shirts, frilly dresses (watch out for those guys), designer jackets, and the occasional plastic wrap and a cracker. [edit] Origin of the term stalker Contrary to popular belief, stalking is a relatively new concept. The word was invented by women, during the sexual revolution, as a way to turn the sexual advances they received by men into a crime. It worked so well that men are now very afraid of establishing any contact with women from fear that they will be arrested and charged for sexual harassment and be given a restraining order to stay at-least 100 feet away from any woman living or dead, and would have to register as a sex offender. Basically any sort of contact with a woman will get you the label of stalker. Remember that girl you said hello to today? It turns out you were stalking her. Now ask your self this, Are you a male? If you answered yes you're automatically a scum bag that needs to be put behind bars. Before there were stalkers there were Secret Admirers, Now Secret Admirers are the same thing as a stalker, except everyone likes them, but now they're extinct. So how did this happen you ask?

[edit] How to know if you are a stalker

When people walk by you and make a coughing sound that sounds more like *cough stalker ehem cough*, you know you’re a stalker. Take a hint! Check to see if you display any of these telltale signs:

You look at a person and don’t stop looking at them.

You change your schedule to be near them in order to watch them.

You care more about the person than yourself.

You get confused between what is their life and what is your own.

You lick people you know for no reason.

Your name is "Charlie Stalker".

You wear glasses as thick as binoculars and can trans-dimensionally travel.

You wake up naked with your penis in her letterbox.

You start to do funny things to the window between yourself and your beloved.

You wear a rat tail on your left ear as a stylish earing, and whine when your beloved doesn't notice. OHHHHHH sad face for you!

You sometimes, while watching Desperate Housewives, shove icecubes down your pants.

You get sneezed on.

[edit] What to do

There are three ways to react after you find out you’re a stalker: You can accept that, and keep right on stalkin'. You can take it really badly and swallow several small pieces of glass and buy yourself a coffin, I’ve heard that the dark red coffins are quite nice. I suggest a velvet interior. You can just stop, in which case. Good job. You are not a stalker. You can help me by finding stalkers and forcing them to shave off their eyebrows.

[edit] If you get caught

There are a lot of stalkers in this world and that means that you probably suck at it. Here is what you should do when you get caught:

1. The waddle. Turn sideways and act like a duck. Walk in small circles trying to see through your legs and crouching down. (Sound effects optional)

2. Seizure. Seizure.

3. Be busy looking. Find the nearest person and act as if you are in a very intense conversation with them. When they ask what you are doing, act like you have no idea what they are talking about.

4. Streak. Not because they are suspicious, because it's fun.

5. Jump into the nearest thorny bush.

6. Put on sunglasses. There’s nothing less obvious than sunglasses.

7. Act Emo (look down, look sad, look AWAY)

8. If you get arrested, try yoga.

9. Disappear into the Sixth Dimension

10. Pretend you own a castle in scotland and wear a headset and pretend you own a hosting company with a switchboard at your bedside

[edit] If you are being stalked

Sneeze on the person stalking you. No one likes being sneezed on (although the person in question may just attempt to extract your mucous and use it to clone you). Walk around a small group of trees 14 times, wait and see what they do. It won't help you, but its fun. If you are a male, constantly walk into the ladies room and come out with lipstick and a wig on, same with females, and the men’s room. (this will not work if your name is Gerard Way) Get on crowded busses, and wear big glasses. Then film yourself. Carry around a video camera and film everything you see. Shove the camera into your stalker's face and ask what their favorite color is. Confront them, they might be a nice person! (but probably won't be) Start stalking your stalker.

[edit] Further Reading To Enhance Stalking Techniques

The BIG Book of Stalking

Stalking for Dummies

Stalkers Bible

Stalking Made Easy

'She Doesn't Know I Care': Tips For Stalking

The Idiots Handbook To Stalking

'I Swear I Wasn't Looking At You': Ready Made Excuses For Sticky Stalking Situations

The Stalking Wiki