Stan McSpanderspak is a 20-something average man with a 9 to 5 job at 7-11. He also has the ability to instantly warp to any point in the entire universe. More on that later.
Also, he has fox ears and a fox tail for some reason.
Stan was born sometime in 1970, somewhere in Finland, or maybe Montana. His parents knew from the start that Stan was no ordinary child, as he had fox ears and a fox tail. The reasoning behind this may have been that Stan's mother was a notorious slut and had sex with just about anything around her that had a pulse. It is believed that Stan was concieved when a badger slipped his mother a roofie in her Pina Colada Margerita, and proceeded to have crazy badger sex with her unconscious body. Ms. Spanderspak actually woke up halfway through the ordeal, and in fact had a wonderous time. Shortly afterwards, the badger went off to look for some nuts and berries or whatever the fuck it is badgers normally do, and got hit by a bus. Not because the badger wandered into a road, but because the bus was being driven by a man named Steve. I forget how that explains this.
Stan grew up in North Dakota and had a normal childhood. His mother never saw any of this, because shortly after he was born, she left him in the back of a bus because she was currently drunk, high, and a moron. Ironically, it was the very same bus that had run over his father, still being driven by the same man named Steve. The bus dropped him off in Newfoundland, where he grew up. His childhood was far from normal. He attempted to go to school, but most of the kids there made fun of him for having fox ears and a fox tail, and he decided to just not bother. A few weeks later, all the children who made fun of him died an ironic death when they were mauled by a bunch of viscious foxes on a fieldtrip to the Newfoundland Vicious Fox Nature Reserve.
The Rest of his Life Story
Nothing else interesting happened to Stan until his 15th birthday, when he discovered his amazing ability. An ability so amazing, I'm building up unnessesary suspense before I tell you what it is, which is in effect completly uselsess because I already told you in the beginning of this article. Stan had the ability to instantly warp to any point in the entire universe. Unfortunately, he had absolutely no control over it whatsoever. He first discovered this ability when he was in one second walking through Times Square in New York, and in the next second on the planet Viola 4, a planet inhabited entirley by second rate violinists. Since then, Stan had been randomly warping all over the universe, and has become somewhat of an urban legend among the creatures and beings who have been witness to his sudden appearances and dissapearances. An interesting fact about Stan's jumps are that when he reappears somewhere, he is on a planet with a survivable atmosphere, on the ground, upright, not in the middle of anything, and holding a fresh issue of Hustler. This is interesting considering that most of the universe is relativley empty, and most places that aren't empty are really unpleasant places to be.
An Interview with Some Guy Named Steve
Steve is the only known human being to witness one of Stan's visits. There's probably other people, but they're all to lazy to come and do an interview with me. I know because I've asked them. Anyway, here is the story, in Steve's own words.
- Note: Some guy named Steve is not the same Steve as a man named Steve. They are entirley different Steves.
"Well, I was busy working in the convinience store where I worked. It had been a rather slow day, and I was about to close up shop. Then, all of a sudden, this guy with fox ears and a fox tail just up and appeared at the front counter. The look on his face was somewhere between confusion and apathy. After a moment, probably when he realized where he was, he went to the back, got a six pack, brought it to the counter, paid for it, said 'Thanks.' and dissapeared again, taking the six pack with him. At first, I though the whole experience was because of that jelly donut filled with LSD that I just ate, but now I'm pretty sure it really happened. ...Why? Well, I don't know why.
Who the hell are you? Get the hell out of my house you fu-"
At that point Steve chased me out of the house with a shotgun he apparently found while I was interviewing him. The strange thing is that it was my house that we were having the interview in. I still can't get in there, for fear of getting shot in the face with that damn shotgun.
Places Stan has been sighted
The following is a list of places Stan McSpanderspak has been sighted. I don't remember how I came across this information.
- Viola 4
- West Virginia
- West Virginia (of the planet Hraazua, in the Hfooglar system)
- The Planet of Fat People who Cry a lot
- Eroticon 6
- Bezumbos B
- Kentucky, 4th moon of the planet Arkansas
- The very top of the Eifel Tower
- Flarges 3
- B7ville, Bampersand
- The Internet
- Three Feet to the left of You
- In a capsule in the secret underground lab of the Umbrella Corporation
- A quaint little bungalow on a beach soewhere on the East Coast
- In my mind
- in the Rantings and Ravings of Madmen
- Whatever the third bullet in this list was
- Chuck Norris' backyard
- The planet of Unicorns, Rainbows, Fairies, and Other Girly Stuff
- In a box of croutons
- In the background of a commercial about Genital Herpes
- In an episode of Walker Texas Ranger (the one where Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks somebody)
- The planet of Cute Small Furry Animals who have an Unquenchable Thirst for Blood
- Your Anus
- My Anus
- Somewhere I forgot the name of
- Half Baked
- Your Mom
- In a tree in Canada
- The middle of an epic battle between Pirates and Ninjas
- New Jersey