Stanford University
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“Tastes like bacon..mmmm....”
~ Homer Simpson on Stanford
Stanford University, is a private university in California that has been empircally proven the greatest place in the universe. Yes, better than any place in Alpha Centauri or the Crab nebula, and sure as hell better than that shitty graduate school obsessed cesspool of inhertied wealth and devaluation of education for prestige--Harvard University. Some on the east coast know Stanford as "the Harvard of the West", illustrating their complete ignorance of the school. Located not in the most annoying city on earth but rather adjacent to sunny, chill, and year round warm Palo Alto, Stanford is hands down super fucking awesome. They say the girls aren't so great there, but c'mon bro, its Cali--they work on a different standard. And in a school of 5000 undergrads and 10000 grads, there is plenty of fine brilliant ass to sink thy chomps in. The Stanford mascot is the Stanford Tree, which makes out with every single student during Full Moon on the Quad. Good shit.
[edit] History
The university was founded by Chuck Noris a while back. The dude was so strapped with cash that he didn't know what to do. When his son Leland Stanford Junior died at age 16, he thought the only logical thing to do was found the world's greatest university. Why he founded a university instead of turning to alcohol and hard drugs remains a mystery. After spending $34 million ($413 trillion in 2013 dollars) to have God personally come down and pave the roads with sunshine and happiness, the school opened and, as an indicator of its greatness, its first ever student ended up becoming president and having an awesome tower named after him. If you don't know who that is, then get off this fucking site, you ignorant piece of shit. Read on.
[edit] Academics
Around 15000 of the smartest people you will ever meet populate the Stanford campus. The undergraduate school is top notch. For all of you Harvard lovers out there, let me first extend a hearty fuck you, and second rub in your face how shitty your education is since you receive hardly any teaching from professors themselves and instead get taught by TAs and grads. If I wanted to be taught by a kid fresh out of college I would have gone to an inner-city public school system. Oh, and Harvard, your sciences BLOW. Stanford engineering is top notch, second only to MIT and only barely, if even. A Harvard engineering degree may just be good enough to land you a job at your local fast food retailer. They may even let you fix the sink. Also, Yale blows. And Princeton, what the fuck is a breakfast club? Do you guys get into social groups that revolve around occasionally breakfasts? Well, I suppose that's not gay at all. Back to academics though. Stanford is awesome. If you have any questions, comments, or diagreements, please fellate me.
[edit] Athletics
Stanford shares a great superiority (Pwnage) over Yale University in that it has an inanimate object as a mascot, rather than an ugly bulldog. Like students at Berkeley, Stanford students worship their tree, their religion. They are widely recognized as the greatest athletics school in the country, with their dominance (Pwnage) extending from mainstream sports such as football to the less commonly recognized aspects of their farm work. Yet again, this supports the theory of oppositeness with Princeton, which is a school so abysmal at athletics that their teams have never scored a point in any sport (the exception being golf, in which players routinely exceed 140), let alone emerged from any bout victorious. This is so well known a fact at Stanford that Human Biology majors developed a mnemonic device to remember the phases of cell division: PMAT (Princeton Made a Touchdown!). The thought is so absurd that students are bound to remember it come midterms week.
To anyone who believe Berkeley to be better than Stanford, in any way, do us all a favor and drink some cyanide laced kool-aid. Really, everyone will appreciate it. So the football teams have a rivaly. Here's some news: football sucks. If Stanford wanted to have a top notch football team, they would drop their academic requirements for admission, declare themselves a state school, and move to Texas. But seeing that they are perfectly happy dominating in every other sport and putting forward only a mediocre team in the world's most useless sport, I doubt this is going to happen. Berkeley, a state school of 25,000 undergrads with much more lax standards of admission for its athletes cannot even manage to put forward a team that can consistently beat Stanford. I smell a pussy. The people at Stanford don't give two shits about the football team. Those people at the stadium are there to watch the band, not the game. Berkeley, whose website is actually a redirect of www.stanfordrejects.com, I know you need this rivalry to feel worthwhile, so alright, I'll let it continue. We don't need 25,000 sobbing pussies to complicate things, we've already got Bill O'Reilly to deal with.
[edit] The Section Formerly dedicated to Branner Hall
Branner is, sadly, no competition for the most amazing dorm on the Stanford Campus: Burbank. With over 80 freshmen in 2008, Burbank boasts the loudest and most spirited group of residents. Burbank is home to the greatest residents Stanford, Nay the WORLD, has ever known. Plain and simple, sorry Branner... you suck.
[edit] The Section Currently dedicated to Branner Hall
BRANNER is an all-freshman dorm located on eScondido road, across the street from wilbUr hall. It has long had a reputation as one of the most fun dorms on Campus. Koala bearS.
[edit] The Game
The Game is a Stanford tradition which involves brilliant Stanford students driving around for an entire night. Although many brave young souls have lost their lives to the hobos of San Francisco, those that manage to return are forever strengthened by the ordeal. The best part of the game is that there is always a promise of a prize, yet no one ever gets one. Many people believe it is entry to Medical School, or in fact even an actual date at Stanford. However, there are no confirmed reports of either of these ever occuring. Yet there may or may not be something waiting for you in front of memchu, where you should now go (Well, maybe). Ha. Ha.
[edit] Alumni
Two alumni, lovingly referred to as "Packard and the tall one" on the Farm, began a business making calculators out of car parts in the 1930s and went on to create the Monterey Bay Aquarium to hold their collection of electric eels and sardines.
For several years in the 1990s no students graduated from Stanford because they all dropped out early to join an Internet startup. Suckers? No, today they are all richer than you. If Stanford were a country, its GDP would be bigger than the United States and Liechtenstein combined, and it would have more Olympic gold medals than Andorra and Vanuatu combined.
Herbert Hoover is the only president to have graduated from Stanford. In gratitude for Hoover getting the United States into the Great Depression (which showed the labor unions what poverty really looks like, the ingrates) and out of World War II, a group of Hoover's friends and associates built Hoover Tower, a 285-foot monument to his manhood, on campus. Like the original, the tip of Hoover Tower includes a Belgian carillon.
Stanford University is mostly made out of pigs and rice. that is why the university has a lot of rice and pork to eat in the cafeteria. the pork is sold at 80 US and the rice is imported from Russia, priced 150 US per pack. it is extremely popular
Tiger Woods is another alumnus of this university.
[edit] The Gunfight
In 2005, a giant furry man named Ewok entered The Stanford Campus with a laser gun. The Stanford Gestapo immediatly sprang into action, and with orders from Elvis Presley, began firing upon Ewok. Several students and puppies panicked and ran away from the campus, trampling a Teletubby. As the battle raged on, Ewok was wounded and arrested. As punishment, Ewok was force-fed pigs and rice.
[edit] WTF
There has been a recent outbreak of streaking expulsions at Stanford. All students that were even INVOLVED in the streakings were immediatly expelled. the current student population of stanford has dropped to 12.
