StarCraft

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“EN TARO XENU!!”

~ Famous Zealot Quote

“I R NAPOLEON!”

~ Famous Napoleon Quote on Starcraft

“JI RAL HA GO IT NE”

~ Famous Korean Quote

“Let's make KOREANCRAFT!”

~ SD World War II(Korean cell phone starcraft)


Moist Starcraft (Sometimes refered as StarHammer 40k) is a ORTSFPNS (Online Real Time Strategy First Person boob Shooter) invented by Blizzard during the Great Repression in order to increase business to the Chinese ISP business, which they pwned. In addition, it is also the national sport of South Korea. Koreans love starcraft so much that they named thier sun God Starcraftus. It is possibly the best game of all time until Star Craft 2 blows your freakin' mind. The game is based on a non-standard deck of cards, with three Races: the Zerg (insectoid mutations that eat everything completely original race NOT similar to the Tyranid race), the Terrans (beer-driven humans that appear condoms have devolved, ALSO NOT developed on the Space Marines), and the Protoss (self-righteous and completely original pirate robots who always kill for AIURRRRRRRR Or Tau Empire). The developers, in a completely unforeseen and generally questioned departure from industry standards, gave each of the races different units. The Brood War expansion packs include new units for all three races; however, Brood War is considered a letdown and even regression compared to the original, and nobody plays it. The game also displays graphic amounts of blood, which pleases many fans In unforseen ways. While the game is technically playable on tables in real life with friends, this is seldom done. Most of the action occurs online, where Koreans and n00bs using map hacks square off against computers. Or the other way around. The winning player may receive a prize consisting of eating brunch with the Pope or the ever-unpopular Starcraft nuclear-warheads collected only by the most brainwashed Koreans. but why cant some guys make the first move on a girl?? cause they dont have their dicks where its sopposed to be..

South Koreans today see starcraft reflected in there own life, the good Protoss vs the evil Zerg with the Terrans who just sit around and fight amongst themselves while shooting up Stimpacks and drinking beer.

Strategies[edit]

A screenshot from the online version of the game

Spam Rush[edit]

A secret hidden technique that only the most 1337 of man kind can master. This strategy requires an IQ of at least OVER 9000! holy shit!, OVER 9000 years of training, drinking OVER 9000 cans of ginger beer, tripping OVER 9000 people with banana peels and typing over 9 words in OVER 9000 seconds. This strategy involves the user non-stop typing insults to his victim. Types of insults could range from 'flip your mother' to 'flip my mother' or 'your mum has 2 belly buttons',etc. The user must type non-stop for OVER 9000 days. This allows you to cover the other player's screen with a dense layer of text that prevents him from performing any actions. Whenever your opponent tries to say something back you simply flood his comment down the screen before either of you actually get to read it. Eventually the other person would type out due to either heart-attack, coma, seizure or just plain pissed off at your dumbness.Most Players tend to tell you that you are a "Flipping spamming noob piece of poo." before they type out, but that should go down to bottom of the screen in less than 2 seconds if you are flooding properly...

Massed Carriers[edit]

A technique used only by the most elite pro n00bs. It involves making as many Carriers as possible (although only a quarter of one is needed to win) and then sending them to attack an enemy base while the player does back flips over his computer chair or signs autographs, or both. Players using this strategy always win, always, because it is just that good .It is known as fact God used Carriers against the ancient Egyptians to spare the would-be Israelites. When two players use this against each other, they both win. If it is a competitive game, the "winner" is determined by the player that was able to sign the most autographs while the Carriers are out pwning or the player who beat their opponent to death with their mouse whilst their opponent was trying to win by signing the most autographs whilst trying to pwn with their carriers. If you want to win a game faster than ever, mass carriers and watch your friends go, "WHAT THE FUCK!! U R SUCHA FUCKING n00b."


until some awesome pro comes and blows your fleet up with a flock of scourge. Scouts and Wraiths are also quite pro (but not nearly as epic), or best pro attack, Devourer + Valkyrie attack, which is pretty much the anti-air trump card, will do.

The Carriers are full of electronic prostitutes that give the interceptors the spasm and the energy to fly at extremely high speeds. Sometimes, the interceptors secretly land and pee on what ever they boob shoot.

Importance of Medics[edit]

Medics, which are very essential to the terran infantry, were added at the last minute while the Koreans were developing Brood War and realized how unbalanced the gameplay between species was and decided to make it even more unbalanced. They heal other units in the middle of combat by jerking them off, even though they themselves are being stabbed by zealots, shot by goliaths, ripped to shreds by zerglings, drowning in the lava of the planet Char, or generally getting pwned and unable to heal themselves for some reason.

Zergling Rush[edit]

Zergling Rush involves using pinky demons, which evolved from the DOOM runner, and pushing them off of a steep cliff and onto your enemy's buildings and workers; hence, the word "rush". This is also used quite often by Koreans, who view the pinky demon rush as a ritual form of masturbation. Doing so will cause the opponent to watch the pinky demon's death rush and distract him, allowing the player to steal some l33t minerals. Typing the words to any Rush song into chat while executing this maneuver will cause all enemy zealots to dance. Side effects may include shouts of "pwn3d", drowning in pinky demon blood, involuntary screaming on the behalf of the opponent, or any combination of the three. Not to be confused with the drunken ritual performed at Fraternities around America every year.

Downsides of the Pinky Demon[edit]

The Pinky demon is a terrifying zerg breed. It is fast, deadly, and stupid. These mindless creatures are slightly more dangerous in large swarms.

Sadly they have many downfalls:

- They can be ripped apart by Zealots - Blown to bits by the BFG - Trampled by ultralisks - Killed with the chainsaw, saving your opponent valuable ammo. - And/or ground up and eaten by Koreans as a traditional remedy for AIDS.

Super APM[edit]

An alternate win scenario occurs if the user can exceed 9999 actions (mouse dicks or keyboard presses) per minute, or APM, to lag out the other opponent. This strategy is practiced mainly by Koreans. Of course, the user needs to hope that the opponent has an old computer and/or an infected internet. However, scientists recently discovered that a new technique can work on even high end computers. Apparently, selecting a Terran Command Center/Protoss Gateway/Zerg Hive, then right-clicking on the ground as fast as possible for 60 minutes will allow you to logout your computers, but only if you reach 1999 APM, which can be obtained by all Koreans.

Floaties[edit]

Sometimes, incredibly adept Terran players utilize this strange but dreaded strategy. This is invoked when they are taking a dump early in the game. While they do so, they usually receive a large amount of zerglings or zealot penises up the anal region. However, they do not fear this amateur move, as they will then gain the psychic power that enables them to lift any object from afar. When they do so, all their buildings and feces will then begin to float and remain out of reach of any hostile penises. This will then cause the other player to become incredibly aggravated and jump out the window of at least a eight story building out of deep frustration and self loathing. Oh yea, and you win yay!

Heavy Metal[edit]

This one requires lots of dudes that have long hair, some heavy metal band's cd, same band's t-shirt that those guys bought 4-5 years ago, jeans and black boots. Once you gather all those resources, all you have to do is say "Hey guys! Manowar's in town. Concert's tonight, in that guy's base and he thinks they suck! Let's go get him! There's also free beer!" Now watch those headbangers butcher every single enemy unit. \m/_

M&Ms[edit]

James Hetfield suiting up for a Metallica show in Detroit. Need a Light?

This is an effective strategy that involves purchasing a bag of M'Ms from your local convenience store. Upon opening the bag, a large number of colorful and chocolatey marines and medics will pour out. Then, you throw them at your opponents while they dodge them as if they were feces. The marines, the brainless clones of each other (they all have the same face), enjoy utilizing stim packs, better known as a multiplicitive concoction of heroin, steroids, and sex. This technique is a good defense against the Zealot Penis Technique, as the marines have access to speed hacks while under influence. However, as the mentally challenged marines suffer from withdrawal affects soon after, the medics then touch them all over in a sexually explicit manner, involving glowing objects. Sometimes, you may end up with some firebats in your M&M bag as well. They are extra fun since they explode violently upon death. In the event that you run out of your marines and/or firebats, the medics are then forced to cover for each other by engaging in hot lesbian action until one of them explodes while screaming in a notably strange manner. Therefore the Marines and firebats can use their stim pack which can make them sexually crazy, the stim pack can really make them shoot faster. In the control of Korean Zergs, It's is the best way to against that flipping. Also, If you put M&M inside a small device such like Droppoo, Flyingpoo, Pootle, or Overpoo, after several years there will come much more M&Ms. These M&Ms are the best way to fight against High Templar if the are out of energy , Reavers if they don't have minerals to make scarabs and Ultralisks if they were bloked.

Crashing Your Opponents[edit]

This strategy involves abusing hacks/glitches/HIREDGOONS/hitmen/unplugging computers to drop your opponent out of the game. All of these are approved ways of winning according to Korean standards and practices guidelines.

Zerg Perma-cloaking[edit]

This trick involves using a flipping arbiter to permanently cloak omegalisks. If you unburrow that poo right as the the faggy flyer gets there you get a cloaked unit forever, even if the mcpansy piece of crap moves away. As soon as you accomplish this, a nice little tune plays that tells you that you successfully perma-cloaked the unit, you can view the achievement through your X-box Live account. Of course there is no way to do this in a regular game, so there is no point to this trick unless you're one of those idiots who joins the "trick" custom maps in order to show off your lame 5k1llz.

Cannon Rush[edit]

Cannon rushing is by far the fairest and nicest way to win a game of StarCraft, especially on a FA57 M4P. You secretly build photon cannons, which are actually giant cinnamon rolls that shoot icing at your enemies. Then, you wait till they say "wyg u suk lol im 9 i hax" and hack you out of the game. An alternative is to wait until they tell you "What the!? fukin noob strat" and hack you. Either way, you get hacked, but hey, everyone KNOWS that you won. Sometimes, if you are fast enough, you can shoot down the enemy players themselves before they hack you, but don't count on it. Quick way to pwn some n00bs in Fastest Maps, but some cannons in the middle. Their units are already fucked up when you line them up to the slaughterhouse. Just don't wine cause some pastry beat you.

Bunker Rush[edit]

Bunker Rushing is the pretty much most awes0mest l33t method to shut down a n00bzor. All you gotta do is bone out of your base and build bunkers and barracks and block their exit. Koreans are especially good at this since they have the sun god Starcraftius' blessing running in their veins. To make this even more unfair, its not like they can fly out since you're obviously blocking everything. Then, you can bring the communist battle cruisers,and use the yamato cannon to bring them back to the feudal age.

Gaming terms[edit]

Derp Der Derp Der Derrrrrpty Doo! (not the zealot penis technique)

Pwnage[edit]

A special ability only accessible to those who have maphacks or are at least part AZN. This awards them every unit in game as soon as the game starts. Often, they will call other normal players "n00bs" and that they "sux0rs". The only way to counter-act this is to spam your mouse and key-board in hope that the pwnage user lags out. Although He/she/It/God/You probably won't.

NKoreans[edit]

Koreans are the masters of Starcraft, but none of which are so fucked up is the terran race and their nukes. Ghosts + Nukes = Nawrth Koaweria. As a species with the most unadvanced war technology equipment(due to lack of lives and or penises, terran is the worst in the game, and one Korean unit will cost 10,000 minerals, and 10,000 vespene gas. Plus, only when you control all 3 forces (Terran, Zerg, and Protoss) will you be able to build a Korean Laboratory, where the Koreans are genetically engineered. Their attacks are splash, affect both ground and air, have damage 0+0/ upgrade, and their life is none, as many tend to have none with 1/2 armor AND EVIL KOREAN SORCERY!!!!! These crap units are infinitely available to all Korean players, thereby making them literally the least likely to get laid starcraft whoop-assers. It is rumored that the Koreans are indeed, the Xel'Naga, combined energy beings of all the three races.Even so, many Koreans play until death.

Cheating[edit]

Essentially, cheat codes grant you more pornography throughout each round. Especially with the zealots, their penises turn invincible and there is absolutely no way ANY marines can escape those "manacles".

One cheat code, "Operation CWAL", allows players to reproduce at a rapid pace. Combined with drinking Powerthirst/Powerade/lots of beer, this produces 400 BABIES PER SECOND! Wow those medics ARE productive!

The most powerful cheat code "there is no cow level"(no joke) makes it so you win automatically, this is because the computer cannot cope with that level of stupidness and so gives you victory so you won't type anything that stupid again (but the computer always gets disappointed.)

Some greedy players also like using "show me the money", which makes you Bill Gates more or less.

United Nations Space Command[edit]

Negative two hundred years ago, the stupidest humans were expelled from Earth and forced to create a colony far away from civilization (similar to the national history of Australia). Terrans rely heavily on beer and stimpacks, which ultimately make them even stupider. Thank God for cold fusion.

Civilian[edit]

What does a civilian do in the middle of a war? Nothing!!!

Civilians are the best position in a human colony. If you are one, all you have to do is stand still. You are basically a vagabond, unless you are a student (most of the civilians are trainees). Civilians don´t have to fight, but can wear cool infantry armor made in the Engineering Bay to impress the medics and frigate pilots girls. Also, a civilian can join the army initially like a resource-getter, thrown inside a SCV. All civilians hate this job, and this decision is used as a punishment.

The ultimate power of the SCV merged train.

SCV[edit]

SCV stands for "Space Cottinpickin Vehicle". But it might as well stand for Slave Command Vehicle. SCVs are the only units to have black people in them - there are no white people inside SCVs. SCVs are also the lowest units in the Terran race, and work over 28 hours a day getting some useless blue poo, which is essentially twenty-sixth century cotton, and somehow magically gets turned into money. Blizzard was sued in 2012 for lack of white SCVs, but the trial was abruptly ended by an arbitrary Zergling rush (ain't that convenient?). Due to the huge amount of physical work done, they are the most powerful workers in the game, even capable of destroying a base when they merge into a man-train (the cool kind). Interestingly, SCVs are actually more powerful then marines, which begs the question, 'Why use those dumbass marines in the first place?!'. The answer is: micro. Clicking 10000 times per second makes SCV's do better in life in general.

Marine[edit]

Marines are a mixed bag of mentally unstable criminals, sex and drug addicts, and college dropouts, equipped with a big gun. Universal Terran law forbids Marines from growing hair, but for no apparent reason other than to laugh at them. Using massive amouns of Marines is important to any victory, but one should always be careful when dealing with Zerg, as Queens are known to cause Marines to asplode, and that pretty much screws you over.

Firebat[edit]

Most firebats are arsonists, pyromaniacs or a combination of the two. These units are especially effective against Zealots, as their arm-penises are allergic to fire. Killing a Firebat is rather difficult, as it requires the enemy unit to steal his cigarette and drop it down his gas tank on his back, causing a big man-asplosion. Fire bats likez BBQing Zerg.

Science Facility[edit]

The Science Facility is a great nerd-recruitment center, where they can do some crazy research, play RPGs online, rest in Star Trek-decorated rooms, and build bombs for the Soviet Union.

Science Vessel[edit]

The Science Vessel is the result of thousands of nerds saving their allowance to create "the coolest clubhouse ever". From this clubhouse, the nerds can use their math skills and strange chemistry projects for subtle attacks. Science Vessels also can use advanced technology termed Willsmith-Goldblum Disruptors to hack into Protoss units and shut down their shields (EMP), and use their biology experiments emit strange green gases (concentrated farts) which can cause hapless units to implode, screaming in exactly the same manner as when they get a wedgie or reach orgasm. These nerds are so obsessed with "The Matrix", so much that they will send hard mathematical equations to battlecruiser pilots, in frustration the pilot slams the controls and a shield pops up, making the battlecruiser more rape-tacular. All Science Vessels are paid for by Bill Gates.

Vulture[edit]

The Vulture is an ex-Hell's Angels member who got kicked out for killing, then raping too many people (in that order). Its cheap, fast, and will run over whatever the flip gets in its way. They don't take poo from anyone, even players. Also note that some vultures enjoy taking a large, smelly poo anywhere they feel like, with diabolical cause. This is because vultures can receive fecal steroid bio-mechanics upgrades which allow their poo droplets to obtain sentience (IQ up to 150), and retrofit their fecal warriors with explosive charges. Then, these poo-warriors hide in the ground, but make a jihad upon detecting enemy units, causing mass destruction, flying fecal debris, and ASSPLODAGE. Fortunately, vultures only have the digestive capability to excrete three fecal-jihadists at a time. Be wary when using these units.

Battlecruiser[edit]

The Battlecruiser is an extremely rape-tacular unit. It may result from angry cries coming from enemy Marines "Hey, what the flip was that?" before their head falls off. Wraith pilots are known to respond to the building of Battlecrusiers with penis envy. The pilot of the Battlecruiser normally responds by telling the Wraith pilot to give him head. However, this is not usual due to the fact that they are both in separate aircraft and the Battlecruiser pilot has plenty of medics who can service him. Also, the pilots of Battlecruisers have been reported for utilizing mustache steroids to add extra bushy goodness. The Yamato Cannon, their secret weapon, emits waves that transmit gay J-Rock music at high frequencies, causing all affected units to kill themselves simply to relieve such a pain.

Valkyrie[edit]

A horny German woman stuffed into a Wraith with a broken cloak system, with extra rocket pods as she is too afraid of dying. Makes the Goliath pilots, whose weapons are often plundered for the extra rocket pods, extremely angry, since they become useless consquently. Often pilots contemplate suicide as Valkyries cannot kill anything on land. Shares with the Wraith the ability to drop out of the sky and Asplode. This is the only way it can destroy land units. Since Valkyrie pilots are scaredy-cats, they often wait in the middle of a large battle without firing their weapons, hoping the enemy won't notice them. Speaking flipping English for flip's sake. You click on the Valkyrie and she saids Achtung. First you try to figure out what she really means but you know what she means when you see your base go boom.

Wraith[edit]

Extremely poo bottom unit that has an oxygen-starved Zinedine Zidane as a pilot (There is a secret button next to the cloaking icon that allows you to use the unit's headbutt ability, which kills any unit or building in one hit but you get a red card). The wraith is so lousy that the cowardly pilot, who is already too scared of running out of oxygen and dying, added a cloak system to make sure he was not killed before running out of oxygen and dying. Wraiths fall to the ground and explode after 10.3 minutes as the oxygen runs out and the pilot dies. This causes a nucular explosion that annihilates everything in the area, even Battlecruisers. That is about all they are good for.

Goliath[edit]

One of those pedophlile robots from Avatar with rocket pods that shoot firecrackers. They are totally useless unless it is the festive season, when they receive a damage bonus. Goliaths are an endangered species as Valkyries keep stealing their rocket pods, causing them to die horrible, painful deaths from mutalisks. They are so heavy that they can run over some smaller units and flatten them like pancakes. Often used to counter Zergling rushes or M&M'S. USDA rejected, and FDIC disapproved.

Siege Tanks[edit]

Siege Tanks are tanks that can siege. Mainly used for massing and killing anything on the ground from thousands of miles away, these tanks contain your typical fat and redneck guys from the future. The perfect counter to a zergling rush! You will find that building these will result in a Korean massing carriers to kill you, or forcing a few zealots to run by all your tanks resulting in numerous friendly-fire incidents. Whoops. Additionally, Siege Tanks especially excel at being defeated by air units.

Ghost[edit]

The Ghost is a nerd-spider hybrid that literally has "four eyes". They call themselves "exterminators" but they are more like ghost-busters, and are the weakest Terran unit in the game. Even still, victory can quickly be achieved by using a Ghost to nuke one's own base the moment any hostiles arrive.

The reason these skinny guys in latex suits are so strong is that they have BALLS OF STEEL, and of course, that they have unspeakable amounts of sex while you're not looking, with whatever you're not looking at.

Nuclear Missile[edit]

Officially, Terrans are not allowed to use nuclear missiles because of Human Rights Codes 4323.292B - 0883 Section D. However, a well known loophole is to use super-nerds called Ghosts.

The Ghost "hacks" a command center security system and launches the missile. Now this would normally warrant a slap on the wrist but because a successful nuke detonation requires the missle to land right on the Ghost's helmet, the Ghost gets away scott-free. The commander blames the ghost for the incident and "starts an investigation" which entails recruiting another ghost.

Electromagnetic Pulse - EMP[edit]

Terran finally realized nukes sucked against protoss buildings and mass carrier rush, so they enslaved all Dominion nerdies and put them to research for a counter, and they got it, the EMP OWNS any alien freak protoss, yeah! (party starts at science vessel) It also screws up the psionic abilities of any units, such as a Medic (wut).

Covenant[edit]

Magical robots that rely on psionic powers. If it weren't for their constant demand for magical pylons, there'd be no more Zerg or Terrans left. Attacking the Protoss homeworld of Aiur will result in inevitable death. You know you want to... oh wait, too bad - it already happened!

Pylons[edit]

Pylons are huge, glowing crystals with huge glowing rings of metal floating around them. And by crystals, we mean Crystal Meth. Pylons are eaten by the Protoss in huge amounts in order to fuel their trippy powers. Some Protoss units however, do not need Pylons, because they already have crack. The Archon, being a solid ball of crack, only laughs when you tell it to eat a Pylon. You constantly are required by law to "Construct Additional Pylons" which is as frustrating as hell. Dammit!

Zealot[edit]

Protoss Zealots are actually Terran Marines who have licked a crystal meth pylon. The radioactive pylons mutate their arms into 16 inch penises, that they shove up each others asses in a gay orgy to increase there speed. After squandering their financial resources on more pylons, they run around the outer regions of space yelling "My wife for hire!" and then promply killing innocent marines and zerglings.

Dragoons[edit]

Dragoons are basically dead Zealots that are thrown in a blender, and then stuffed into a robot along with several bottles of Pepsi Blue and Koolaid. These nightmarish warriors are difficult to counter, because upon death, they a splode, releasing their toxic Pepsi Blue that stains underwear. Their flavor blast attack has been known to stuff unwary marines so full they a splode. The best counter to this is the red wine that naturally flows from certain Zerg buildings.

High Templars[edit]

High Templar are basically Zealots, but on crack. When they share their drugs, even in small amounts, they can cause their enemies to hallucinate. The effects of these strange cocktails of substances have an effect similar to radiation on superheros: it allows them to make lightning strike their enemies, and occasionally themselves. They don't really care what the lightning strikes, because the sounds and bright light are sooo trippy.


Dark Templars[edit]

Former High Templars exlied from Aiur after the Jim Crow laws were rerepealed, these racially questionable mystics are deadly warriors. Their dark skin grants them permanent cloaking, which pisses off your enemies to the point of suicide. So the next time your marines are dropping like flies, be sure to run like hell before the superpowered blade of one templar kills you and you will go like WHAT THE FUFUFUFU!?!?! STOP H4X1NG!

Reavers[edit]

A Reaver is a robotic caterpillar that is encased in layers upon layers of lawyer skin. Reavers shoot Scarabs, similar to the toxic blueberry juice used by Dragoons, but rather than single blueberries, a whole bush is condensed into a small blue blob. When thrown, the Scarabs A splode on impact, staining surrounding units with ooey-gooey goodness. Koreans are most likely to use Reavers due to the devastation caused by ripping out blueberry bushes on the environment. As trade winds blow, they pick up dirt from the now barren land, and blows into North Korea, devastating local crops. However, due to strange anti-gravity, blueberry bushes cannot be thrown off of cliffs. When combined with shuttles, Reavers can perform miracles, such as raising the dead and turning water to wine. Reavers are also usable as GIANT dildos, for whatever the hell you are sick enough to "try" on yourself.

Archons[edit]

A happy couple in a blue fog

Archons are the gay marriage of two High Templars. They are essentially huge balls of solid crack. They instantly a splode when they come into contact with a Dark Archon, which is understandable, because Dark Archons are more alcoholics than druggies. Being solid balls of crack, they can use the ability multiply by Infinity, which counteracts the Dark Archon's ability to divide by zero. Also, they possess the jedi mind trick.

Dark Archons[edit]

At the center of this ball of light is a massive 1km-tall dark archon. Note the tiny whizzing balls of light that are retarded scientologists in ships worshipping it as their stupid god Xenu. Despite being blown up all the time they still come in droves. Poor archon.

When two Dark Templar meld, they become Dark Archons. Dark Archons are the best units in the game. Looking at a Dark Archon will cause players to go blind, due to the horror of the penis-penis interactions. Standing near one will cause players' hearts to be crushed by their overpowering aura. The best way to defend against Dark Archons is with soulless robots like Probes or drunk/overstimpacked marines.

Dark Archons have the three powerfully abilities: Divide By Zero, which makes a Prime Taradox that makes enemies freeze in time, Implode Mind which deals damage according to how much of a nerd the enemy is, and the signature famous Dark Archon Seduction, which seduces the target with the sheer power of the Archon's penises and causes a reverse psychology effect that causes the target to be under your control.

Probes[edit]

While Probes do not have the same adverse health effects of Dark Archons, most players find that large numbers of Probes (30000-40000) can serve as a reliable standard army. Other races can employ similar strategies with SCVs and Drones, but these units have complex emotions and optical nerves, so they are much more vulnerable to Dark Archons (not that anyone could seduce them ALL, right?).

A Probe typically creeps to an enemy's anal cavity and molests the poor victim from the inside by mining for gold.

Scout[edit]

A fast-moving ship that teleports explosive sparkles onto ground targets and launches deformed babies at flying enemies.

Carrier[edit]

Giant eggs that shoot out whole-wheat crackers. Most enemies rely heavily on junk-food and by force-feeding them something with nutritional value, it destroys their food pyramid and bowels. Building one of these will win you most games.

Observer[edit]

These one-seater cardboard boxes are custom built by voyeurs to watch the battlefield. Comes with 4 Kleenexes and a jar of baby oil.

Corsairs[edit]

Corsairs are arguably the lousiest Protoss units ever invented, and are piloted by retarded Protoss units that failed Grade 52. Like the Dark Templar, they have a tiny penis, but very large balls. VERY large balls. They can't attack ground units with their Neutron Boner guns. Even Zerg Overlords are known to defeat Corsairs with their "deadly staring contests". Their special attack, Ejaculation Web, fires a load of "psionic energy" at grounds units, making them haplessly frozen in semen. Upgraded Corsairs can Ejaculate twice in a row, utilizing the fullness of the amount of semen they can carry. Koreans claim that Corsair pilots are also known to use their uncontrollably flashing "strobe lights" to fire multiple lasers at several enemies, but this does absolutely nothing.Hey wayne.

Shuttle[edit]

Flying caskets. An instant win is generated when you put your entire army into shuttles and move them into an enemy base. Do not unload!

The Flood[edit]

The Zerg are arguably the only things stupider than your average marine. But who needs brains when you have thousands of Zerg consuming an entire enemy base in 30 seconds?

Rippers[edit]

Drones are considered the useless office worker of the game, mindlessly going about doing the pimp overlords biddings and sucking it. Drones are some mutated creatures, maybe infested probes or SCV's. If you order them to build, they will cum to the ground, and they will flip the ground and ejaculate, causing the ground to make a mutated freak baby that will consume the Drone. Drones are very cool, because they have more HP than a crocodile has!

Hive Tyrant[edit]

You need these, flying balloons with tentacles. Imagine crabs mixed with clouds. By law, you must make more overlords, but you cannot construct overlords, YOU MUST SPAWN THEM!!! This is done by inflating the hatcheries penises with the blue poo, (which was mentioned earlier as King Minerals). Overlords also posses the strongest attack in the game the "Overlord Stare of Death" this attack does 666 damage. There intelligence is coveted among the terrans and protoss, and because of that poachers love to hunt them down in packs to try to gain their knowledge. Overlords are so slow that even black holes cannot suck them in, this is what makes space-travel possible for the Zerg.

Carnifex[edit]

A zerg hydralisk on top of a zerg ultralisk. This way, it can shoot genital fluids (infecting terrans, and sometimes protoss, causing broodlings to appear from their legs while their bodies remain intact) and ram enemies at the same time. Once the ultralisk is destroyed, the hydralisk drops down and hides in the ultralisk's oragans. Only found in StarCraft II, Pokemon Emerald version, and a secret hero in DoTA.

Raveners[edit]

Lurkers are perverted enemy crabs that pop their ribbed boners so hard underground that it damages units. They specialize in burrowing not to destroy their enemies, but to look up hot Japanese schoolgirls' asses. You can't call them perverts, though, since George Washington spammed Lurkers in order to win the Revolutionary War.

Gargoyles[edit]

Mutt-a-lisks are the result of the assimilation of the Dog into the Swarm, and assimilation, meaning making a dog flip a bat. Equipped with a pair of wings and two butt ugly faces, Mutt-a-lisk howls are the nightmare sound of all terran pilots. The Mutt-a-lisk attacks with a special wad of Glave Feces which rebounds off several targets causing nausea and dealing up to 12,000 damage. They can mutate into Guard dogs and Devouring dogs. These units aren't very smart - they are known to overlap themselves 100 fold in order to get hit by one psionic storm.

Harpies[edit]

Harpies are flying crabs. They are the evolution of Mutt-a-lisks, being bigger, smellier, sniff more bottom, eat more of their own poo, and shoot hydromagnetic nuclear urine of darkness. This is the reason why terran buildings commit suicide. They shoot moldy balls of poo at their opponents on the ground. These crabs are really "special" and effective against ground enemies, since nobody wants to put up with that poo. The Crabs can get raped by, Valkries, Devourers, Corsairs and pretty much any air unit.

Dick eat my fuck[edit]

Another evolution of the Mutt-a-lisk if your Mutt-a-lisk is a homosexual. It devours penises, making it attack male units only. They are also known as huge flying poo containers made for the corrosion of big ships. They can be screwed up with a single marine but they are lovers, not fighters, and run when taking poo from other units. They also like vagina.

Rippers with wings[edit]

Scourge are actually mutated Tie Fighters from Star Wars that turn emo quickly and explode when in contact with enemy air units. Terran forces to this day continue to complain that Scourge are their own "creation," but apparently the Zerg don't care much for intergalactic copyright laws. But who really cares, since Scourge die in one shot.

Me1!!1![edit]

Cute, isn't it?

The Overmind is this gigantic mutated Pokemon that uses Overlords to tell all the other smaller brainless zerg to kill stuff, it is also the biggest pimp in the megaverse, having million of zerg bitches to please at his telepathic will. Without this creature, the zerg will continue killing stuff anyway, so the Overmind is pretty much useless. In the map editor, n00bs spam overminds all over the outskirts of their base. Because of their huge size, this effectively blocks the opponent from his base. However, unless the n00b has a nydus canal, HIS troops are also blocked by the overminds as well. This usually causes them to start using the tactic "Crashing Your Opponents" which is mentioned above. When he isn't busy killing silly Terrans and commanding the Zerg, he's busy being the "world's biggest nitwit".

Infested Terran (Player)[edit]

A request to the Overmind

Are the Arabs of the future. These MOFOs cant WAIT to meet Allah!!! The biological and chemical substances implanted on the belt of everyone of these. Not only that, these infested terrans have giant zergling penises stuck down their esophaguses... They normally go ALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!!! and then *BOOM*, taking themselves along with a few of your friends to go meet allah!!!! Also will be featured in the El Kai-ee-da class in Red Alert 4

Zerglings aka Shitlings[edit]

The most cheap-ass Zerg unit ever created. They're fun to kill and hardly do any damage with their claws, making them great back-scratchers. From the spawning pool, you can inject them with preposterone, which makes them run faster to their deaths. The best strategy for these critters is sending them into a heavily-bunkered-and-tanked Terran base in a single file line.

It is also a mathematically correct that

Ultralisks[edit]

These are basically elephants with bad tooth alignment. The most overweight of the Zerg units, Ultralisks are known to eat anything they find, such as marines, zealots, command centers, overlords, orcs, Forsaken, elves and members of the Republican Party. Apparently, Ultralisks have strong feelings against abortion after all! Kerrigan herself has a fancy of painting their toenails to make them more sexy so that the enemies can come out and think that they're gonna score, only to get a 40 foot blade shoved in their crotches. lol.

Hydralisks[edit]

Zerg slugs that have massive claws on their arms but instead, shoot green stuff. Don't ask what that green stuff is, or where it comes from... They were created by the Overmind after watching the movie, Alien, and must smile all the time with their 237 teeth because this pleases the Overmind. Hydralisks are considered the most important Zerg unit, but also the most fun to kill by Terrans and Protoss alike.

Lurkers[edit]

They burrow underground to masturbate during the day. Whenever a ground unit cums near, it will send a spiky piece of frozen crap straight up their ass and proceed raping the shit out of them. After doing this, they will proceed to rape the ground. They are the most lonely units of zerg, and couldn't find anyone else but the ground to rape. Favorite hobby: raping the Queen of Blades whenever she walks by. :D

Random Shit, I don't care[edit]

Blizzard incorporated the Starcraft Scenario editor with the exclusive version of the game only available in Colorado, New York, 666 Republican Drive, Atlantis, and West Berlin. The editor allows you to place unit cards and terrain cards on the map. Some notable achievements of the editor were the Madness maps. These games were so fast paced and required so little skill that they were nicknamed Madness. It soon became hard to find anything else other then Madness games because of how fun they were to play. Another epic creation was the BGH maps. These maps separated the n00bs from everyone else, and were known for their lack of resources and space.

Popularity[edit]

The popularity of Starcraft has grown over the many, many boring years. Blizzard has made every attempt to keep this knowledge hidden from the public, but the truth shall be revealed, much the same way the Umbrella Corporation made miniture poodles to sell to most European and American countries [citation needed]. The Koreans, otherwise known as the undisputed masters of PC, have turned Starcraft into a business job, much the same way that people dance for a living.

In South Korea, Starcraft has been established as the official sport of the country. Star players get sponserships and products much like the Tiger Woods version of Gatorade, you know, with Viagra in it. The country has even sent a proposition to the Olympics council to get Starcraft on the list of Olympic games, although it is unsure at what the decision will be.

The Brood War[edit]

Although there have been other theories, it is widely accepted that Starcraft's expansion, Starcraft: Brood War, is the cause of The Brood war, the largest war in human and alien history.

Sexual Reference[edit]

Horny n00bz who like getting raped in online play often stop playing online because they suck. This has more often than not ended up with the n00b beating their meat while looking at the so called 'Queen of Blades' aka 'Princess of Penis'. The PoP attacks by whipping her enemies with rigid boners (made from the overmind's sperm) that extrude from her back.

Battle.Net[edit]

Battle.net is the place where everyone lags and female dog about aforementioned lag. It is also the home of Satan. This is also the place where all the marines and medics hook up.

BNET consists mostly of:

Quotes[edit]

YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS BEFORE VIEWING THIS!!!!

Azns[edit]

Battle.net is full of Azns, particularly Koreans. The way to identify one is to look at the name of the Azn-in-question. If their name has "AzN" or at least 4 numbers in it, there is a 90 percent chance they are Azns. The surge of Azns on Battle.net makes it impossible to play a multi-player game without getting Zerg Rushed within 2 to 5 seconds. (This, of course, includes the time you spend waiting to get into the battle.) While there are realms on Battle.net for different locations, Azns have flooded all of them, probably just to screw with us.

N00bs[edit]

"N00b" is the StarCraft terminology for a godlike player. His skills are so feared that other players avoid playing with them so as not to waste the n00b's time. Many players, when finding out that their teammate is a n00b will usually shout with delight. The only way they can possibly express their euphoria is by shouting, "Oh my gosh! GUYZ ITZA FLIPIN NOOB". The opponents usually respond with, "HAHAHAHA SUX 2 B U!!!!11!", although as to why they are happy for their imminent demise there is much debate. In the rare chance that a n00b cannot win the game for their team, the team usually blames it on the n00b, who probably lost because he was sending everyone trojans to show his sheer n00biness.

What the hell is up with the above article? n00bs are gods that can't ever loose video games, gods of the medium. What is this dude smoking?

Other people on Battle.net include:

Girls[edit]

Lolwut.jpg

There are no girls on multi-player except for Korean girls, but those have been assumed to be men anyway. Everybody who plays StarCraft knows that there is only one rule for girls, and that's tits or GTFO or ToSsGirL is TERRAN.

Starleague.jpg

N3RDZ[edit]

People who have been banished from the Science Facilities for being too nub, smoking too much crack, or have too small of a penis (nub).

Games related to StarCraft[edit]

Fantasy Pro-League 

Sucked in your NBA/NFL drafts? Choosing professional payers is your best hope here. Available only at the site where your little ponies have become progamer horses.

Starcraft: Ghost[edit]

This game was not released, even though they made it 5 different times with 5 different companies. But nevertheless all those people who reserved it will continue to wait for it and thus by that time all those reserved copies actually get published you will have been married and thus you will then divorce and play starcraft korean-style...except you are a redneck playing shooter games since you ran out of shotgun ammo to kill those pesky coons...

Starcraft 2[edit]

Main article: Starcraft 2

The 2nd coming of Jesus. Just like the Christian believers, literally millions of kids will wet their pants when this comes out...

On a more serious note, this game is a fresh new insight on a totally new genre of strategy games to come. Funny thing, that's what Blizz said when they released Diablo 2 and Warcraft III. But I guess this time it's for real...

World of Starcraft / Station of StarCraft[edit]

The WoS Icon
Cquote1.png It's time to drop out of school, quit your job, divorce your spouse, disown your children, cancel your gym membership, upgrade your PC, and clear out your schedule for World of Starcraft. Hot on the heels of the unprecedented success of its first massively multiplayer online role-playing game, Blizzard Entertainment is taking its other best-known real-time strategy brand and doing it up proper. We've only caught a glimpse of a work-in-progress version of World of Starcraft so details are scarce at this time, but we're already prepared to lay all our credibility and all your trust in us on the line by predicting that this will surely end up being GameSpot's 2009 Game of the Year when it finally comes out, assuming it doesn't get delayed. After all, when you take World of Warcraft; replace the "Warcraft" with "Starcraft;" fix a whole bunch of World of Warcraft's problems; introduce a whole new set of mechanics and gameplay features; and throw in stim packs, psionic storms, and devourers, you obviously have a completely different and even better game.

- Someone at Blizzard
Cquote2.png

As if Blizzard hasn't stolen the souls of children and Koreans around the world enough already. World of Starcraft (WoS) is desgined to reconcile the differences between the Warcraft and Starcraft (aka Warcraft in Space) storylines. You can create a character from one of twenty races, most of which are entirely new. Instead of the typical Alliance/Horde relationship of the past, WoS requires you to fend entirely for your own race, since Blizzard LOVES to make diplomacy impossible. Kill everything you see to level up and gain special abilities, such as "Triple Stimpack Reflexes", "Psionic Penis" and "Zerg Rush!!!!!!!! Kekeke...". Instead of the maximum of level 80 as in the new WoW, you can theoretically reach the 250 mark in WoS. However, even the most hardcore of Koreans will not even come close, as your soul will be entirely consumed by level 50, followed by your physical body by 75 and everything that's left (is there anything?) by about 100. So no, don't try. In fact, don't even try WoS at all, because once you start, it's over. Hey, did I mention you can shoot things?

See also[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about StarCraft.