Anorexia
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- This article is about the (non-)eating-related habit. For Bulimia's easternmost province, see the Republic of Bulimia.
“Anorexia- It's not just for gymnasts anymore!”
~ Movie from health class on Anorexia
“What! People not eating to stay skinny!”
~ Ethiopian on Anorexia
“Sounds like something I could eat!”
~ Sarcastic Cat on Anorexia
The anorexia (aka Kartik Syndrome) consists of the delicate art of preparing, cooking and serving air. Those who practice anorexia are called "anorexicans". Anorexia is the most prestigious of the eating disorders (often described as the "cream of the crop", though with far less calories); less meritorious candidates who do not fulfil all the eligibility criteria for anorexia typically receive the intermediate honorific "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" (EDNOS), until such a time that they are able to lose more weight and qualify as a fully-fledged anorexic (see below).
Anorexia started out of necessity, during the great ant starvation of 1818. However, with the passing of time, anorexia became more and more fashionable. Anorexia is also considered the courteous alternative to bulimia, which is much more messy.
During a brief period (2000 BC to 2601 AD), anorexia was compulsory. In spite of ruthless suppression, secretive cults, working deep underground, kept alive the disgusting habit of ingesting food. Though they were forbidden to consume food, or food-like devices, they forced themselves to go through the ritual of eating ramen noodle, a gypsum-based mineral aggregate found only on Earth. Fortunately, this loophole was closed by the Inquisition, who made forks and knives illegal, thus preventing people from eating. Since then, no one has eaten.
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[edit] Qualifying as an Anorexic
Anorexics are generally expected to have at least 24 of their ribs protruding, preferably more. They should also be able to see through the criticisms and euphemisms used by friends and family; for example, realising that "You look healthy" actually means "You are fat".
More formally, the DSM-IV TR stipulates that, to receive all the benefits and privileges afforded to anorexics, candidates should:
- Have lost enough fat: at least 15% of their body weight
- Realise the dangers and harm involved with having any fat at all
- Understand how integral body weight and shape is to their worth, and the benefits of a low weight
- In postmenarchal females, to not have used tampons for three months ("amenorrhea"). This has been viewed by many clinicians as a ridiculous condition.
There are also sub-divisions into Restricting or Binge-Eating/Purging, but all anorexics are equally worthy by virtue of their lack of fat.
[edit] Causes
It is clear that there is no single cause for anorexia and that it stems from a mixture of biological, social and psychological factors, although the contribution of the media on women has been found to be the most significant cause. The exact mechanisms are unclear, though it is believed that anorexia was originally spread via a videotape containing footage of slim, successful celebrities, superimposed with weight loss tips. Few viewers ever watched until the very end of the tape, which contained a mandatory government health warning (in size negative 2 font) cautioning that following the instructions would inevitably lead to death in seven days from starvation or over-exercising.
Evidence for this socio-cultural explanation comes from longitudinal and cross-sectional studies:
- Anorexia occurs mainly in Western societies, where television services (which occasionally screen the tape when their movie quota is exhausted) are most prevalent.
- Anorexia rates have steadily increased along with TV sales; prior to the invention of color TV, there were very few cases of anorexia.
For ethics reasons, there are very few large-scale experiments examining whether anorexia can be caused reliably. One study in Afghanistan, run by Taliban psychologists demonstrated that their policy of banning television was very successful in suppressing anorexia. Though regrettably, Osama bin Laden had to leave Afghanistan and go to Japan when hearing of his wife having an affair, leaving his scholarly works behind, and hence was unable to submit his paper to the International Journal of Eating Disorders.
Ironically, the cause of anorexia would later be parodied by Koji Suzuki in "The Ring", which itself would screen on TV.
[edit] Cures
Anorexia is not a choice, it is a lifestyle. This isn't something you so much want to "cure", but rather something you should cherish and embrace (indeed, National Eating Disorders Awareness Month was established so that more people can learn about the benefits and advantages of being anorexic). You are one of the beautiful people, you are chosen! Stay strong with your choice of diet; you have to be all that you can in this. There is no going back, you have to have the testicular fortitude to just say NO to food. Do you hear that, fatty? No means no. If I catch you eating anything aside from fat free bits of pre-chewed gum, so help me God I will break out the wire hangers on you! You hear me? LOOK GOOD, DAMN YOU!
Often jealous family members or friends will attempt to sway anorexics from their enlightened path. In cases where an anorexic is seen as particularly successful at maintaining their slim figure, the aforementioned conspirators may even have them hospitalised and force-fed. Luckily, these schemes are inevitably doomed to fail. Health insurance companies - already averse to paying for any kind of treatment - are particularly reluctant to pay for therapy programs for anorexia, since most policies do not include free meals and accommodation. Furthermore, even if an anorexic is unfortunate enough to be subjected to these programs, most are sufficiently strong-willed to lose all the gained weight (and more) soon after discharge, having learnt new weight-loss methods from fellow detainees while in hospital.
Oh, be quiet. Eating disorders run in my track and field club, and they aren't very good at it. You don't eat, you do eat, it doesn't matter in the long run because Anorexia isn't very fast and they always make complaints about their shoe laces being untied.
[edit] The Bottom Line
The bottom line is that if you feel hungry then eat something. Nice and greasy is preferable, like a triple cheeseburger, a large fries and a coke you stupid fucked up cunt it feels good on an empty stomach and it takes a lot more than that two pack on the pounds so don't stop there bitch get into chicken, bacon and T-bones you'll be surprised how nice they taste and how well they hit the spot compared to a half a crouton and a droplet of water your used to. If you follow the teachings of this text you will live to see your next birthday, sleep a lot easier and in no pain compared to before and hey you may even gain enough weight on that skeletal body of yours to get laid you ignorant little shit.
That was a test. You didn't eat anything, right? If you eat, that cute boy that sits in front of you during math will call you obese when you aren't around. Trust me.
[edit] Twin Studies
Dozens of in depth studies of twins who had been separated at birth have revealed that, even when genetics are identical, anorexia makes people more attractive. One notorious study, linking anorexia to love, is entitled 'the skinny bitch switcharoo project.' In the study, researchers secretly replaced a married woman with her "unanorexic" (see fat) twin. Despite reporting increased cushin' for his pushin,' the husband described a steady decrease love. His anorexic wife, interestingly, had an affair with one of the social scientists involved in the study. Sex was observed and reported to be very good to excellent. The husband filed for divorce.
