Statistics
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“There are lies, damned lies and fake Oscar Wilde quotes”
~ Oscar Wilde on Statistics
“There are lies of dolphin meat in our tendery goodness. Please buy more so we can send our children to fish college.”
~ Fish Sticks on Statistics
“98% of statistics are made up on the spot”
~ Robert Johnson on Statistics
“Just under 51% of the people married in the Catholic Church are Men, so therefore, Men are more important”
~ Pope John Paul II on how to use Statistics
“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that”
~ Homer Simpson on Statistics
There is a 100% of chance that you are reading this! Statistics, also known as the art of dividing apples by oranges, are numbers used 85% of the time to describe everyday situations like how many times you get a hit in squash or how many people like cows vs. flesh eating grass. The frequent problem (up to 85% incidence) with statistics is that the people who collect statistics don't know what they are doing. The complex mathematical formula of dividing how many people like/do/are something (85%) by how many people there are in a population (85%) can be quite confusing.
It has been statistically proven that the use of statistics can improve the effiency of many everyday processes, though this could be considered to be a circular proof.
Statistically speaking, the average (85%) probability of all probabilities is "50-50", or "SO-SO" (85%), meaning that any given action either will or will not occur. Thus, the only conclusion one can obtain from a statistic is "so-so", regardless of the question. It is important to note that 40% (85%) of all statistics, including the statisticy statistics, are statistically made up on the spot.
The two major branches of statistics are prescriptive statistics and preferential statistics, both offering oonyvariate (85%) and mooltivariate (85%) varieties. Lesser known branches include existential statistics (85%) and transcendental statistics (85%), the first of which you know in your heart is true and the second of which just left the room for a second, had to get a glass of water, so we'll wait for it. Should be back any moment now --- at least, there's an 85% chance of it.
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In the meantime, you should have a look at some...
POLL #1 /5
| I like following whatever the majority says. (0 vote) |
[edit] Applications
Statistics involves a variety of tests to prove whether numbers are important or not. Most of these tests involve a test statistic that lets you calculate a X-value (85%). If your X-value is low (85%), then your data is worthless and you know you just wasted all your time and money (85%) in data collection.
The most commonly used test is the mexico test for nonsignificance because it almost always gives you a high X-value, so you know your didn't waste your time gathering data. The only drawback of this test is the fact that this test has a 1940% (85%) chance of error.
You can use statistics to prove anything. 14.5% (85%) of people know that.
[edit] Statistical Distributions
A statistical distribution expresses the probability p(x) that a random variable will take on a specific value x. There are several different statistical distributions that are commonly employed, including:
1. The Mickey Mouse distribution. Traditionally employed in first-year classes so that students who actually have no idea what they're doing can think they're doing useful statistics.
2. The Student's t distribution. Traditionaly employed in second-year classes so that slightly less clueless students can think they're doing slightly more useful statistics.
3. The McDonald's distribution. Useful for modelling sales of hamburgers as a function of anything you like.
4. The Poisson distribution. Invented by a guy whose last name means "fish" in French. In conjunction with the McDonald's distribution, can be useful for modelling sales of Fish McFillets as a function of anything you like.
5. The Maxwell-Boltzmann distribution. Sounds scientific, but no one has any clue what the heck it's actually for. So use it can be used for anything you like.
POLL #2 /5
| Who would win in a fight? (0 vote) |
[edit] AP Statistix
The AP Statistics Exam is another fucked-up attempt by the Soviets to infiltrate people's minds with useless knowledge. The AP Stats exam means nothing, and the only thing on it is this web page. What really goes on in an AP Statistics class is that people go and play on their Ti-83 gaming devices all day, and do not pay attention to the teacher at all. The eleven known people that have passed this rigorous exam are Noel Coward, Afifi A.W., Decker R.D., Lucero A.M., Lattimore S.G., Curzakis B.S., Cansico M.A., Quinones C.K., Rosen E.B., Iselin M.M., and M. Slash, who all got 5's in the first exam in 1960. They were the only ones to take the exam that year. Since then, everyone that has taken this exam has gotten a 1, and a automatic invitation to Harvard. 2008 is expected to be the 49th and final offering of the AP Statistics Exam due to a revolt by a small class of nine in a small suburban town north of New York City. The leader of this group is Adam William Malcolm Anthony Jr., who came back to life just recently after receiving a transfusion of blood from some whore named Claire.
[edit] Issues
- Type I Error: Getting statistically significant results.
- Type II Error: Getting statistically significant results, lying about the results, and getting caught.
- Type III Error: Getting statistically significant results and forgetting to write them down.
- Type IV Error: Getting a type I, II, or III error and not realizing it.
- Type V Error: You have no fucking idea what you're doing, do you?
POLL #3 /5
| My favorite type of crime is... (0 vote) |
[edit] History
Statistics are an ancient science invented in early neanderthal times. The great Neanderthal leader, Ali was on toilet bowl one day and a thought came to him, "there is only one way i can convince 85% of the entire world to believe in the greatness that is Allah, and that is to lie to them." After he finished wiping came the birth of statistics. His first statistical discovery was a study on the number of infidels that claim that Halal food is better tasting than Kosher food. He found that 66.66666667% (85%) of pagan infidels hated the Jews, and thus -70.4892% (85%) of all infidels in the USA region took up the Shahadah. They were all condemned to Jewish Hell and they were forced to eat raw pork for all (85%) of eternity. They drank pork blood to keep hydrated, but found that after a few days, they were just stoned out of their minds and 85% forgot that it ever happened at all.
The first statistic was produced in the year 5041BC. The second statistic was produced in the year 5002BC. The third statistic was produced in the year 4783BC. The fourth statistic was produced in the year 4782BC. The fifth statistic was produced in the year 4782BC also. The sixth statistic was produced in the year 4781BC. Four statistics were produced that year also. The idea was catching on. Yipee. In 4780BC more statistics were produced than previously was thought possible. The number of statistics became an additional statistic. In 4779BC people started becoming statistics. Previously, only cows and pigs had been statistics.
Myth about seven: A common myth about the number seven being more common, or 'lucky' by chance to roll one between two dice was initially started to appeal to the vast majority of the nation of the United States. The settlers, knowing seven days in a week, raped and pillaged the Native Americans for six days straight. On the final day they rested. Later on in history, Native Americans would revere the number seven as lucky, because their probability of not being raped and pillaged on that day was highly likely. In the Native American's respective casinos, they established this legend to help promote gambling. Since then, many have been misled to believe that the number seven holds greater probability, as well as a number of good chance or luck.
POLL #4 /5
| When was the first statistic produced? (I'll give you a buttered [[scone]] if you get it right) (0 vote) |
[edit] The Prophet is Statistics
If you want to learn about your future, you've gotta listen to the prophet.
The prophet knows when you were born and when you'll die.
The prophet will tell you if you should or shouldn't go, and whether or not you should stay.
The prophet will even tell you when you will run out of things to say.
He'll tell you if you're wrong, and he'll tell you when you're right.
He'll keep you up to date on what happens and he'll direct you to the light.
The prophet's heard of all your past successes and failures, and he knows how often you'll win, and when you're gonna lose.
The prophet is no fool, he'll tell you what to do.
Now you'd better listen to the prophet, because the prophet is statistics.
POLL #5 /5
| My favorite poll was... (0 vote) |
[edit] See also
POLL #6 /5
| Are you a prophet? (Note ''a'' prophet, not ''the'' prophet.) (0 vote) |
