Statutory rape
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“I never will forget my mistress of pumice.”
Statutory rape is the act of performing sexual activities with a statue, sculpture, or other work of art without its consent. Because the majority of statues are unable to speak or otherwise communicate, practically all sex acts performed with statues can be considered rape.
[edit] History
The first recorded instance of a statue being raped dates back to 375 BC in Athens, when a lonely sculptor was caught thrusting his tool into a life-size statue he was making of the young woman who lived next door. Unfortunately, her husband, a high-ranking public official, was heavily offended by the inappropriate display of affection and ordered that the lonely sculptor be sacked. In order to prevent this from happening again, the people of Athens forbade people from having sexual relations with inanimate objects. The resulting collapse in the emerging sex toy industry forced the law to be repealed and amended to only restrict sex with statues. Relieved were statue lovers and safe sex fans alike.
Following the Christian conquest of the Roman Empire, many followers of Christianity revolted against the pagan ways of Rome. One of the many practices which they forbade was the creation of statues that depicted nudity due to the high rates of sex with statues. Until the end of the Middle Ages nearly a millennium later, the rape of statues was virtually non-existent.
During the Renaissance, a rebirth of Classical art led to the creation of new paintings and sculptures. At the same time, many people began secretly having intercourse with various works of art, usually without consent. One famous statue which has been reportedly raped was Michelangelo's David. The statue's famous depiction of male genitalia led to many people, mostly women and gay men, having sexual fantasies about his rock-hard features. For some people, merely fantasizing about the statue was not enough, leading to the statue's repeated rape. As a result, the statue had to be guarded constantly to keep David from being raped.
In modern times, largely due to relaxed attitudes towards sex, combined with the advent of the internet, people having sex with inanimate objects is becoming more commonplace. Sex with statues is no exception, although most people who practice it do so in secret due to statue rights activists' outcries against non-consensual contact with sculptures.
[edit] Controversy
Many statue lovers claim the act should not be a crime because statues are unable to feel pain. However, many proponents of laws forbidding statutory rape feel other people, and that statue loving is immoral because statues are able to feel pain but suffer in silence.
Some extremely radical defenders of the criminalisation of performing sexual acts on statues claim that because statues often portray actual people who are living or have once lived that having sex with those statues amounted to having sex with the persons which they bear the likenesses of. Unfortunately, these claims backfired, leading to many people creating statues modelled after famous celebrities then performing sexual acts on the statues so that they could claim that they had sex with famous people.
[edit] See also
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