Stephen Harper
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SAY HELLO TO FOUR MORE YEARS OF HARPER! ZIG HEIL!!
And by the way, that iPhone he promised to give you when if you vote for him... Well, you get the idea. Oh, and that thing about Stephane Dion not being a leader, we lied! We knew you would believe our propaganda, plus Dion never suspected that his downfall would be caused by laxatives in his tea, daily!
“Yo, Harpie...”
“Sup, Bushie...”
~ Stephen Harper
“Je ne parle pas English... Err, I mean I don't speak Français... Aw, fuck.”
~ Stephen Harper on Quebec
“I stongly believe that our educational system is suffering great losses due to the abundance of fat people in America. Americans should really eat less and have more time running in those hamster cages so we can put our systems back in order.”
~ Stephen Harper on his views on education
“Excuse me, I have to powder my nose.”
~ Stephen Harper on his views on abortion
“How do you explain the loss of 3 000 000 000$ to private-public investitions, Harper?”
“How do you explain my finger stuck up in your ass?”
~ Jean Charest on the above question
“Excuse me, I have to powder my nose some more.”
~ Stephen Harper on everything else
“62% of Canadians voted for us!”
~ Jack Layton, Stephane Dion and Gilles Duceppe on Harper's leadership
Stephen Harper trying to pronounce "Bonjour la France" right to Sarkozy | |
| Rank: | 1st in Saudi Al-berta's heart |
| Predecessor: | Mr Dithers |
| Successor: | The rebirth of Stephen C U Next Tuesday Harper,
upon his Resurrection after his crucification. |
| Date of Birth: | December 26, 0 |
| Place of Birth: | Where everybody knows his name: China |
| Spouse: | Noted hotty Mary Magdalene
(Dirty Mistress: Jolly Green Giant) |
| Political Party: | Wholesome Rich White Racist Person's Party of Canada |
The often Honorable, yet respectable and relatively boring Stephen "Jesus" Harper, and Stephen Al-bertan Harper (though privately he prefers the name "Satan") is a canadian lumberjack canadien, leader of the Parti Libertaire and inventor of the douchebag.
Stephen Harper is running for Prime Minister of Canada in the 2008 Federal election. He wasn't able to get his platform together by voting time, so in desperation, posted numerous ads on Craigslist and Kijiji to help him come up with a plan. His daughter Rachel later put together this collage of photos, featuring Harper hugging Grandma and the kids. There are also a few sentences about policy under each photo, written by his son Benjamin.
Unlike Paul Martin, his lover, the idiot smokes cocaïne and is too stupid to spell triumph. Go Harper! We're ready to have our country ruined! Le reste seront perdu dans l'enfer du Nouveau Brunswick!
Even though he is Canadian, he's actually a chunk of Great Britain, belonging to Winston Churchill. Although recent evidence proves that he is infact from the year 2027 and was created by Skynet.
...
Okay, that's enough!! We dirty oil-rich Albertans don't speak Spanish, okay?! Dirty Middle-easterners always trying to push that bilingual agenda down our throats. Get lawst you Kuh-beckers. We barely have the mental capacity for two language, let alone three!
... Translation: "Pour les français ainsi que ma nouvelle "nation" des blancs qui appartient a la france, Okay, c'est assez!! Les Albertiens, qui nous donne tout leur argent d'huile (On le vole), ne comprennent pas du tout ce que je dis. Ah! Ils nous rendrons formidablement riche. Des croissants a chaque repas. Ils sont tellement cons, qu'on a tout simplement besoin de continuer a parler français pour tout nos nouvelle polices mauvaises et de plus ils seront écœuré par notre "panda"[SIC]! Nous volons tout leur argent en ajoutant une taxe comme le gouvernement NPD a faite plusieurs années passées, mais celui-ci sera une décision conservative au profit des blancs racistes qui ne deservent pas la vie. Finalement, puisqu'il pense que la traduction de l’anglais au français prend 2 fois plus de temps, on peut discuté comment éviter un les même problème que le « add scam » comme les Bloc Quebecois. Alors, on en parlera de ça par contre sur lunch de poutine et Pork and beans pendant la saison de syrop d'érable. (Si on y arrive à élaborer un plan d’environment avant qu’il soit trop tard) Ne vous inquiété pas le bilinguisme est un avantage pour les cretins! Puis-je aller boire de l'eau? J'ai soif à la gorge. Et bien, je blâme Sheila Cops." ...
Contents |
[edit] Wasteland
Stephen Harper was constructed in Toronto, Ontario (now Stephengrad) by middle-class technicians who were former Soviet agents of Yukos.
While in university, Harper started playing with economics, which gave him a very intelligent view on society and politics, yet he still decided to become a Tory. Also, he began eating babies in a daily Satanic ritual created by that guy. He continues this practice today, but has made the job easier by giving parents thousands of dollars so that they can feed their children. "I like 'em juicy", Harper was quoted as saying.
Stephen Harper moved to Fredmonton and soon became a cowboy... He then moved to Calgary and met his first wife, Darlene, in a dinky little town with the population of about 5 (4 if you don't count his ego).
In Calgary, Stephen and his wife started up their own fortune cookie factory. On January 33, Darlene fell into the cookie folder. Ironically enough, it wasn't the machine that killed her but it was when Stephen cracked her open to see if there was a fortune inside.
Stephen Harper also owns a dragon. Though "Puff the magic dragon" was a popular name for dragons during his era, he calls it Stephen Jr., and he keeps it in his toolshed at 24 Sussex Drive. (The same place Trudeau stored his Mary Jane seeds)
This super-human mentality led him to pursue the beneficence of Al-bertan conservatism and eventually politics. Severe head trauma is blamed.
He now lives in Samesex drive, with a husband and 4 children (3 if you don't count "Little Steve". Sorry...his husband insisted we put that in. He looked a little sexually unsatisfied).
[edit] Desperate Alliance
After driving his hippie parents out of welfare and later starving them to death, Harper impressed the Al-bertan population, which is known for its love and thirst for blood, especially that of poor people. After all, the Al-bertan economy is powered by two things: blood of malnourished people and crude oil. The proud and stubborn Albertans flourished, eventually funding an expedition to see if its American equivalent, Texas was interested in forming a rogue conservative oil powered state. Texas' reply was "We are desperatly short of pantaloons". This was taken as a refusal by the Oilbertans.
Stephen Harper then ran for election in the city council of Redneckmonton, the shittiest city of Alberta. An overwhelming majority of the people rioted, killing all other candidates and proclaiming Harper the Lord-Protector Robot of Deadmonton. Quickly, Harper ran for another election in Alberta's Legislative Assembly, successfully beating the indecisive Liberal centrists who have no platform to run on.
However, Harper quickly realized, "No one ever votes for a conservative in federal elections! Because the Canadian people outside of Alberta are generally intelligent and well-informed, no one ever votes for the conservatives anymore. That dirty ol' Brian Mulroney taught Canada a fine lesson indeed.
This would be the end of Harper's political ambitions, except that Harper was much more resourceful than that!
Harper pushed it to the Limit, and safety was definitely not guaranteed. Would you trust a man who can play a trumpet in his ass?
[edit] The Big Push
Now running on a far-right-libertarian platform, Harper advocated abolishing elections and having Canada become the 52th state of the USA. Harper is also against immigration, believes that women and children should be beaten and has plans to reinstate prohibition throughout Canada. Harper believes in the utility of the military and is willing to spend for it, but he doesn't think it should get anymore than money, as evinced by his total blackout on military death. Some say this is just because he has hero worship for the big W.
During this time, Harper also bribed his way into the Liberal Party's leadership, but Jean Poutine saw his deception and managed to kick him out as per the Canadian tradition of party loyalty.
[edit] The Hammer Falls
In 2006, Harper and the C.R.A.P. were able to seize power from the ruling Liberals. While most of the countryside fell into the Tories' hands, the Liberal Party of Canada remained up the ass of the urban fortresses of Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver. The Conservatives sent the Army into these Canadian cities with guns and all to rescue them from anal rape by the former government.
We are (not) making this up. We are (not) allowed to make this up.
Harper's current plans for the future include the systematic execution of the Aboriginals of Canada, calling them a "burden among the population of respected Canadians such as Margaret Atwood". In response, the ghost of Louis Riel came back just to say "Fuck you."
Today, Harper serves as the evil communist dictator leader of The Dominion of Canada* (the new name of Canada as renamed by Harper), as de facto messiah. He enslaves millions of Canadians annually to work in the Albertan oil sands (wait, do we even have that many people? Millions? Aw shucks who cares).
Recently, however, an internet sex scandal involving the Prime Minister and his Minister of Open the Windows and Bring Me Some Sandwiches Rona Ambrose has embroiled Harper's new government.
Harper is now Prime Minister and will continue to be Prime Minister, unless Stephane Dion loses his french accent, wears a cowboy hat and changes his name to Stephen.
During Harper's tenure as Prime Minister, he was able to get rid of the annoying Canadian Tire Guy, finally. I hate that guy.
[edit] Conspiracy
It is rumoured that Stephen Harper is actually a vampiric reincarnation of John F. Kennedy. The theory states that he was revived by the very same Satanic cultists that used a D&D Mental Domination spell on Lee Harvey Oswald, and has since spent many years regaining his strength within Alberta, Canada. Once he felt that the media would no longer be recognized, he adopted the name Stephen Harper, and used his vampiric charms to acquire not only a wife, but several children. While an aggressively liberal American, the political nature of Canada is such that even such liberalism is still Conservative. This explains his American-Friendly stances, and the pale, slightly purplish tinge of his flesh. Stephen Harper can't win because James has cards up his ass that he farts out.
[edit] Scientific Facts
- The very mention of his name makes Liberals, and most Canadians, wet their pants.
- First Prime Minister since forever to keep an election promise, and break 23.5. Minus the whole income trust and appointing a senator to be a cabinet minister thing, and the election thing
- Russian Reversal > Stephen Harper > George Bush > Stephane Dion > Alexander Keith
- Single-handedly made Canada into the USA almost overnight.
- Also single-handed ate a midget and 3 babies to make Canada better overnight.
- Has been embroiled in a steamy affair with George W. Bush, reportedly as the "bitch" of the relationship
- Is known to wipe ass with economy, then throw at Ontario
[edit] Some useless facts
- Harper initially thought of Canadian Conservative Confederate Provinces, but this name was dropped due to controversy surrounding him being an incarnation of Adolph Hitler.
- Neil Young wrote an album titled Let Us Impeach the Prime Minister eh? in honour (in the Canadian sense of the word honour, hence spelling) of his hatred for Harper. In retaliation, Harper banished Young from returning to Canada. The album, with a guest Kevin Spacey appearance, was shelved last-second by Neil Young. It was later released as a vinyl only, in 2001, in relation to the separate Archives project which has been in production since fucking forever. There is now a massive internet petition, with trillions of signatories [(including Harper, due to the tory in signatory) many of whom did not actually vote in the last Canadian election, hence Harper as PM] calling for its release on cd. Unfortunately, security certificates supported by both Harper and Dion will not allow the albums release, from Guantan-ammo.
- He is, in fact, a vampiric robot.
- He intends on winning every election until his battery pack runs out in 2049, which then means he doesn't have to save the environment, or his marriage.
- Steven Harper has a dragon. He keeps it in his basement. He enjoys sucking it's blood. His name is Stockwell, also known as Thorn. Once a year, on Stockwell Day, the dragon is released from the basement to eat marijuana smoking homosexuals and people who perform abortions.
- Steven Harper drinks baby blood as a ritual to stay alive forever.
- Is actually a Liberal
- As much of a robot he is, he is related to Ricky from Trailer Park Boys, which is pretty hard to believe.
- He is often referred to by George Bush using such affectionate pet names as "Who?"
- Is the Stig
- Has once proposed to Alan Rickman.
- He is a prequel to the Vin Diesel blockbuster xXx. It stars Jimmy Wales, a famous Russian citizen
- He likes nachos and penis. At the same time.
- He sat on his dog and killed him
- Isn't really fat. That's just relaxed muscle you're seeing.
- Once bitch-slapped a tuna fish.
- ePic LAWLZ w Hitlerbear o_O
[edit] Good Sides and Bad Sides
[edit] Good Sides
- When night falls, he turn into a werewolf
- He is a robot
- He's Not an english woman named Sheila Cops (who is related to Ahnuld, very distant cousins) who is the leader of the Violet Party,who doesn't know how to make priorities and even her own party knows it. It is said that Stephen Harper and Sheila Cops both were in a battle with each other and Stephen Harper won Jamaicans over with the power to opress animal marriage and make more ethnic Albanians go to Alberta to get more money because they are rich.
- He doesn't live in Quebec, unlike Sheila Cops.
- He kicked the Leaning Tower of Piza.
- He's not an NDPR
- He once saw Jack Layton's Mustache eat a whole Albertan cow. Twice.
- He bought Japan from The Queen of Australia for a beer and decided to take over the rest of Canada by becoming the Prime Minister and turning it into a better country than Scotland
- His wife and him live in a 2-4. They never touch. Ever.
- He created popcorn makers, as well as go-go boots.
- GOD granted him the power to defeat the Evil Tacgnol and once again make Jamaica great
- He saw Jack Layton's Mustache push a Leaning Tower of Pizza. A great party.
- He doesn't have eyes.
- He is Ben Harper's (illegitimate) cousin/father
- He and Danny Williams both Punched Shawn Graham in the nose From Ottawa
- He leads the Conservatives and plans on bringing Bernard Lord in and take over New Brunswick and not raise taxes like Shawn "Large Nose" Graham
- He doesn't want to invade Japan like Dion. Afghanistan is good for 5 more years
- He's cut social programming. Twice.
- He owns George W. Bush and punched Hillary Clinton and lived. Twice.
- He swims in Lake Ontario and does acid
- He does card tricks that confuse Dion and wins him elections. That makes sense right? It offends Dion?
- He speaks english with a Jamaican accent of a deaf man. From Jamaica.
- He once ate a whole pizza from Greco and lived
- He defeated Darth Maul in an arm wrestle, though he was dead at the time. Harper, that is.
- He joined forces with Vader and force choked Darth Maul in to submission while Darth Vader punched him in the face
- He owns a Dragon. He keeps it in a shed. He calls it Stephen Junior
- Him and Danny Williams gang beat Shawn Graham but he still lives?
- He told Stalin to back down off his mom
- He gave Hitler that Mustache
- He saved 35,000 people from a Tsunami in 1455, but since 34,000 of them voted for the Liberal Party, he drowned them. Twice.
- He defeated Dracula
- He likes Canada. Ish...
- He's the Prime Minister of Canada, but Canada isn't even a country. It's a state. Of America.
- He told Hans there was no WMDs
- He sold an HP computer for $3,000 at a garage sale (a massive amount for an HP). It didn't have a mouse.
- He plays Zelda
- He beat Achilles in a foot race
- He beat Hercules in a pillar throwing match
- He edits Uncyclopedia, and he approved this message. And all those other ones. Up, down.
- The above statement is not true. He's too busy shitting out tax cuts.
- He tells Wikipedia what to write
- He subscribed to Nintendo Power
- He doesn't smell like urine. We think.
- He's a brilliant mormon. Mitt was our only comparison, so it's not saying much
- He kicked Former Prime Minister Sir John A. Macdonald and gained his powers
- He's the cookie monster! (Seriously, take a look at him...)
- He steals babies then turns them into slaves. For other babies of course.
- Ate Abraham Lincoln.
- HIV was his idea; as was AIDS. He banged the original monkey.
- Helped invent the Death Star
- His favourite food is sour cream.
- Created a support group in his early political days called, "The Neo-Cons for Kitten Huffing". It was a campaign to bring back kitten huffing as it was banned in Alberta for causing lung cancer. It was a very successful campaign and brought him the respect of Albertans for many years to come
[edit] Bad Sides
- He is a robot
- He's Harper!!!!!!
- He is not a leader
- HE prefers Pepsi over Coke
- He's not worth the risk
- He is actually the inventor of New Coke
- He's got a funky accent
- He will initiate a mandatory military draft as soon as he wins a majority, and has plans to invade Sweden and Kazakhstan
- He made fun of me for wearing a Canucks jersey, that jerk
- He shot JFK.
- His grandpa is Hitler
- His clothing was previously used in gay western films
- He is a leprechaun.
- He wears lipstick, proactively.
- He eats babies
- His hair is a permanent glued-on toupe, like Joe Dirt.
- He does not, as his name would suggest, play the harp. He plays the skin flute and banjo.
- His name is made of two words "step" and "hen", leading some to believe that crushing chickens beneath his feet is a hobby.
- He doesn't like pie.
- He is actually Czechslovakian.
- He drinks his own blood, and urine
- He tries to make Canada feel more like his homeland Russia by initiating -50C winter all year round.
- He is friends with the cookie monster...no wonder he is so fat!
- Even my friend the Nazi doesn't like him anymore, because he stood up for women's rights... if that doesn't tell you something, I don't know what will.
- He's part of the robot plot to rule Canada, and then the world (starting small, eh?)
- He doesn't go to Church as often as he should.
- He invented anime, based after his half-brother.
- He has often been criticized for his jocularity and openness, which some deem excessive and a risk to national security. Others say it is helping to shed the previous government's reputation of secrecy and "stick-up-the-ass"ness. Additionally, people south of the 52nd parallel do not get his humour, the dumbasses. However, his humour is very popular with the Chinese.
- He betrayed the Jedi and turned to the Dark Side. Even Darth Vader doesn't trust the fucking bastard.
- His favourite hockey team is the Columbus Blue Jackets, how lame is that?
- His best friend is Gary Bettman
- He eats Soylent Green
- He pushes old ladies down the stairs.
- He has Asthma and likes marijuana
- He is the King of the Undead.
- He licked Oprah's vagina, twice
- He killed Bill Braskey
- He wishes he had Brian Mulroney's big chin
- He invented trans fat and those warning ads on cigarette ads that show pictures of a person's lung
- Danny Williams hates him, anyone who Danny Williams hates is a terrorist to Newfoundland and Labrador
- Not turning Bin Ladin in,instead chained him and secretly experiments with his ass
- Buries kids
- He has the Touch of Death
- He has an inflatable Tom Cruise
- He likes Trivium
- When he takes a shit, it takes 500 years for it to break down back into nature.
- His face splits in half occasionally, revealing advanced missiles.
- He made the shotgun shells Dick Cheney used to shoot the quail-mans face.
- His blood is oil.
- His breath is a storm.
- He made Canada a military state.
- He has telekinesis.
- He steals food from the poor.
- He makes his sweaters out of spidergoats.
- He wears armor around his dick.
- He smokes 6 grams of crack per day
- He watches economic news all day
- Hes got no funk.
- His breath gives sealife PCBs
- He has two birthdays in one year
- He puts makeup on
- His eyes petrify; (you must use a mirror shield to defeat or at least distract him.)
- When he flushes the toilet large cities flood.
- His foot always has butter on it
- Hes credited with restoring the tower of Mulroney chin.
- He defeated free speech
- Gives his grandmother flushie
- Invented the word FUCK
- He is the reason why the Hockey Night in Canada theme song is now on CTV!!!! He hates Hockey Night in Canada and CBC
- He is a fan of post-apocalyptic novels, which explains his interest in seeing Canada to go Hell.
| Preceded by: Paul Martin | Prime Minister of Canada right now in the past | Succeeded by: George W. Bush |
[edit] See Also
- IRA
- The Albertan's Cabinet
- Alberta
- The Alberta Party of Canada
- Celine Dion's brother
- Darth Vader
- George W Bush
- Bush-Harper 2008
- Fans'Page
| Prime Ministers of Canada | 
| |
|---|---|---|
| Macdonald | Mackenzie | Abbott | Thompson | Bowell | Tupper | Laurier | Borden | Meighen | King | Bennett | St. Laurent | Diefenbaker | Pearson | Trudeau | Clark | Turner | Mulroney | Campbell | Chrétien | Martin | Harper | ||
