Stephen Harper's Cabinet

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Stephen Harper's Cabinet caught in the middle of the Softwood Lumber Dispute in April 2006

Stephen Harper's Cabinet aka The Albertan's Cabinet is the ruling executive thingy in Canada. It was sworn in January 4, 2007, by Puppetnor-General Michaëlle Jean Chrétien.

The Cabinet[edit]

Rt. Hon. Stephen J. Harper: Prime Minister and Lord Puppetmaster of the Dominion. Mr. Hair by Mattel, Also in charge of baby-eating and Minister of separating Alberta. Minister responsible for backwards thinking, scuttlebutting, and flip flop expert.

Hon. Peter G. Mackay: Minister of Meeting with & Dating Condi Rice, Sort of Like the Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Giving Maritimers Large Sums of Money to Start Businesses & Drink Alexander Keith's, Minister of Calling Belinda a Dog - he would know, he dated her ... woof woof MacKay. Worst minister for Foriegn Affairs - he kissed the corrupt Mexican butt after 2 suspicious Canadian deaths.

Hon. John Baird: Minister of Environmental Policies Nobody but the Conservatives Approve of. Minister of Yelling at the Liberals while Waving his Hand and Having the Speech Featured on Rick Mercer Report - Minister of " getting CRAP from David Suzuki"

Hon. Lawrence "Boom Boom" Cannon: Minister of Transporting Stuff, Minister of Listening to the Cities Complain About Lack of Funding, Sort of Like the Deputy Prime Minister, Trusted Quebec Lackey

Hon. Jim Flaherty: aka Jimmy M.T. the Canadian Wallet - Minister of Wildly Popular Budgets Appealing Mainly to the Upper Middle Class, Minister in charge of being short and Irish, Minister of Sucking the Funds Dry from the Elderly

Hon. Loyola Hearn: Minister of Non-Existent Fisheries, Official Human Shield to the Prime Minister Against Celebrity Anti-Sealing Activists

Hon. Stockwell B. Day: Minister of Public Safety, School Crossings and Emergency Preparedness, Watercraft enthusiasts Safety geek, Minister of Possibly Being the Solicitor-General Until that Poofdah Paul Martin Changed the Department Name to "Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness", Minister of Lying Prostrate Before U.S. Homeland Security Officials

Hon. Monte Solberg: Minister of Child Care Policies Nobody but the Conservatives Approve of, Minister of Being Mobbed by Protesters, Minister of Flying Circuses

Hon. Vic Toews: Minister of Constantly Denying That the Government Is Planning Cuts to the Civil Service. Secretary of State of Moustaches & Baldness

Hon. Tony Clement: Minister of Health, Minister of Goofy-Looking Wimpiness, Minister Responsible for the Federal Northern Ontario Moose Prosperity Funding Program, Minister in Charge of Giving everyone SARS, Minister of Being the Loser who Got 3rd Place in the Conservative leadership. Minister of saying "ahhh, ahhh while talking to the camera's.

Hon. Rona Ambrose: Minister of Getting Hassled by the Premiers Since She Screwed up the Environment. Minister of Trying to Get Manitoba to Actually Diversify for Once Since Even Freaking Sasquatchewan is Doing Better than Manitoba for the First Time Ever. Minister of Ambiguity and Secretary of State for Brazilian Waxing.

Hon. Diane Finley: Minister of Citizenship and "Immigration", Minister of Wearing Sunglasses Inside Buildings

Hon. David Emerson: Minister of International Trade, Minister of the Vancouver Winter Olympics, Minister of the Turncoat Alliance, Minister of the Pacific Gateway, Minister Of Being Groused About by the Liberals for Switching Parties to Get A Cabinet Seat Until You Remind Them Belinda Stronach Did the Same Thing, Minister of Screwing Over Vancouver, Least-liked Minister of being Least-liked in his Constituency

Hon. Gordon O'Connor: Minister of a Federal Government Organization that Does Something that Can Be Construed as "Defense", Minister of Peacekeeping Missions that Canadians Are Unsure What to Think of Them

Hon. Bev Oda: Minister of Canadian Heritage, Minister of Femi-nazis, Lone Cabinet Visible Minority, Minister Responsible for the Removal of the Status of Dykes

Hon. Peter Van Loan: Government House Leader, Minister Responsible for Immensely Complex and Supposedly Necessary Senate Reforms That Only Political Scientists and the Media Have Strong Opinions About, Minister of Sport, Minister of Something to Do With the Privy Council, Minister of Cleaning Up the Mess that Michael Chong did after he Resigned as the Minister

Hon. Rob Nicholson: Minister of Half-Hearted and Mostly Ignored Attempts at Getting Tough on Crime. Attorney General of being an Attorney General in Brian Mulroney's big chin.

Hon. Michael Fortier: Minister of Public Works and Government Services, Receiver-General, Guy in the Senate

Hon. Marjory Lebreton: Minister of Really Really Old Dead People, Minister of Being Used by Every Conservative Prime Minister Since Diefenbaker...in Their Campaign, You Pervert.

Hon. Carol Skelton: Minister of Destroying all that is RED. This includes both the Liberals and Red Skelton. She is also Minister for National Revenue; Minister for... well nothing really.

Hon. Greg Thompson: Minister of Veterans' Affairs and Not Having Much to Do

Hon. Maxime Bernier: Minister of Industry and Having a Hot Ex Girlfriend Who is a Member of the Hells Angels

Hon. Josée Verner: Minister of Speaking French, Minister of Bailing Out Poor Countries, Minister of Chilling Out With Other French Countries

Hon. Jean-Pierre Blackburn: Minister of Labour, Minister of Trying to Get Quebeckers to Do Something Useful. Minister of no one claps after I talk during Question Period. Minister of can't speak English properly

Hon. Gary Lunn: Minister of Natural Resorces, Minister of Relative Obscurity

Hon. Jim Prentice: Minister of Indian Affairs and American Corporate secret agent. Father of the 'Canadian Police State' act.

Hon. Chuck Strahl: Minister of Lung Cancer, Minister of Agriculture and Agri-Food, Minister Responsible for the death of the Canadian Wheat Board

Jay Hill: Government Whip, Government Bondage Gear, The Enforce-ah

Jason Kenney: Secretary of State for White English Canadian Culture and Albertan Identity

Gerry Ritz: Secretary of State for Ritz crackers, Large Multinational Businesses and "Tourism"

Helena Guergis: Secretary of State for Kissing Up to Americans, Trade, and Hockey. Sister of Ann Coulter.

Christian Paradis: Secretary of State for Mad Cow Disease