Steroids
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I love 'em.”
Contents |
[edit] What are Steroids?
WWE's Triple H's breakfest, lunch, and dinner. According to Bud Selig, steroids are "the oat bran of the 21st century."
The term "steroids" typically refer to anabolic steroids, compounds that are similar to testosterone. Testosterone, in addition to turning the average man into a perverted asshole, also builds lean muscle mass. Although not technically true, some people also refer to the performance enhancing chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide as a steroid, due to the excessive bloating it causes.
"Steroids" can also refer to a painful condition, in the ass, that develops as a hemmorhoidal growth as a result of frequently traversing staircases (also known as "stairrhoids").
Steroids give you more muscle but make you bald, impotent, testicularly challenged, give you the incredible jaw of Jay Leno and acne so bad it melts your face. Enjoy!
[edit] History
The ancient Greeks were the first to use external testosterone to build athletic physiques. The Greeks figured out consuming bull testicles did not work: dead bull testes no longer produced active testosterone nor did it contain compatible amounts for that matter. Ancient Greek doctors deducted that testosterone needed to come from a live source and be compatible with the human body.
Thus, men started consuming some of their own junk. There were drawbacks: men had to be very flexible and tolerate a considerable amount of pain, unpleasant flavor and suffer through a bit of self-inflicted horror. Almost a century later, the Greeks officially declared the practice as non-productive: while ingesting your live balls sounded like an outstanding idea, the body's main place for the production of testosterone, quite ironically, was now gone for good. In fact, an ancient Greek medical text written by Anspotras referred to it as "a really bad call".
As far back as the 1930's, Soviet and American physical culture enthusiasts started using newly introduced pharmaceutical testosterone, or anabolic steroids. Not with any coincidence it was about this time where guys turned from laughable 160lb piece of crap losers into ripped 250lb men. Following the late seventies, with the appearance of Arnold Schwarzenegger, steroids enjoyed a huge boom in popularity.
[edit] Effects
Anabolic steroids makes muscle mass large. Along with resistance training and eating huge amounts of food (to the point that the nose is used as well as the mouth for putting down an average of 24 meals a day), it is not uncommon to gain hundreds of pounds of highly attractive lean muscle a year.
There are gender specific results as well: for example, a side effect called gynecomastia is where some of the massive amounts of testosterone converts to estrogen and causes steroid-using men to potentially grow a beautiful rack. The condition is often called "bitch tits" within the bodybuilding community. This vulgar slang name's origin is said to have started when Arnold Schwarzenegger, acting as color commentator in a 1981 Mr. Olympia, stated "wow, that big bitch has some really nice tits".
Anabolic steroids come in both oral and injectable forms. In order to deliver the amount needed to induce an effect, drug companies were forced to produce huge 20 kilogram caplets. On the plus side, these oral preparations can be used as part of a bodybuider's resistance training regimen, then ingested. However, many bodybuilders have cited some problems with swallowing the pills.
Typically, steroids are "stacked", or taken at the same time with other muscle building compounds. It is not uncommon to use several different steroids at the same time, along with other hormones such as growth hormone and insulin. Huge amounts of protein and supplements are also used at this time. In no particular order, the grocery list of a common bodybuilder will include: testosterone, generic drugstore testosterone, testosterone for horses, testosterone for whales, protein powder, protein powder with testosterone, creatine, human growth hormone, fat-guy-sweat, amino acids and a fine chamomile tea.
[edit] Drawbacks
Now do you really want to end up like this?
Some of the symptoms of steroid use are bulging eyeballs popping out of their sockets, blackened teeth, heads turned 90 degrees to the side, maggots bursting from the skin, shrinkage of balls to sesame seed size, and inablility to pick up the telephone without crushing the receiver to a powder.
Most users experience an intense increase in their sex drive and cum production. The sick irony is the chemical known as "tren" will make your dick shrivel right up and make it nearly impossible for you to get an erection. As such, most bodybuilders are total "bottoms" and like taking it up the ass because they can't stick theirs anywhere.
A February 2009 study by The National Academy of Health concluded: "If you take steroids you are losing the 'sugar daddy' abilities (where money minus hair plus 20 lbs. equals hot chick) by taking these you are building muscle minusing money probably adding hair and therefore are probably not gonna get sex because your muscles are too big."
[edit] Little Known Facts
- The street term for Steroids is "Gears" (Example: Have you seen Marty lately? He's Jacked! He must be on gears.)
- Steroids are good for you
- Barry Bonds was born with steroids in his bloodstream and that is why it's natural.
- Stacking anadrol with dianabol in a combination with deca-durobulin and stanazoLOL will give you extreme "women picking up abilities" Make sure that you post-cycle with some Anavar and Halotestin. (Side effects include death)
- Trenbolone aka "FINA" is the only steroid that actually gets you jacked and tan. The tanning effect is caused by the accelerated melanin production this hormone produces. It, however, causes "tren dick" which is a perpetual flaccid state. It has also been known to cause severe rage.
(see picture below for an example of Tren rage)
[Image:http://www.comic-mint.com/media/client/hulk-homer-sidewalk-small-c7810.JPG]
