Stephen F. Austin
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“What?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Stone Cold Steve Austin
I am the Master of the Middle Finger, Chief Ass Whooper of Sorry Sons of Bitches. Beer drinker, among beer drinkers. Truster of No One! And I will stomp a mud-hole in your ass and walk it dry. My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and tonight ... I unleash hell!
- ~ Stone Cold Addressing Emperor Commodus in the Coliseum
Stephen F. Austin is a great Texan hero who, after a terrible accident, was rebuilt using bionic parts. Later, he went on to become a professional wrestling legend.
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[edit] Go West, Young Man
At the age of 20, Steve Austin moved to the then Spanish territory of Texas, along with many other American settlers. They lived there peacefully for a time, but soon wanted a state of their own. Austin led the Texans in a revolt. He battled against the armies of Santa Anna, and often rode into battle on a four-wheeled ATV. What?! I said "a four-wheeled ATV"! Finally, in an epic battle, Austin hit Santa Anna with the Stone Cold Stunner and gained independence for the Republic of Texas.
[edit] A Man Rebuilt
After being named the first President of Texas, Austin has begun to settle down. He enjoyed hunting excursions with friends and family, and threw many beer bashes. One fateful day, however, Austin was out hunting. He stumbled across a rattlesnake, and was bitten. His body was ravaged by the viper's poison. Texans, not willing to give up their leader, came up with a plan. They rebuilt Austin using bionic parts, at a cost of six million dollars, which today roughly translates, due to inflation, to 152 bajillion dollars. Austin was then known as the Six Million Dollar Man. He soon filed an application for Texas to become a state in the United States of America. When it was learned by America that he was a bionic man, they asked him for help with various problems. Austin obliged for a time, but soon grew restless again.
[edit] Wrestling Career
After helping America dispatch various enemies of the State, Austin decided to hang it up. He saw promise for himself in the field of professional wrestling. Here, he found happiness. He could beat up on people, drink one beer, two beers, three beers, four beers, five beers, a shot of whiskey, and a margarita... and ride his ATV, and the people loved it. It wasn't long before he became World Champion, winning match after match with the same move he used on Santa Anna: The Stone Cold Stunner. Unfortunately his career took a turn for the worse after a very painful and humiliating confrontation with Condoleezza Rice, in which he was stripped down to his 'Bra and Panties' in a 'Hell in a Taco Bell' match.
One of his most famous matches occurred when he went back in time to take on life as a gladiator. He challanged the Emperor, Commodus, to a match, and came out victorious.
[edit] What?
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[edit] Acting
Later on, "Stone Cold" Stephen F. Austin found out about the magic of movies... he then took on many minor roles, mainly slapstick comedies, such as the longest silent yard as a jail guard, in which he played the new game of football against Adam of Sandlerand his better half Bill Goldberg, but his rival, Thine Rock, was to be starring in many a silent film.
