Steve the Pirate
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Steve the Pirate is a character in the hugely successful movie Dodgeball, and is played by Alan Tudyk.
That's all the facts you're going to get... bitch.
“ Steve is my bitch.”
~ That meowing kid from The Grudge on Steve the Pirate
“Alan...Two dick?....JEALOUS! I'd like just one....”
~ Tom Cruise on Steve the Pirate
“ *Slams head into wall repeatedly*”
~ Katie holmes on Tom Cruise
Contents |
[edit] The Legend
[edit] The Wedding Tackle
For a start, Steve has two penises. No, really. Look at the actor's name: 'Tudyk'. How else could that possibly be pronounced, other than 'Two-Dick'? One story goes that Steve was born with only one, but later on in life he served on the Black Pearl with Cap'n Jack Sparrow, and during his time there he stole Will Turner's meatrod and claimed it for his own. Another story goes that Steve was, again, born with only one, but it was so massive that the decision was taken to cut it into two pieces, and graft the other half back onto him. This is more plausible, but the idea that Will Turner is actually dickless is just too funny. And of course, the third story states that Steve was just 'born that way' but that is generally ignored. After all, this is satire.
[edit] Lost
For the next 250 years, Steve spent his time drifting around the High Seas and occasionally the Low Seas when the fancy took him. His crew consisted of a one-eyed dog and a three-winged parrot that flew in circles. In a failed attempt to even things up, he amputated one wing off the parrot and attached it to the mutt's face. Evidently he had found surgical implements and taught himself veterinary procedures while on his travels. However, this plan backfired twofold. The parrot, finally experiencing freedom, flew too far away from the ship and was eaten by a flying shark, cousin of the flying fish; and every time the dog blinked it made a ridiculous and eventually infuriating wafting sound. In a fit of rage, he sailed to the nearest land mass and stayed there, single-handedly pushing the ship back into the ocean with the dog still on board. He was there to stay and, sinking steadily into a welcomed spell of madness, he named the islands the Canary Islands owing to the distinct lack of small yellow birds. However, Latin pedants will tell you that 'Canary Islands' derives its name from the Latin for dog, which I can't remember but it starts with Can-, and thus they overlook Steve the Pirate's contribution entirely. Steve was really pissed off with this and one day in 1932 looked into the sky and saw an aeroplane, glinting mockingly in the Sun. Filled with an indomitable fury, Steve shook his fist at the flying behemoth and roared "GARRRRRR!" The plane promptly exploded and crashed on the islands. Chuck Norris would later learn this trick, except he has to point to identify the target. The plane was found to contain a full complement of film cast and crew, plus cameras and boom mics. Not ones to let a plane crash get in their way, the cast and crew instead decided to go ahead with a new project and made the TV show Lost, which has successfully run for over 70 years and these days consists of old men grunting and occasionally fondling boys.
[edit] Average Joe's
In 1949, emaciated and exhausted by making tea for the film crew, Steve hitched a lift back to the mainland off a basking shark. Due to the slow and leisurely nature of the basking shark, which naturally enjoys basking, Steve started to swim better and better and before long, it was he who gave the shark a lift back to the mainland, where the lazy bastard was finally shot by Roy Scheider. Steve survived Roy's ferocious attack on such a misunderstood species and immediately wanted to know what year it was. The first person he asked turned out to be the second incarnation of Norman Bates, and discovering it was the year 1959, they promptly went into business together and formed a gymnasium. Steve, being rather quaint and old fashioned, asked that everyone be naked, even the women-folks, but Bates was of sounder mind and designed clothes for the athletes. It was around this time that Steve was entered into a Dodgeball competition. Bates was in the final shoot-out and used The Force to determine where the ball was, and used the Dark Side to win. Not content with this victory, he went on to found a motel with his dead mother. Steve, meanwhile, faded into obscurity and, in desperation, cut off his hair, rather like Cleopatra, which was also written by me.
