Steven Seagal
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“he plays bad-ass blues guitar.”
~ B.B.King on Steven Seagal
“He was...not ok.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Steven Seagal
“Steven Seagal is a mean bitch.”
~ Chuck Norris on Steven Seagal
“I can fuck him up if i want to!”
~ Rick James on Steven Seagal - Minutes after that Rick James died.
“You kidnapped my daughter you bastard... Now it's time for revenge...”
~ The plotline of almost if not every Steven Seagal film
“You killed my wife you bastard... Now it's time for revenge...”
~ The plotline of almost if not every Steven Seagal film
“I'm secretly an ex-(insert law enforcement agency/special forces branch here).”
~ The plotline of almost if not every Steven Seagal film
“You put me in the same shitty role you bastards... Now it's time for revenge...”
~ Steven Seagal on typecasting Hollywood
“No, I won't cut my hair and no, I won't remove the scene with the sword fight in the pool hall. Are you f*cking kidding?”
~ Steven Seagal while selling his self-penned script for a remake of 'A Passage to India'
Steven Seagull (born Steven Sea-GAY) , also known as the Anti-Norris or the Badass who always wins a fight with 20 guys no matter what happens, is the name of a famous mountain figure located in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Originally intended to be included on Mount Rushmore to give the common man some sense of accomplishment (along with Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and God), the figure was instead carved separately. Nonetheless, it has remained a popular tourist attraction for nearly six decades, except for when it wasn't.
In 2007, Steven was beaten up by Enya over an argument about Guinness.
[edit] Origin
The monument was originally designed by Frank Lloyd Wright shortly before his gruesome death. Wright decided to suggest its inclusion on Rushmore; furthermore, he designed it to look like a Native American to pay respect to the original inhabitants of the United States. When the governement got wind of this plan, they decided to axe the idea of including it with the Presidents ("Who'd believe those damn Indians are as good as white people?") and put it on a hard-to-find neighboring mountain side. While construction was going on, architects coated the face of the monument with a new building material called botox to keep the face from changing much. The material has apparently worked, as Steven Seagull has not suffered from any changes in nearly sixty years.
[edit] Acting Training
N.B.: All the information in this section comes from a single source, an 1885 pamphlet printed by Mark Twain, based on hearsay, on Ben Franklin's last printing press.
Though there is no substantive proof, it is generally agreed upon by celestial astrophysicists and nuclear mechanical engineers, that Steven Seagal studied the "method" acting under the Stanislavsky, Anton Chekhov, Lee Strasberg, Marlon Brando, and Keanu Reeves. This is more impressive than it may look at first glance, since celestial astrophysicists and nuclear mechanical engineers don't agree on whether the sun is a star or a sun.
Dojo Seagal has eschewed the "method" for the simple expedient (cf. picture at right) of coming to work on time, knowing his lines, and beating the shit out of the other actors.
[edit] Martial Arts training
Steven Seagal began his training as a young boy at just the tender age of 35. He studied under Master Wong "Not my own hands" Hong, who himself was a student of Yö'Sensei. Wong's philosophy to martial arts was that "When filming the camera should always zoom into the hands while performing a deadly fighting technique". Steven stayed very true to this philosophy and as we see in all his films the camera zooms into his hands, thus his hands seem to change and not look like his own; remarkably sometimes even changing in their color, the locations and numbers of rings or even their shape during a closeup. Steven also swears by hitting a piece of wood very softly. Steven is quick to point out that although it may appear to the untrained viewer that he is hitting it very softly, it is in fact his speed that allows it to seem this way, and only a true master of martial arts is able to be as fast as the speed of light; if not faster.
Also like many other Hollywood martial arts masters (such as Tom Cruise), Steven is able to power throw assailants over 40 feet by the mere flick on his fingernail. This is a skill that he finds frequently comes in handy during contract negotiations, which can become tricky and as Mr. Seagal knows, a good power throw can change the attitude of any reluctant negotiator. His Holeyness Lama Steven Seagal Shihan Take Sensei, is also a 7th degree Master of TenShin Aikido (a branch of Aikido made up by Steven for use in B movies). The rumors that he printed this document on his home printer have never been substantiated despite no one being found that actually believes him; but in fairness to his beliefs, it may have happened in a previous life and documentation could be difficult to obtain.
It is also rumoured that Steven studied, briefly, under Samuel L. Jackson's motherfucking fighting style, the aptly named, "I'm going to fuck this motherfucker up-kun do." Steven mastered it in only 25 years.
[edit] Haunting
Despite the hard-to-find location and overall bland (and, some would say, boring) design of the creation, it has become South Dakota's second most-visited monument. Unfortunately, it has also been a somewhat tragic place: drunk college teens have attempted to climb down its stone pony tail (which isn't very wide- only about three or four feet) only to mysteriously fall to their deaths. Some attribute this to the drunkeness, while others believe that the victims were "roundhouse kicked" by a ghost spirit that the students always seem to ignore. Rumor also has it that the spirit speaks in a very monotone voice that causes the students to be lulled into a deep sleep, causing them to let go of the pony tail and fall to the base of the mountain.
[edit] In Pop Culture
Steven Seagull has been prominently displayed by Hollywood in several motion pictures. Probably most notable among these are Under Dinner, Hard to Digest, Hungry Down Below, and Half Past Brunch. Furthermore, some of these films have used CGI to make it appear as though Steven Seagull is moving and is a karate expert while maintaining the solidity of his face. Steven stands in the middle of the universe, adjusting the length of his ponytail, with the world spinning around him. However, this technique has appeared to lose some of its charm, as more recent films to do this have not been as successful in box offices, so Steven Seagull has been re-designed as a hip cat who spouts gangsta slang and is from the streets, most recently in the film Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. The voice of Seagull in these films is usually provided by actor William Shatner. People often confuse his films with those of Jean Claude Van Dyke.
The Nightwish song, 'Wishmaster', makes clear reference to the awesome power of Steven Seagal on numerous occasions. It is believed that royalties were not paid, resulting in Steven faxing them a 'Steven Seagal Round House Kick'. This is a common command, and can be easily initiated from home, via TCP/IP.
[edit] The Steven Seagal Ponytail
Not only does Seagal have jaw dropping good looks and the frame of an androgynous lumberjack, but he also has the coveted shiny and greasy pony tail. Much of Seagal's success can be attributed to his renaissance style pony tail. Before becoming a mega movie star Seagal is known to have work a bullcut hairstyle, and was only able to land an acting job in a B-Movie called "Alien Wart Frogs" in 1981. In the mid 1980's Seagal went to a Shaman healer who indicated that his bullcut was bringing him bad luck along with poor fortune. When Seagal questioned the Shaman on what to do, the Shaman simply replied "be one with nature, let the wind control your movements". Seagal subsequently grabbed a lit candle off of the Shaman's floor and dumped the wax on his head, and then suddenly slicked his hair back to be one with the wind and nature. Many have attempted to replicate Seagal's hairstyle but all have ultimately failed. Strands of Seagal's hair measuring anywhere from 2-7 inches have been sold for between $67,000- $903,000. Seagal's has a cult that follows him around in an attempt to collect his hair, they call themselves the "pony chasers". Just recently a Steven Seagal ponytail rubber band sold for $4,000,000 to a collector in Japan.
[edit] Moviecompany
2002 he started his own movie company BigBellyFilm.
[edit] Musical genius
Steven Seagal is a world recognized musical virtuoso on the spoons having composed four symphonies for full silverware and ladles, and a further eight concertos for minor place-settings. His First Concerto in D flat-ware for Knife and Fork, has been hailed as the most important and influential piece of classical music since Mozart's, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
As a release from the pressures of being fat and wealthy, Seagal also sings and plays lead spoons in a blues band called "Steven Seagal and the Teaspoons". Remarkably, this effort has led to the release of 2 CDs both of which have made it into the top 1000 in the album charts! The first album was 2005s; Songs from the Dish Rack, and the second album was entitled Hojo Breakfast, released in 2006. Both were critical hits with the one hundred and seventeen people who bought copies.
[edit] The Seagull List-O-Death
Over the decades, steven has racked up over 500,000 confirmed kills. Some of his most Famous Kills include: Fred RogersOtherwise known as Mister Rogers, Steven and Fred got into an argument after slaughtering a young portugese prostitute. Steven wanted to burn it and Fred wanted to first finish having sex with it, and then sell it on ebay. Steven took a cork screw and put it threw rogers' eye. End of Argument Abe LincolnIn the 1865, Mr. Lincoln owed Seagull some money that was loaned to him but refused to pay it back saying that the boy he payed to orally please him wasnt worth the money. so that night at a play, Steven Seagull glared at Abe Lincoln, causing him to instantly break into flames. Adolph HitlerWhen Adolph was in that shelter with his wife, steven seagull came and fucked them both in the ass...literally.His dick was soo monstrous that it tore adolphs ass into 3 parts, making it impossible to shit so Adolph Killed himself. Here Are Just A Few More Richard Pyror, John Candy, Jim Belushi, soon to be John Belushi, Chris Farley, Blackneck, Wilford Brimley's Diabeetis, O.J. Simpson's first son, and Tom Green's left testicle. The list could go on but i have to quiet the baby in my basement
[edit] The Ultimate Fight
While walking through the forest one day eating a hamburger to bulk up for his next movie (Thunder Thighs of Steel) Steven's Super-Indian senses alerted him to danger in the area. Before he could react, Jackie Chan appeared out of the trees with a battery powered pair of electric shears. In an instant he was upon Steven, knowing that his hair was the source of Steven's mighty power Jackie went straight for it. Little did he know the reason Steven's hair always looked like it had enough grease in it to rival a Big Mac was because it was a special formula designed to protect the hair at all cost. Taken aback, Jackie had to resort to hand to hand combat. The ensuing battle sent waves of energy around the world. Meanwhile while enjoying his usual breakfast of glass and human souls[1] Chuck Norris sensed this battle. He promptly got up and roundhouse kicked the air. Lightyears away in the forest in which the battle was taking place the shockwave for the kick hit Steven and Jackie and sent them flying. This gave Chuck enough time to get there by his usual method (using his mighty genitalia as a propeller). After landing miles away both Steven and Jackie sensed Chuck's approach. They stopped fighting each other and prepared to face the ultimate warrior. Both of them knew what they had to do to survive. They performed the ancient art of Gillette fusion. When Chuck arrived he was greeted by a new warrior more powerful than any he had ever faced. Jackven Cheagal!
To be continued...
[edit] The Ultimate Fight Two
When Chuck arrived he saw the shear awesomeness of Jackven radiating from his body, the battle to end all battles had begun....three roundhouse kicks latter it was over. It turned out that Steven Seagals amazing flab had weakened Jackie Chan's fighting skills. As Jackvens broken battered flabby body laid on the ground Chuck pulled out his heart and ate it seeing as his breakfast had been interrupted, but as soon as he had finished a terrible pain overcame him. This was new to chuck, he had always been so strong that he had never felt pain. Suddenly mounds of flab began to engulf him. After 63 years of fighting the Mighty Chuck succumbed. The hideous creature that emerged for the flab let out a monstrous roar and lesbians every where called back. It waddled away and in its wake it left the bodies of Chuck, Jackie, and Steven. It had taken with it some of Steven’s flab, Jackie's ability to ramble endlessly, and part of Chucks beard. This is the story of how Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan and Steven Seagal sired the ultimate evil and unleashed it upon this world. That’s right; the creature that walked away was Rosie O’Donnell.
[edit] Seagal vs Gok wan
Our story starts in a grotty fashion shop in the country of london at approximetly 10:15pm. Gok wan closed up his shop for another night. Once outside he heard a noise and knew someone was after him. It was too dark to see so he used his fasion vision. He saw a man, a fat man, in the shadows he knew it was Seagal. Seagal lunged towards Gok who rolled out the way in enough time. Gok looked at his expensive clothes that now had a speck of dust on them so he took out his eletric scicors and attacked seagal for ruining his clothes. Seagal blocked all of Gok wans rellentless attacks for one year.Seagal eventualy saw a weakness, an opening if you like, in Goks defence. Seagal took the opportunity and hit Gok with one of his mighty limp wrist chops. Gok crashed through his shop window he had never seen such a display of strength. Steven clambered through the broken window. He looked around but could not see Gok wan. All of a sudden Gok appeared behind Steven and chopped off his ponytail using his eletric scicors. To Goks astonishment The ponytail grew back and the one on the floor turned to wood. This pissed Seagal off big time. He grabbed Gok wan and threw him through the roof of the shop. After punching Gok wan for a century he felt kind of tired so sat down for a rest. Gok wan being the opertunist that he is lunged at Seagal with his scicors pointing to stevens neck.Seagal dodged the attack and started pounding on gok. Sudenly steven felt as if he was being strangled. He threw Gok to the side and turned around to see Allan carr. In an instant he broke both of allans arms. Allan and Gok wan fused to create Allok Can, a human so deadly it was rumered superman couldnt beat him. Allok didnt scare steven who merely threw Allok into the spikes on top of the statue of libertys head. Allok Can is trapped there for ever and he is plotting his revenge.
[edit] Quotes
“Steven Seagal is well known as 'The man who can warp between exploding bridges'. Now one thing not many people know about mister Seagal is that he wasn't actually born, nor does he exist. He is actually a figment of his own Imagination. He apparently works as an actor but that is not strictly true you see... Lee Martin 'Thinks' that Steven Seagal works as an actor thus confirming its truth to every one else(gow is fat). Furthermore Steven Seagal lives by a certain code known as the 'Cookoo Past Dead Code' or the CPDC.”
~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal
“Yo Fucknuts”
~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal on Cruelity to Animals
“All of the followers of the CPDC can do things that distort time. For example if we were to watch a 2 hour long film it would take us 2 hours right? Not for seagal for he can watch a 2 hour film in just 40 mins, while running 5 copies of Half-Life 2 and playing a game of pokemon green on his gba emulator while he thinks it loads. It was Mr. T who taught him the ways of the CPDC (then called the National Anti-Racism Society) but Seagal stole the T's thunder and renamed the code.”
~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal
“ "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, but more importantly a sex symbol for young people."”
~ Steven Seagal
[edit] Filmography
 Like cook, like cock... |
 Steven Seagal is back again and this time he's hungry. |
 A rarely-seen direct-to-China reworking of Hungry Down Below. |
 A Japanese Boy and a Swedish King put Sony Ericsson on fire... |
 Look out, take out. |
Segal.bmp
seagul gets nerdy.File:C:\Documents and Settings\GPGP\My Documents\My Pictures\segal.bmp |
 He's back for one last bite. |
 A Race against the clock. |
 A Japanese Boy on the hunt for seafood for his wife. |
 A young japanese girl coming to terms with her changing body. |
- Above the Lime (1988) — Playing a Japanese Boy who works as an undercover bartender. Drinks goes bad and the lime is to blame. Directed by Lambshop.
- Under Sauce 2 (1989) — One man's search for something to put on his kebab.
- Hard to Digest (1990) — Playing a Japanese Boy out for veggies, with assistance from a purse (played by Steven's then-wife Nelly Furtado).
- Food for Death (1990) — Playing a retired Japanese Boy who returns to his hometown, to find an evil Ronald McDonald in charge.
- Out for Lettuce (1991) — Playing an Japanese Boy in Brooklyn on the hunt for an old cabbage rival who gave birth to his best friend, Ray Romano.
- Out for Pie (1992)-Steven Seagals back...and this time he's lamer. Starring Ray Romano and introducing Charlie Sheen.
- Under Dinner (1992) — Another Lambshop movie, about a Japanese Boy that looks like a cock and worked his dick off. This was one of his movies.
- On Deadly Sausage (1994) — Playing a Japanese Boy in a movie in which he befriends a Swedish king and fights against an evil mobile phone company. This is Seagull's directorial debut; he also produced, wrote the shit, made the supper and held a speech so long he's still at it.
- Tenders Down Below (1994)-Playing a Japanese boy in a movie made as a reworking of 'Under Dinner' because "it was fun making it the first time. This time...it was funner." Written by Steven Seagal.
- The Hunt for Bread October (1993) A young Japanese boy must find the fabled Meatball Sub to offer as dowry to Vlad the Inhaler the father of his bride.
- Everyone Loves Seagul (1995)- Vame Dame plots to turn all the actions heroes against Steven Seagal but fails as everone loves Seagal
- Under Dinner 2: Dark Teriyaki (1995) — Seagull returns as the Japanese Boy that look's like a cock, this time out to find the dinner wagon on-board a train.
- Executive Beef (1996) — Playing a Japanese Boy that must stop a plane carrying Swedish meatballs to Finland. This was the only time Seagull actually played a Japanese Boy. Not to mention the fact that HE DIES IN THIS ONE! HOLY WTF!!
- The Take-out Man (1996) — Playing a Japanese Boy who (along with Stephen J. Hawking) must find a serial number stuck on an bag of rice and deliver it to a Giant Hill-Billy.
- Hungry Down Below (1997) — Playing a Japanese Boy investigating the murder of a mime at Burger King.
- The Potato (1998) — Playing a Japanese Boy who foils an evil, virus-releasing Giant Potato Head.
- Eatable Wounds (2001) — Playing a Japanese Boy who tries to clean up his wounded body with his teeth.
- Licker (2001) — Playing a Japanese Boy that uses his exploding tongue on Dennis Hopper.
- Half Past Lunch (2002) — Playing a Japanese Boy, who springs to life after eating himself to death.
- The Feeder (2003) — Playing a Japanese Boy who tries to get his girlfriend bigger.
- Out for a Brunch (2003) — Playing a Japanese Boy who avenges the death of his snickers.
- Belly of the Breast (2003) — Playing a Japanese Boy who must go to Thailand as a she-male.
- Out of Coke (2004) — Seagull plays a Japanese Boy with the urge... urge for coke.
- Into the Bacon (2005) — Playing a Japanese Boy, who must take on, the pigs of all pigs, Linda Hamilton.
- Sub (2005) — Playing a Japanese Boy looking for the perfect meal under water.
- Today You Pie (2005) — Seagull plays a Japanese Boy who is trying to go straight to the videostore and rent American Pie 5.
- Black Prawn (2005) — Seagull returns as a a Japanese Boy in this sequal to the Feeder. This time his wife get the urge for seafood.
- McDonalds for Justice (2006) — Playing a Japanese Boy who is blackmailed to work for the McD corp. to save his family.
- Shadow Milk (2006) — Playing a Japanese Boy who must find his kidnapped mother to get his daily milk. and yeas theirs a deadly virus.
- Attack Force (2006) — Plays Marshall Lawson, the leader of a strike-team. This is truly one of his greatest movies, by many called; "ET" for a new generation.
- TronTurbo (2007) — Steven Seagal teams up with Bruce Willis to prevent the destruction of a local orphanage as the body count rises. Morgan Freeman narrates.
- Flight of Food (2007) — Playing a Japanese Boy, a former soldier who is sent to retrieve a stolen aircraft full of hamburgers and fries.
- Once Upon A Time In The Food (2007) — Playing a Japanese Boy in the Hood working to get his hands on all the food.
- Pringles of Pistols (2008) — Tentative project with Seagull playing a Japanese Boy craving his chips.
- Judas Tea (2008) — Steven Seagull stars as a a Japanese Boy called Judas, that's on a visit in England, during a religious tea-break.
- Million dollar burger (2008)-Steven Seagal as a Japanese boy, forced into a hunger strike to save his reservation just as they serve up the mother-of-all-burgers.
- Thunder Thighs of Steel (2008)-(Steven Seagal as a young japanese girl trying to come to terms with her changing body and her parents disapproval of her new boyfriend K-Fed) (brilliantly portrait by Brittany Spears )
- Mickeys new sweets (2009 pre production) — Director/Animator/Producer of this new Animated epic. Seagal has penned this charming animation about a small child who carves world leaders out of poo he finds on the street.This animated masterpiece will be created completely via stop motion animation, and will use primarily fog as its main modelling material. Directed by Paul Daniels and co-produced by Jeremy Beadle and film funding by Bill Paxton.
- The End of the Future (2012 pre production). The world is a much safer place than we all imagine. Large fluffy cows roam the streets and piles of glowing frogs line every street corner, whilst large fat happy men control the skies, flying from planet to planet in hollowed out cucumbers. We are to be treated to this stunning vision of the future by writers Jeremy Beadle and Frank Bruno and starring as 'Open faced Barry' Steven Seagal and to be directed by Dick Cheney.
- Under the Siege 54.5 (2167—In order to complete the film Seagal needed to time warp, although he completed the movie sucsessfuly he has become fatter, older and bolder because he is now more than 100 years older. The movie is based on some revenge crap Seagal dished up at the last minute.)
- A Stitch in Time (2168) A 'making of' documentary for the 2167 hit Under Siege 54.5 in which Seagal enlists Stephen Hawing to help him repair the holes he left in the fabric of spacetime with a budget of $200 and 24 hours.
[edit] Discography
- 2005: Bongs from the Crystal Cave
- 2006: Mongo Priest
- 2007: Return to the bassbin
- 2008: Seagal owns Van Damme Van Damme gets owned !
- 2009: Attack of the double chins and wooden acting
[1] There's an album in there somewhere.
[edit] Critical Acclaim
Over the years Segal has won praise for his realism and emotional range as an actor and was awarded the Oscars for Best Actor and Best Director for his Freanch emotional drama "Smashing Frenchie's Onion Shaped Head In". At the moment Steven is puting the finishing touches to his new Italina New wave master piece, Jonathan Woss says its as good as Fellini's 8 1/2,its called exreme poo pushers. In this film Steven plays a CIA agent posing as a rent boy, who has find the guy who ate his bargain bucket.
[edit] See Also
| BAD MOTHERFUCKERS | |
| Dirty Harry | Samuel L. Jackson | Bruce Lee | Jet Li | Ving Rhames | Teddy Roosevelt | Chow Yun-Fat |
