Stewie Griffin
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Stewart Gilligan Griffin, usually known as Stewie, is a baby and serial killer from Quahog, Rhode Island. He is the third and youngest child of Peter Griffin and Lois Griffin. He is a main character in the hit sitcom series Family Guy. Despite being a cute, harmless baby on the outside, he is an evil, intelligent, clever killer whose main goals in life are to kill his mother Lois and take over the world. He has only one disadvantage: he's a baby. He is small, weak, and shits a lot in his diaper. He also has a mind of a baby; for example, if you play Peek-A-Boo with him, he'll think you've really disappeared. But what he lacks in age and size, he makes up in sheer intelligence and perfect marksmanship. With his closet full of guns and assorted gadgets and weapons of destruction, Griffin is a young but dangerous opponent.
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[edit] History
[edit] Birth
Stewie was made the same way all babies are made. However, legend has it that when he was in his mother's womb, Satan gave Stewie intelligence and evil powers. Whoever made this legend up appears to have been bat fuck insane. While Griffin was developing, he would kick Lois's insides and attempt to claw his way out, even though he didn't have fingernails. When Lois was giving birth to him, he attempted to kill her by grabbing her heart and pulling it out as he was exiting the birth canal. This caused Lois intense pain, but failed to kill her, making this Griffin's first failed attempt at matricide. When Peter came and held him for the first time, Stewie vomited on him and kicked him in the genitals.
[edit] Three Months to Six Months of Age
At the age of 3 months, Stewie would secretly go to combat lessons to learn how to fight, defend himself, and learn some cool moves resembling those seen on Mission: Impossible and Indiana Jones. After that, he attended gun shooting lessons and earned his gun license in less than twelve days. When his parents would go out for dinner, leaving him with a babysitter, he would knock out and rape the baby sitter, and always got away with it.
At the age of six months, Griffin began to walk and talk at the same time, unusual for such an early age. Compared to other children that age, he is more mobile and more clever, and much more talented at stealth. His attempts to kill Lois were brilliant but ultimately weak at this younger age. For example, while playing with blocks, he would throw hem at her, as if trying to stone her to death like people did in the days of Jesus. When that failed, he would crawl to her and bite her arm to try to sever an artery in the hopes she would bleed to death. This failed due to Griffin's lack of teeth.
His attempts at killing Lois became more diabolical as he grew older. At ten months of age, he slipped poisoned milk into her cereal, and when she ate it, she fell to the ground in spasms, foam coming out of her mouth. Griffin was so excited that he forgot that Brian, the family's talking dog, was a doctor. Brian saved Lois's life by sucking the poison from her mouth (which was disturbing). Stewie then nearly killed himslef with a toy knife. Even though his attempts always fail, he will never give up. Stewie has been this old his whole life. 3-6 months for about 8 years.
[edit] Joining Family Guy
When Stewie turned one, he and his family were offered by billionaire Seth MacFarlane to join a live sitcom show called Family Guy, to show how an actual family acts in the boundaries of their home. They accepted. Ever since the first episode, Griffin has become a favorite character of Family Guy fans and has enjoyed the life of the rich and famous. When he tries to kill Lois, the audience would laugh at his failed attempts, and at the way that nobody realized that he was actually trying to kill her, including his family.
In the 100th episode, called "Stewie Kills Lois," Griffin's parents went on a cruise. Griffin hopped on board and shot Lois about sixty times with a machine gun. After the family mourns, we see that one year later, Peter was blamed for her murder, but during his trial, Lois appeared alive and well, and told everyone what Stewie had done.
After that, on the 101th episode, "Lois Kills Stewie," Stewie becomes President of the World, but Lois fights him and Stewie gets shot by Peter. But the events of these entire two episodes turn out to be a simulated on a device that Stewie used to see if it was the right time to kill Lois.
A lot of fans were like: "What the fuck?", as they felt that the episode had wasted their time. Afterwards, Griffin got bored and decided to take over the world.
[edit] Crimes
Stewie Griffin has committed many crimes over the years, from small crimes such as robbing a baby's bottle and stealing a purse, to more extreme crimes like rape, murder and even genocide. Griffin never left any clues at the crime scene, and out of the 396 total crimes he committed, he was only arrested for two. He is barred from entering many states with orders to be shot on sight if ever spotted crossing the border.
Some of Griffin's minor crimes include stealing candy from a baby, hijacking a car and driving it under the age with no license, and illegally selling cocaine. His major crimes include raping twenty babysitters, murder, and killing the entire Kryponian race by blowing up their sun. His crimes have become more sinister as he has grown older, and his name was put on the Most Wanted People in the Entire Universe List, along with Osama bin Laden and Darth Vader.
[edit] Murders Committed By Stewie
- Citizens of Krypton- Killed them for fear they would try to stop his evil ways, but failed to kill Superman.
- Quagmire's Brother- Stewie can't stand one Quagmire, and two was even worse, so he killed him and blamed it on Elmo
- Flanders' wife.- She refuse to give up Flanders and become Stewie's servant, and he shot her with a shotgun. The whole event of her falling off some bleachers was a cover story.
- Bon Scott- Don't ask how.
- Your Mom- All night long.
The following is Stewie's hit list.
- Lois
- Fred Flintstone
- Superman
- Quagmire
- Sumner Redstone
- Creator of Wikipedia
- You
[edit] World Domination
Stewie dreamed of world domination even before he was born. His first drawing was thought to be a happy elf in a happy forest full of magical friends, but was actually his first plan to take over the world. Throughout his life, he would max out Peter's credit cards to obtain weapons and equipment, and bought many plots of land in Washington, where he plans to create his empire. But this eventually caused his family to go into massive debt, so Griffin started doing nude photo shoots and porno films to earn the money for his plans. He had double agents inside military bases around the world to give him weaponry and nukes. It was easy at first, but when the year 2008 and 2009 came, things got harder.
[edit] 2008
During this time was the part when things got difficult.
Griffin had to postpone his plans when gas prices spikedh, because the cost of gas for his tanks was already prohibitive even with normal gas prices. After gas prices lowered, he began working on his invasion plans again, but when he was convicted of selling cocaine in the streets, they were postponed a second time. Acquiring weapons from military bases was really becoming a problem as more equipment was used on the War on Terror. Also, Sewie became a milkoholic, and kept getting drunk whenever work needed to be done.
[edit] 2009
Griffin was almost ready to begin his invasion when the economic crisis hit, making it harder for him to obtain what he needed because many of the shops he gets his equipment from went out of business. As it became harder to make money, many of his workers quit because they weren't being paid enough.
Griffin's milk drinking problem grew worse. He began to realize that his invasion has failed because of financial problems. He became so depressed that he attempted suicide by overdosing on children's vitamins. Afterwards, he spent months at bars getting drunk on milk, lamenting the fact he will never take over the world. But, after a talk with Dr. Phil in rehab, he began to have faith that someday, his plans will succeed.
[edit] Prophecy
Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a tablet in some ruins that tells of a prophecy. Although the writing is written in an extinct language, not used for a thousand of years, scientist managed to interpret it and could tell that it is a prophecy of doom. It foretells that a evil ruler would conquer the nations and take over the world by the time he turns thirty-eight, where he will gain the energy of darkness needed to create harvoc around the universe in conjunction with Satan.
This ruler would be so powerful that it would be impossible to defeat him. The image on the tablet looks identical to Stewie Griffin. Because of this, many leaders have attempted to assassinate Stewie to stop him from becoming the evil person he is said to be, but every attempt has failed, as many have been killed by Stewie's wrath. The prophecy also says that only a unidentified man in green firing turret could challenge Stewie to a great battle on the fourth of August for control of the universe. They would fight for seven days and seven nights, and then Stewie would be stabbed in the heart by said firing turret, ending his reign and bringing peace to the universe.
This, however, has yet to happen, so people aren't very concerned about it, as they'll probably die of old age by the time Griffin reaches 38. However, younger generations have much to fear. If you haven't noticed, this pretty much foreshadows the End Times in which Jesus and the Anti-Christ will have a final showdown.
[edit] Trivia
- Stewie volunteered to be on the show Rugrats, but was kicked out after attempting to strangle one of the babies for stealing his cookie.
- Stewie is the reason why Miranda Cosgrove has a newt in her belly.
- He has a half brother named, Bertram, but nobody cares about him.
His best friend, Brian Griffin is actually a male furry.
