Stoat Molesting

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th century

“Molest a Tamia

~ Tamia
You may want to wear protection when molesting a stoat

When God made the animals, He paid special attention to the stoat, making it perhaps the most sexy animal ever, and that's up against some pretty stiff competition (i.e. giraffes for one).

Because of this implied mandate from God, it is seen as OK, even kosher, to molest the stoat.

The stoat is one of the Category 2 Fuckable Animals because it has a spine. In fact, it is because of its long spine that the sex-you-upness of the stoat is assured.

The standard technique for molesting the stoat is to use both hands and make a vigorous downward rubbing motion against the creature's belly. Imagine that the stoat is your penis, and you are performing an act of self-pollution on it.

Recommended stoat insertion method

A more advanced method is to wear a pair of baggy pants, baggy enough to allow the stoat freedom of movement when it is placed in the confines of your nether regions. A gentle dancing motion can then be employed to encourage to the stoat to stimulate you. Please do not then lie belly-first on a bed, as has previously been done - that practise is now illegal.

Stoat feltching was discovered by the welsh more or less exactly the early 19th century, give or take a century or 2. Stoat feltching is divided into 12 sub-categories as follows 1. Thou shalt not feltch thy feltcher 2. Thou shalt not call the Stoat the greek name; Keithus Mathasus or the polish name; oK 3. When engaging in feltching of the Stoat, the Feltchee may quote Jeremy Kyle if necessary. 4. Stoats either make up 12% of the human population or they don't E. Stoats are real though 6. Before engaging in feltching of the stoat, please read below: 7. Please read above 8. Stoats have more genetically in common with the poppadom than the dolphin. This may not be accurate 9. Feltching rhymes with beltching more than it rhymes with pneumonia, but it's quite a close one. Theres not a great deal in it. 10. Stoats have feelings too you know, they're scared of blood. Humans have emotions but stoats don't, so it's ok. J. Thou shalt not feltch thy feltcher 11. If you own a goat as well as a stoat, you become entitled to a boat. If boat is already acquired, then you get a free handjob from a member of the council. 12. Do not insert stoat down throat, unless nessesary and or convenient. This may cause itchiness to the lower knee and or tounge. 13. Feltchers may feltch in unison at an annual convention of the felchers, also known as Reading Festival. Competitions will be held covering pacifically every aspect of feltching, with the winner getting a free handjob from a member of the council. This is open to all ages between 12-87, and all races, apart from Mexicans. F. Stoats worship the Macedonian priest, Lord Spunkey fuck pig the second. When worshiping. Stoats shall not be feltched unless the feltchee would 'quite like to' 47. Stoats are 'alright' 48. The stoat becomes classified as a fruit when his/her body temperature exceed 12 degrees Celsius


It is also worth mentioning that Lidl currently have a great 2 for 1 offer on selected shampoo.

Note: This article confines itself to describing the molesting of the stoat. More advanced sex play should only be attempted after consulting a Stoat Pimp.