Stoke-on-Trent
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
|
This article has been brought to the attention of the Grammar Police as an article containing unacceptable levels of individuality and personal style. |
“When it seems that things can't get worse, take solace in the fact that at least you're not from Stoke. If you are from Stoke, take solace in the fact that things actually can't get any worse.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Stoke-on-Trent, again
A fictional city in North Staffordshire made up of six Towns (Longton simply being a neighbouring town), Stoke-on-Trent was invented in the early 20th Century by the playwright and novelist Arnold Bennet to provide the rest of Great Britain with talentless D-List Celebrities to laugh at.
Stoke-on-Trent boasts outstanding communication links with international airports located in the neighbouring cities of Birmingham and Manchester, a major railway junction several miles to the West in a small Cheshire town. One of Britain's busiest motorways wisely takes an unexpected detour to simply avoid the place.
The economy of the area is based on the large amount of state benefits handed out. To show the importance of said benefits in the area, it is estimated (Low end) that 95% of the residents state this as their only source of income.
A 2006 census indicated that nationalism was the state religion and that nearly 94% of the Stoke kingdom identified with this cause, with the remainin 12% adhering to nu-nationalism (which is similar to nationlism but with more hip hop samples).
Contents |
[edit] Monarchy
In 2001 the city of Stoke-on-Trent elected its own king, King Darren IV, who promised absolutely nothing in his manifesto. He won the popular on the grounds that he would be the least likely candidate to break his manifesto promises. He can often be seen with his odd looking bodyguards ordering five beefburgers, ten fritters, and a large sausage at the world famous Venus Fish Bar up 'anley duck.
Once a month King Darren is paraded before the students at Staffordshire University, who are encouraged to hurl bricks and rotten fruit to cast out evil spirits. Drawing blood or knocking the king from his perch high on his Royal Fiesta is considered to be good luck, so it is no surprise that the strongest student turnout to the 'stoning' is around examination time. Unfortunately for them, students from Keele University in the neighbouring country of Newcastle-Under-Lyme (locally known as the 'Other Newcastle') are not permitted to attend the stoning, so do not qualify for the examination luck.
[edit] City Centre
The central town of stoke is Up 'Anley Duc. Up 'Anley Duck's main attraction is it's once famous Potteries Shopping Centre. Though once a proud display of all that was good in Stoke it has now been consumed by the virulent disease, emo.
Emos in Stoke can generally be found in the North hanging around outside of the main entrance to the upper precinct. The Stoke emo can be recognized by it's horrible dress sense, womanly men, manly women, ugly rowfers skinny jeans, love of hugging people and constant flashing of cameras for their myspaces.
South of Up 'Anley Duck is Goth Quarter. This generally consists of the main area outside the museum and library.
East is Chav town, specifically located next to the 'Maccy D's innit bruv?' and KFC.
West is Skater Station, where long haired pretty boys can be seen rolling up and down a random bank thinking they look good. Can usually be spotted lurking around Dazed.
/b/tards can also be found in Forbidden Planet if one knows what to look for.
[edit] Diet
The populace of Stoke-on-Trent live on a fatty based gruel called Lobby and recycled flat-caps which are affectionately known as oatcakes. Stoke-on-Trent is also renowned for having more fish-and-chip shops per square-mile than any other city in England; they sell the best steak and kidney puddings in the world, not pies for you heathens. Stoke-on-Trent is home to Wright's pies, which are better than the cheap Pukka imitations. Particularly popular is the meat and potato pie.
[edit] Claim To Fame
Stoke is famous throughout the country, simply because everyone thinks it is shit, even without going there. This is probably because it is. Conduct this survey: go anywhere in the country, tell people you are from Stoke, and see how many sympathy cards you recieve. Stoke is also famous for having the most strange accent in the country some people even consider it to be another language altogether. "I onner stewpid, A read bewks n everythin." Its 'cos kick a bow agenna a woh and yed it till it bosts'. The more wordly aware (be that very few) habitants of Stoke-On-Trent bravely use "I'm from Stoke" as an excuse for any misconduct and are instantly forgiven for all sins; there is precendence for use of Stoke origins court as a valid defence (see Meduck vs. Righmate, Central Criminal Court, 1974). Stoke-On-Trent proudly boasts more speed cameras per square fnord than any other urban area in the world, including the farms on which they are grown. This gives rise to a monotonous whining sound from people caught breaking the law which is often hilariously mistaken for evidence of the presence of light industry. Of course unstatistically proven as of yet, Stoke also holds the most emos, pies and pigeons in the UK; however, there are no ways of monitoring such glories and therefore Stoke is deprived of another of its great wonders.
[edit] Trivia
It is also famous as the birthplace of the fat dancer from Take That, Robbie Williams, most famous for his reading of the humourous poem "Angels". Everybody that has ever lived in Stoke-On-Trent has some sort of link to Robbie because it is the only link that the rest of the world cannot argue. Footnote. Contrary to popular belief, the best thing to come from stoke is not Robbie Williams, it's the A50, M6, A34 should all be one way, out, save anyone making the mistake of ever going back.
[edit] Local Legend
Legend has it that somewhere in Stoke on Trent, in the underbelly of Eaton Park, lives a girl with a million pound dress.
Also, the legend of Sean Burton, who famously chokeslammed the mayor of Stoke for being too scrubby. Following this incident they made love, got married in a private ceremony and lived happily ever after.
[edit] The Great Diarrhoea Epidemic of '07
Tragedy hit the town when a great epidemic of diarrhoea and sickness hit, which not only affected humans, but dogs also. This involved much cleaning up and emotion heart break. It is also said to cause verbal diarrhoea.
[edit] Friendly Pubs in Stoke
There are no friendly pubs in stoke due to them all being over run with locals or chavs.
[edit] Schools in Stoke
Famously in early 2007 one school, Berry Hill High School, went on strike. Students ran out of their morning classes to protest over the lack of professional teachers.
Anyone with a brain figured out that the real reason they were there was because one person threw a strop and the others decided to use it as an excuse to skip lessons. Take note that in all the photo/ video footage of said protest, all protestors are chavs and their benefit fraud parents.
Other popular schools include:
St. Joseph's College: Famed for having the upper crusty Catholics of Stoke-on-Trent, whom all the other schools hate, even the other catholics.
Clough Hall High School: Famous for the Scottish Head Teacher -'Mr. Tosser', the uproar of laughter every time he says "focus" with an accent, and the fact that all the kids get served at the shop up the road.
Tossers more - second only to the Vatican along the lines of catholic propaganda and tyranny. Famous for its walls of catholic propaganda
Mitchell: Famed for it's lovely students and amazing friendship with Berry Hill.
Sandon High: Famed for it's friendly and happy staff.
Edensor Technology College: Famed for preparing schoolchildren for a life of scrounging. The most popular lesson is Cookery, in which many students learn to master Stoke's most important phrases, such as 'D'ya want fries wiv that?'
Birches Head High: Famous locally for its fantastic architecture and race riots.
Endon High: Famous for its druggie ponces, Bullying, Head teacher in denial, not paying up for drugs and riots.
Holden Lane: Famed for is sport centre and fighting with Endon High over paying up.
Further Education in Stoke: Consists of:
Description: Charmless. Location: Twixt Fenton and Joiners Square on Victoria Road. The veritable arse end of the city. Student Body: Posh little twats from Meir Heath, Trentham, Werrington, the Westlands and the flood free uplands of Penkhull. Offers: Extensive programme of A levels for those self loathing little twonks wishing to proceed to Uni (possibly Media studies at Reading or Animal Husbandry at Exeter) and who will spend the rest of their brittle, unctious, smarmy lives either teaching in the city or will move to North London (possibly Crouch End - "Little Hanley")to be found ten years hence in a cheap bistro in Muswell Hill viciously mocking the place to anyone arsed enough to listen. College Advertising slogan: "Come to Fenton Sixth Form and have the sun shine quite literally out of your arse".
Stoke on Trent College (Cauldon) Description:Maximum Security containment facility. It is possible to wander the corridors indefinitely. Students who completed their courses in 1983 can still be found weeping in the new library because, since they are no longer on the system they cannot officially be let out. Location: College Road, Shelton. A stones throw from Staffs Uni (go on, give it a try!). Student Body: (Male/white) the name Darren is COMPULSORY as is the word "F**k" in every sentence. Failure to comply will result in loss of Educational Maintenance Allowance and confiscation of hand weapons. (Male/Asian)It is mandatory for you to hang out in groups of NO LESS than eight making unforgivably sexist comments about female students/staff/cleaners/security officers and pretending not to be sexually attracted to each other. (Female/White)If you're not on your first pregnancy you're just NOT TRYING! (Female/Asian)You must have a laugh three times above the pain threshold. College advertising slogan: "Today Stoke college - tomorrow Basra".
Stoke on Trent College (Burslem) Description: Royston Vasey meets The Village Location: Windswept hillside on the remote, slightly inbred north side of the city. Student Body: 15%: attending the "Sixth Form Centre" to do A levels and pretend they're at Fenton, whereas their GCSE grades weren't actually good enough and so are already at the age of 17 mired in disappointment,confusion and self loathing. Destined for the teaching profession. 65%: Studying plumbing or car mechanics. Latest edition of "Nuts" shoved into arse crack beneath set of blue overalls already ingrained with sweat, engine oil, plaster and 10 generations of neanderthal racism. Knuckles usually badly scuffed or bleeding from regular contact with the ground due to loping, simian gait.Hangs around J block hoping to make contact with female performing arts students. Is under the impression that "Ey up - suck this" is the height of witty repartee. 15%: Doing art ,music, performing arts or media. Recognisable by excessive amounts of black eye shadow, high-pitched, hysterical, theatrical laugh, lurking in J Block Foyer tunelesssly twanging an unplugged Fender. Negligible attention to personal hygiene leading to strong, musky aroma not unlike a recently deceased badger. 4%:Seem to spend their time exclusively in the "Learning resource centre" (In English: "Library") looking intently at Internet websites of dubious academic worth without actually being on any course. 1% 43 year old bloke from Packmoor called Dave doing an evening class in life drawing in order to meet girls. College Advertising slogan: "Stoke College - Beacause they've got to go SOMEWHERE".
Newcastle Under Lyme College Description: Through the mysterious doorway at the base of the Gumdrop tree Location: Handy for the shops and a nice slice of carrot cake in that lovely little tea room. Student Body: Elves, pixies and all manner of magic fairyland folk, singing dancing and cavorting with glee at the thought that they don't have to go to college in Stoke. Every Friday afternoon, the Principal, Doctor Dumbledore waves his massive enchanted wand before the entire student body to gasps of astonishment. Previous alumni include: J.K Rowling, Tinky Winky and Slash from "Guns and Roses". College Advertising slogan: "Newcastle College .....aaah, bless!"
[edit] Places to Visit (why?)
Biddulph Best town in Stoke. INT IT DUCKY EGG!!! We Have Grange gardens-Knypersley Pool-Mow Cop castle.
Abbey Hulton - affectionately known as 'Scabby Abbey'
Bentilee - famous for its delightful abundance of 'social housing'
Blurton - known to many as 'the council estate' Home of the infamous 'Tron'
Chell Heath- is actually worse than 'Scabby Abbey'
Cobridge - The home of the first "Bomb in a Oatcake" terrorist attack.
Eaton Park - Home to some of the tallest people in England. Is also home of Carl and his big tool and is the retiring place of The Head from Art Attack.
Festival 'Fezzy' Park - Home of the technologically advanced odeon cinema and extras from 'The Fast and the Furious'
Longton - Home of some of the richest, nicest and funniest people in the nation.
Meir - The takeaway capital of Europe
Meir Park - We all know you posh twats are druggies...
Haley centre - home of the world famous march of the emos.
Tesco Extra
Trent Vale (aka Trent Vegas)
Tunstall - Poverty was discovered here in the 19th century and has thrived ever since.
Shelton - You'll get your head kicked in enter at own avail.
Unity House's Rubble Pile
Also daily excursions are run from 'Anley Bus Station to the 'Inbred Nations' known locally as 'Leek' and 'Cheadle'.
Fail Park, home to Port "Mickey Mouse Club" Fail
[edit] Culture
Stoke-on-Trent is renowned for its abundance of lap-dancing bars. It is rumoured that there are more lap-dancing bars per person in Stoke-on-Trent than anywhere else in the world.
A trip to Stoke is also not complete without a visit to the Regent Theatre which regularly shows third-rate musicals starring fading E-List celebrities.
Other examples of local culture include the International Festival of Gobbing held outside the Potteries shopping centre on alternate Saturdays. The current title holder for outstanding flobber of his generation is Craig Weeble of Fegg Hayes who managed a phenomenal 8oz greenie spread over a four and half foot area.
Visitors should also check out the Long-Running Exhibition of Shite Parking at Morrisons on Festival park in which up to 26 vehicles can be seen waiting for a 72 year old woman to reverse at 0.007 mph into a space big enough for a Chieftain Sodding Tank, before deciding that the wheels aren't straight and edging out again while a column of loathsome chavs in their lilac mondeos and trentham housewives in their vast ozone-depleting four wheelers call cheerful encouragement.
[edit] Love life in Stoke
Love is always sorted by the local love guru Daniel Hallam, Located in Blurton. Or why not take a trip to the church where you can make love to Jesus? Or orange juice!
[edit] Racism in Stoke
In 1992 DANIEL HALLAM Created The SNP (STOKE NATIONAL PARTY)He Lives In Blurton on Beconsfield Drive And Has An Urge To Walk Around Like He Is Hard!!!
WILDBEAR IS A TWAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
