“It's probably another drill.”
“Only Imperial Stormtroopers are that precise.”
Imperial Stormtroopers, or Stormtroopers for short, or just Troopers for even shorter, were the nominally feared enforcers of the Galactic Empire in a galaxy a significant time ago and unbelievably, really far away. Known for their complex, useful and distinctive white body armor, as well as their impeccable, deadly accuracy with a zappy stick, stormtroopers were typically the first troops in, the first troops to get blasted, and the first troops to be medevaced from the combat zone. All stormtroopers, despite their service rank designators, were named Mike and enjoyed air hockey, Tang, going to brunch, and Archie comics.
Little is known about the history of the stormtroopers, except they were cloned on the planet Kamino by the Kaminoans to serve as the Grand Army of the Republic. Wait, that's more than a little. In fact, there's more. Okay, I was completely wrong - a fair amount is known about stormtroopers.
In those olden days of the Republic, they were called Clone Troopers and everyone loved them, even the Jedi. Well, droids didn't like them, because clone troopers tended to blow droids up. It was more of a love-hate thing, really, but the droids always came back in the end after they ate a tub of ice cream and had a good cry.
But then the Republic became the Empire, and clone troopers became stormtroopers, even though they were still clones and had very little to do with the weather. I don't know, maybe "storm" sounded more fearsome than "clone." Maybe George Lucas was really trying to drive home the symbolic connection between the Galactic Empire and Nazi Germany. For Christ's sake, this is Uncyclopedia. Stormtroopers aren't even real. Go play Super Bombad Racing or something, fanboy.
At some point in time the Nazis shamelessly stole all of the Stormtroopers' philosophies and genocidal tendencies. Scientists describe this as being "a pretty dick move."
Stormtroopers in Battle
Stormtroopers fought in thousands of battles across the Clone Wars and the Galactic Civil War, and their presence in battle was nothing if not distinctive. Former Rebel Alliance soldier Kyn Griggs, noted one such commonplace instance:
"You'd know it was them immediately. You'd be on guard duty, shooting the shit about where in town to find the best prostitutes, whatever, and then there'd be this muffled clinking. You could barely hear it, but you knew what it was. Then there'd be this seething, shiny white mass in the distance, and suddenly the air would be thick with blaster bolts. They wouldn't hit anyone, of course, but it was pretty scary the first one or two times. You'd radio base, we'd start our retreat, and you'd just sort of take cover every now and then. Some guys would get hit, accidentally, I think, and then it was off to hyperspace for our next supposedly secret base. You know, I think if we actually stood and fought those guys, we might have won."
Another veteran said, "I really think the stormtroopers were made to look scarier than they really were", this veteran was quickly identified as Captain Obvious, and was later shot.
Stormtroopers, since they were completely and utterly loyal to the Empire for paychecks and Tang, were typically lead by the lowest-ranking graduates of the Imperial Officer Academy. As Moff Merkin famously scoffed,
"How competent an officer do you have to be to say, 'Hey, there are the Rebels, go get 'em?' I mean, really. Those knuckleheads could have been led by a piece of paper. Same color scheme, even."
There is precious little explanation how stormtroopers were adept at shooting the crap out of droids during the Clone Wars but woefully inept at shooting organic targets during the Galactic Civil War. Experts agree that the droids were not as adorable as a rogue smuggler, donut-haired princess, and fresh-faced farmboy, though adorability generally has little bearing on one's "shootability." Recently medical research points to the problem possibly stemming from a rare disorder called Stormtrooper syndrome. Certain theorists claim that because of this effect, the more stormtroopers, and more "good guys" there are, the less they can hit. Jedi are veritable death sentences.
Stormtroopers wear distinctive white armor which serves as awesome protection from anything except the most common weapons available to rebels, the laser...shooty...gun-thing (wait, is it really called the "blaster rifle"? Yeah, I think it's definitely it), and anyone that can throw a punch, or think they can. Its main purpose is for ceremonial stormtrooper headbutting rituals. Victory in these traditional battles raises your status in the tribe and gets all the chicks. The armour, despite being designed by the galaxies top weapons manufacturers, had several fatal weaknesses: pointy sticks, rocks and people who recognise the sad sad futility in plastic armour.
Stormtroopers in American Society
In current American society, stormtroopers serve a far different role than they did in that galaxy a great big distance away in another, distant time. Instead of being feared jackbooted thugs, stormtroopers are outlets for hopeless sci-fi losers to grasp at the respect that has so far eluded them during the course of their normal lives, and to help add that authentic "fictional" flavor to Star Wars-themed events and product releases.
There are even rumors that real, grown-up adults who probably have never served in an actual military unit "serve" in various mock units made entirely of mock stormtroopers. Theories abound as to whether these men and women in white have any plans to battle Trekkies or assault Renaissance Festivals in force.
Various storied units of stormtroopers served the Galactic Empire. Here are but a few:
- 501st Legion - Nicknamed "Vader's Fist," the 501st participated in countless battles as Darth Vader's personal legion. However, the unit was forced to roll up its colors after the Battle of Endor, where the Ewoks unleashed a can of whip-ass and smacked the 501st troopers crying back home to daddy Vader and grandpa Emperor. Those that survived the carnage of sticks and stones enforced by teddy bears were choked to death by a rather disappointed Vader. It is said that Vader was so embarrassed at the failure of his so called "elite" 501st troopers to the point that he decided to remove his mask and die rather then have any association with the wimpy 501st. Retired members are still hiding in shame amongst the galaxy, and can sometimes be spotted attending charity events to raise money for themselves in order to purchase new plastic armour and buckets to hide themselves from the public. Retired members really appreciate a slap on the bucket as it makes them feel special.
- 103rd Legion - The 103rd served admirably against the Rebellion but was completely wiped out by a tribe of small, fuzzy muppet-bears during the battle of Endor. The unit was re-activated outside the Cave of Caerbannog after the fall of the Empire and promptly slaughtered by a small, white rabbit with great pointy teeth and claws.
- 76th Legion - The mysterious 76th Legion occupied the planet of Onderon for two decades after the fall of the Empire before the population realized the 76th was made entirely of stormtrooper suits stuffed with straw.
- Oh Crap Legion - The Oh Crap Legion were sent into every battle in which the Emperor stood even a slight chance of victory but a win would be very bad for the plot. Their weapons were torches covered with red cellophane (or is that cellophlane? Dammit! I can never remember!) and their armour was crafted carefully from sewer water, hence the name.
- 69th legion-the only stormtrooper squadron out there with aim. but not the gun kind.
- 420th legion-Theysa totally stationed with the Gungans where they love to smoke Ganja, mon! (Also theysa killed Jar-Jar binks).
Was totally killed off when Han Solo took the last available female. Actully they had Guns but no blasters, ya know, Fun Guns.
- 41st elite legion-famous for being the legion that created the snowtrooper armor and used it on Tatooine. The desert.
- 19th amphibious assault divisionfamous for using frog cannons to bombard enemy emplacements before landing troopers wearing armor made of hardened frog poo.
- 9th airborne division-famous for being a specialized legion to jump out of gunships, intending to land safely in enemy territory, only to forget their parachutes. The whole legion died at Felucia.
- 12th armoured legion-the only legion to be commanded by a non Jango Fett clone, namely an Onderonian called Lume pee Buub. They relieved the 501st on Felucia and then raped and killed their female Jedi general.
- 212th Attack Battalion-The legion that aided Obi-Wan-Kenobi on Utapau
- 7th medical battalion-Surgeons and doctors famous for setting up field hospitals in the middle of the battlefield. All killed in their first action.
- 29th armoured division-Heavy assault division used at the defence of kamino and the attack on yavin 4
- 394th heavy guards battalion-defended coruscant against the separatists
- 6th aerospace battlion-a division of clones all specially trained to pilot any vehicle and be the best in space ship to ship combat. Easily raped by droids on the ground.
- 3rd fodder battalion-famous for their suicide death charges usually overwhelm enemy hard points in 2 minutes with maximum casualties. Largest battalion in the GAR and the stromtrooper corps.(100,000 clones at start of clone wars. 76,000 clones and 32,000 non clones after invasion of Kamino)
- 9th heavy butt assault battalion-best used against organic hostiles because droids dont have butts. Their armor was specialized to inject lethal amounts of AIDS inducing viruses into victims. Most feared legion in the GAR by the Neimoidians with their slimy butt holes.
- 06th battalion-The battalion best known for getting no action.
- 3rd Light infantry battalion-They got to wear the lightest, crappiest and most unprotective armor in the GAR. They were the easiest to rape and the most incompetent. Special clones were assigned to the division.
- 12th Woodland scout division-The battalion famous for being trained exclusively in woodland and rural combat as well as guerrilla tactics and survival in the wilderness. The whole was sent to Endor but all died of drinking dirt water and forgetting their training. Their traps were in turn used by the same ewoks that killed the 501st.
- Medivac legion since the stormtroopers have such crappy armor and weapons, this legion are the most used to get the troopers to run back to papa vader safe.
Over there, as you can see, a stormtrooper seems to be getting horny with himself.. He's probably spotted darth Vader
- 22nd "Catch" Legion Bunch of nasty jerks who used to work for Sirius Black Cybernetics. First to be up against the wall after the revolution. Their only weapons were vast amounts of paper work, and the deadly Logic gun that caused the victim to spend about ten seconds thinking about the title of the friken' book before moving on. Come on the Late Clone Commander Heller, you can do better than that!
- 49th1/2 wheelchair battalion- These are stormtroopers who managed to survive suicide missions and have survived wounds that have either temporarily or confined them to a heavily armed wheelchair. Their second chance at fighting in battle is usually their last chance to prove to Lord Vader their devotion to the Galactic Empire or he will just throw them out of their wheelchairs and laugh. Traitors to this battalion include: the dutch wheelchair basketball team and steven hawkings (who originally joined the battalion after accidentally ingesting some kryptonite).
- 666th Legion - Composed entirely of clones.... (of Jar-Jar Binks).
The Republic Commandos were made of specialized clones given different genetic structures and more advanced training then the regular clone troopers. They also had hormones increasing sex drive and penis length injected into their birthing vats. They were also used to quell all female riots. (get it? "quell". Heh heh...never mind.) After the rise of the Empire, it's believed that they became the deadly Storm Commandos, who would have struck fear into the hearts of the Rebellion if they had shown up more than a couple of times.
- Delta Squad
- Omega Squad
- Doggy-Style Squad
- Rape Squad
- Triton Squad
- Alpha Squad
- Boob-job squad
- Aiwha Squad
- The Mod-Squad
1 year before the end of the clone wars, a company of clones went mad and went rogue. Running away from the republic and the GAR. They called themselves the Poon Tang Klan and were responsible for the raping of entire populations on planets.
- Daydream Believers
- Obi-Wan Kenobi
- Han Solo
- Princess Leia
- Darth Vader
- Darth Maul
- Boba Fett