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The old decaying sign of Stowupland
Motto: "Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus vntosissimis exponebantur ad necem"
State England
Official language(s) Suffolkian, English English
Established 666 AD
Currency Goat's Teeth, British pound
Opening hours 11:00 - 15:27

So, you want to learn about our village? you might be mistaken and looking for fuck off

“Have you ever read Dante's 'Inferno'?”

~ Oscar Wilde when asked to describe his stay in Stowupland

This article will only deal with the very essence of village of Stowupland. The sinister practices and rituals that the inhabitants of this strange place engage in will be explained in further detail in the article Stowupland Aborigines, who are related to Stowmartians. There is just not enough room in this article.

Stowupland Today?[edit]

Stowupland is a small village residing to the north-east of Stowmarket by about 1½ miles, in Suffolk (located in the fourth dimension), Ingerland and is still officially at war with the Holy Roman Empire. Stowupland has a vast array of amenities;

  • Primary and High School:
  • The Reatreat:
  • The Crown:
  • Garden Railway:
  • Post Office:
  • Chip Shop:
  • Garage:
  • Rape:
  • Mechanic:
  • Butchers:
  • Grocers:
  • Chinese Restaurant:
  • Sacred Big Hole In The Ground With Water In It:
  • Allotments:
  • Church:
  • Village Green:
  • Village Hall:
  • Bus Stop:
The quant village of Stowupland, with basic labelling. Image couresy of Googlemaps

There used to be a fire station and a police station in the village, but local authorities closed them in the hope that the mutant inhabitants might eradicate each other by fire or the sword, or a fiery sword. The inhabitants of Stowupland are said to be ‘a bit rapey’. They also immensely enjoy the Garden Railway.

Approximately half of the properties in the village are owned by the Ministry of Defence, who occasionally post Army or Royal Air Force Regiment troops there. Many are of the conviction that this is for convenience, given the close proximity of Royal Air Force and Army bases in the area. However, the real intention was for surveillance and to suppress the local population, as Zombieism is a constant threat in this part of Suffolk. Around 1.67% of the population of Stowupland are believed to be undead.

There is a Sacred Big Hole In The Ground With Water In It. It is very much like a large duck pond (minus ducks, as it is too toxic) with a few connecting ditches and is used by Stowupland folk for a number of purposes, such as washing, urination, and for the females of the species it is where they spawn their eggs, however this will be explained in further detail in the article entitled Stowupland Aborigines. High School Students throw their unwanted rubbish and litter into the water, and some of the local residents clean it up. Supply and demand. This also angers the Water God that lives there.


The fragile economy of Stowupland is ever dependent on Stowupland High School (and rape). The population of the village quintuples during the school term, and the village is swarmed with ‘outsiders’ and ‘them forr’n bahstds frorm uthu vearllidges’. Locals capitalise on the arrival of these migratory animals (see students) and have a worked up a symbiotic relationship with studentkind.

The school also supports the local food and beverage industry by taking advantage of the underage drinking scheme. Conveniently, Stowupland’s two pubs are located at either side of the school, with students drinking in the Retreat (the only place that will knowingly serve pupils whilst they are still in their school uniform) and the Teaching staff are driven to drink in the Crown

The garage also makes vast profits from students who look ‘almost old enough’ to buy cigarettes, who would then in turn sell said cigarrets to their younger looking peers.


“Two worlds there are to this hallowed ground, and ne’er the twain shall meet”

~ Kofi Annan, former Secretary-General of the United Nations, on the ethno-political climate of Stowupland during the 1980s

There are two halves to the village of Stowupland, The Heights and The Valleys. ‘Twixt the Heights and the Valleys lays a green, and on that green lays a road, and on the road lays a toad. Given the fact that Suffolk is completely flat one can begin to appreciate that a creative imagination and/or a very loose grip on reality have become the standard coping mechanisms of this particular region.

The polarisation of Stowupland was thought to have been imposed via Royal Edict. Local historians believe this form of social segregation derived out of necessity, as no one wanted to live too close to the pikeys from the Valleys. Time Team’s excavation of Stowupland showed that the road (simply known as 'The Road') that divides the two segments of the community started life on August 12th 809AD as a dyke, built by the Heights Massive in a bid to prevent raiding parties from the Valleys. This major earthwork was the sight of many ancient battles. Some say, to this very day, that you can still see the ghosts of Vauxhall Novas playing loud garage music racing up and down what is now a road, where the old dyke used to be.

Suffolk draws upon a rich tradition of rape. Through the ages all inhabitants of East Anglia have resorted to rape as a form of leisure, as well as social control and in few other places is this more prevalent. Local rapist tradition holds that after the first Norfolk-Suffolk war of 1403 the residents of Stowupland, for the first time in roughly 600 years felt unified, and a ceasefire was called. This resulted in 17 days of peace, which was shattered when the Heights decided to rape the entire of The Valleys as practical joke. However, there hasn’t been fighting between the two sides for a generation, and some fathom that we will see a time when all those who lived through the wars will be dead, ending over a millennia of turmoil between these two diametrically opposed peoples.

Stowupland Tomorrow?[edit]

Some hold that there is no future in Stowupland, and it is actually the past that is it's future, as time appears to be working backwards in this region.