Straight
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“I'm reasonably straight”
~ Pat Sharp on being straight"
“What's that?”
~ Elton John on his knowledge of heterosexuality
“When I was very little, I always wanted to be like that ... ha, silly, childish thoughts!”
~ Oscar Wilde on childhood dreams
“Just because I'm thin and neat and fashionable doesn't mean I'm not straight. Nice ass by the way”
~ Ryan Seacrest on rumors
Straight is what you're not, queer. It is also a Euclidean concept which assumes a minimum distance between two points "A" And "B." The concept is inherently flawed, however, since the distance between any two points is filled with an infinity of points, each equidistant from either end point. This is proven by the fact that motion is impossible.
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[edit] Things you may get called by gay people
- You're such a heterosexual!
- Straight bastard!
- Pussy pumper!
- Skirt lifter!
- Vagina troubler!
[edit] Etymology
Reputedly (I wouldn't know... But you do <insert name here>!!!), the male anus is slightly bent. This means that gays have to be slightly bent in order to get satisfaction. However, the woman's vagina is flexible enough to allow a penis to go straight up it. Not that you would have realised, mate. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you idiotic streak of bacterial piss.
[edit] Guide to being straight
- Fuck people of the opposite sex and like it.
- Fuck people of the same sex and hate it.
- Don't be bent (and if anyone ever asks if you're not straight, deny it vigorously)
- Make sure you tell people repeatedly that you are straight otherwise they will think you're not
- If you are a woman act all girlie, and get excited about accessories
- If you are a man use grunts as your main method of communication
[edit] Guide to not being straight
- Fuck people of the opposite sex and hate it.
- Fuck people of the same sex and like it.
- Be bent (and if anyone ever asks if you're straight, deny it vigorously)
- Make sure you tell people repeatedly that you are gay otherwise they will think you are anyway
- If you are a woman, use grunts as your main method of communication
- If you are a man act all girlie, and get excited about accessories
[edit] See Also
- Person of non-homosexual persuasion
- Rick Steves
- Tom Cruise
- John Travolta
- Going from A to B without popping somewhere diversionary on the way like the pub at C.
Straight also refers to the heterosexual population (which is diminishing due to the lack of communication and thinking skills among the heterosexual males.) "Straights" are often seen trying to prove how "straight" they are. (This goes back to ancient Greek times where men ran around a stadium nude) Heteroxuals feel the need to prove themselves on a daily basis because they are well aware that they are a dying species. An easy alternative would be for the them to let go of insecurities and learn how to communicate properly, however, this may take a few centuries of evolution.
Prove you are Heterosexual
- When you hug another dude, tap the back three times
- 1...2...3
- Yes, good. This clearly indicates 'I'm.Not.Gay'
Have you ever thought; if you're trying so hard to show the world you are straight, you are indeed trying to cover up the fact you are gay? Just stop hiding it. :-)
Infact, many straight people are, in fact, gay people masquerading as heterosexuals. This has been known to cause confusion, anger, pain, destroyed families and occasionally chemical warfare. The most famous gay people masquerading as heterosexuals are Dick Cheney, Billy Mays, and Kevin Jonas.
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Despite a recent Inter-Galactic Communist Gallup Poll report that 99.999999% of the entire Universe's population is straight, straight men are sometimes victimized by gay people because of their lack of fashion sense and inability to dance.
