Strand Street

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Strand Street is a barren wasteland where Manx people go to smoke and stare at each other. It is lined with shops that are quite good elsewhere in the UK but which are filled with shit on Strand Street due to a ruling in Tynwald. If you don't like that then move somewhere else, you whining come-over. Get over yourself, you "muther"!

The celebrated dandy and wit, Beau Brummell, was once heard to remark on Strand Street that "it's true: Strand Street really is full of shit!" and this remark, translated into Manx as "Quonquncre Jeceris Stabit" is written on 10 pence pieces by the Manx Government for a laugh, to take the piss out of shoppers. They're like that in Tynwald: sarky bastards.

Visitors to Strand Street should observe the strict dress code of skintight tracky bottoms, curb chain and fleece jacket. Failure to do so could result in you becoming a member of the "who does s/he think s/he is" club and being chased off the island in shame.

A local Manxwoman spending a pleasant Saturday afternoon on Strand Street

Suitably attired, we at the Isle of Woman Tourist board encourage you to visit Strand Street and participate in its many fun activities. These include:

  • standing in the centre of the street blowing smoke at passing pedestrians so that they can experience the refreshing high of nicotine without having to buy fags themselves. Bless you: you're all heart.
  • working up an appetite for your drive-in McDonalds by riding the escalator at the Strand Shopping Centre: the tiniest shopping centre in the world. Up on the escalator, down on the see-through lift - phew!

BONUS FUN TIME FOR DAREDEVILS: try and run up the "down" escalator and vice-versa, without being shouted at by the lackluster and pointless security guards.

  • queueing up for the Next sale at 5am the day after Boxing Day, even though Next clothing was last fashionable in 1983. It's tradition innit!
  • See if you can spot councillor David Christian; he's da boss of da town and made it what it is today. Also a well-known local faggot.
  • Why not point and laugh at the "scene" kids who stand in the metal section in HMV
  • Watch the street performers who stand outside Marks and spencer
  • Observe local individuals munch on their family feast buckets through KFC's windows
  • Try and spot 'Northerners' - these inbred people are more suited to the barren wastelands of the north. A classic example is welly-wearing women with long bushy ear hair lost in Safeway's car park
  • If your a fan of musical instruments, why not go to peter norris music? where you can look at the overpriced and really expensive guitars and have the snobby people follow you around. Fun Fun Fun! But remember kids, if you-a touch-a da guitars, they-a smash-a your face.
  • Attempt to fish assorted lost footballs out of the promenade fountain.
  • Go into Tower House, race your friend to the top floor - elevator vs. stairs and back down again.
  • You can get quality stationery goods from WTF SMITH
  • How about going all the way to the NSC? Swim the wrong way in the tiny whirlpool or even fight for the spongey play toys against some five year olds in the huge yet shallow pool?You could even run across the running track and over the bridge to McDonalds, where you can put back on all the weight you lost.
  • Visit Keig's, the Isle of Man's only liscenced Apple computer retailer. But remember, most things in there should not be touched, and are heavily alarmed.
  • If you are under five or just a short, squeaky teenager, you can get clothes from adams kids.
  • and many more
  • Have a snack in 'Costa' and be shouted at by the fat little man that owns the place. CUNT.
  • if you enjoy coffee go to java, where you can die
  • Enjoy "YOOF CAFÉ" the hip-hoppinest trendy kidz place to be, set up by the friendly youth taskforce for all you fourteen-and-funky teenagers. It's a fun fun fun place to be, with cool trendy vibes all over dude. BECUASE THAT'S WHAT YOU CHILDREN WANT ISN'T IT, ANOTHER F**KING CAFÉ! ANOTHER CAFÉ? COME ON! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU KIDS F**KING WANT?!
  • Go to the world famous Taste of Willaston (also known as "To Go") and enjoy a pasty with a whole carrot in it.
  • Go play in Summerland, a great fun place to be. Oh wait, it's been knocked down...
  • Go shop in the world biggest Woolworths (and also the biggest shop in that fucking street. Oh wait, its closed down and empty
  • Eat some pens and pencils at Arcadia Stationery, officially the world's biggest stationery store.
  • Get some quality head and molar injuries down at the DOUGIE TEMP ICE RINK, possibly the world's most-overpriced and smallest, oversatffed rink. Ever.

After all that excitement don't forget to grab a bite to eat in the main attraction Jeffrey Suen's Jade Harbour. BEST CHINESE EVER!