Strong Bad
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“I sent strongbad an e-mail once. I never got a reply. ”
~ Hitler on the reason for the Holocaust
“The greatest musical mind since T-Pain”
“Stwongbayd!”
~ Homestar on Strongbad
Strong Bad (Born October 31, 1915) a.k.a 'The Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Strong Bad is one of the most notable and prolific singer/songwriters, interprative dancers and astrophysicists of the modern age. He is well known for his perpetually burnt face, the boxing gloves he never takes off and his flagrant disregard for moral standards with his consistent use of the word "crap" in his work. His music encompasses a wide range of genres - everything from digi-folk to classical thrash. Though his early work is among some of the most well-known and critically acclaimed work of all time, he has rejected his early career as "total crap". His most popular and critically acclaimed work - an epic 22 minute song about a person named Sibby (aptly named Song About Sibby) - spent 57 weeks at the top of the billboard charts. Song about Sibby famously outsold the second best selling record of 1989, Bible: The Audio Book, by a ratio of 2 to 1 but was knocked off the #1 spot by Vanilla Ice's masterpiece - Ice Ice Baby. He now lives a solitary and secluded life as a cranky old Jewish man in the south of Florida. He spends most of his time sending cruel and demeaning e-mails to his former fans on his severely dated computer. He has publicly stated that in his old age he only writes for himself or, occasionally, "the ladies".
Contents |
[edit] Biography
[edit] The Early Years
Strong Bad was born in Parts Unknown, USA into a family of travelling circus freak. His mother was a bearded lady and sword swallower while his father was a contortionist and fire eater, making his conception a unique sight to behold. Just after he was born his oldest brother, Strongmad, stuck his baby brother in a microwave in a fit of steroid induced jealousy and rage. This microwaving incident left Strongbad's face horribly disfigured and perpetually burnt. It is a little known fact that this event is also the first instance of the use of the word "fhwqgads" - it is reported that Strongbad screamed the word as he was being blasted with the horrible, horrible microwaves. His brother was incarcerated for five years because of the incident, but the two later reunited and even sung a hip-hop duet togehter entitled "I Stuck My Brother In a Microwave Leaving Him Horribly Disfigured for the Rest of His Life and Causing Him to Scream Fhwqgads". Somehow this song won a grammy for Best Rock Album.
His mother died suddenly when he was just five years old, (she choked on her own beard during a performance), leading the young Strongbad to turn to music to soothe his sorrow. Strongbad also became interested in video games around this time and had to make a tough career choice early in life - whether to become a pro gamer or making a living from his music. The decision was basically made for him, however, when his crappy first generation Playstation 2 broke down suddenly. He also felt that gaming did not help him in his pursuit of "the ladies".
To further his musical aspirations Strongbad moved away from his circus freak family when he was just 15. He studied under Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch School for Music and Pedophilia. He stated in interviews during the early part of his career that he could relate to Jackson and his style because "his face was just as deformed as mine was". He later supported Michael Jackson when Jackson was taken to court on paedophilia charges. He later withdrew his support, however, admist allegations that he too enjoyed the company of children and was just trying to have the childhood he'd never been able to have. The first song Strongbad ever wrote - a hardcore metal/bubblegum pop song entitled "Touched Me Twice" - is reputed to be about his experiences with Michael Jackson; the song appeared on his indie label debut album - I'll Give You Candy - which had a limited release of 500 copies and was only released on wax cylinders.
[edit] Current Life
While masturbating in his basement one day (how he does this with boxing gloves on I don't know), Strong Bad discovered a totally new sound "the slap slap slap". Going into business for himself and promoting his own records, Strong Bad fast became a rising star in the underground music scene. However this took a turn for the worse when the Red Hot Chili Peppers stole his style of music - Strong Bad remained philosophical "I play music with myself for my own enjoyment", and devoted himself to developing a new musical style, one which has yet to surface, maybe you should write him an email about it.
At one point in time, Strong Bad's career as a musician wasn't paying the bills. He relied on touching a children's book to help him through this troubled time.
Strong Bad is also a big time stalker. Recently, he has become obsessed with Pokemon's Dawn. Dawn has E-Mailed him many times to stop. Strong Bad then prints the e-mail out and gets to "first base" with them.
Strong Bad announced in a recent e-mail that he is in a relationship with Coach Z and that they have actually been dating for nigh' on 10,000 years. When asked in a later e-mail how the relationship was going Strong Bad replied "CRAP!". It is now rumoured that their relationship has been DELTETED! Strong Bad was later seen canoodling with This Guy on a beach in Afghanistan.
[edit] The Artist
While he started out as a caricature artist on the streets of Zaire in the 1980s, Strong Bad found his true calling in dragons. Pushed on by his mentors Billy Zane and Damien Hirst Strong Bad developed a style of paraplegic Dragon Drawing, which Donald Trump incorporated into his boardroom.
Strongbad has moved on to new areas, such as painting sheep green - though he has publicly lamented the intervention of his friend Damien Hirst, who frequently eats the sheep.
[edit] Family Life
Strong Bad is currently married with a spouse and 2 daughters whom will remain anonymous.
[edit] Competition
Strong Bad has a huge competition out there. Primarily, a certain ninja likes to answer emails that have anything to do with ninjas, so he pretty much steals Strong Bad's opportunity to be a ninja. Some weirdo named Maybe Bob is attempting to steal his business as well, but there is no hope there, since Strong Bad has mastered the art of typing with boxing gloves and creating DOS programs that check email, two things Maybe Bob will never accomplish.
[edit] Selected Discography
(in no particular order)
- "Everybody To the Limit" - written by Strong Bad, with Strong Bad, for Strong Bad - a controversial move which was revealed in the press, causing Strong Bad to distance himself from himself. The LP concerned his girlfriend at the time, Fhqwhgads (although it is claimed that he was also dating Ali and Ali's Sister, for which he was attacked by a mob for being a paedo).
- "The System Is Down" - a lackluster attempt at covering a well-known techno song. This song was banned from several stations due to 9/11 and a court incident with System of a Down. It also has a devouted cult following.
- "Pop-Up Book Of My Dreams" - Strong Bad's latest album; it has received much good publicity from Strongbadia's music critics.
- "Trogdor" - written in the familiar style of Dr Dre and Vivaldi, the song was lauded for its tale of life as a Dragon - a theme critics saw as a logical continuation from his art.
- "Wamp Wamp (What It Do Remix)Clipse featuring Strong Bad" - Strongbad's first rap song was not a huge hit but made it to 47 on the charts. Unnoficial national anthem in Gayland and Japan.
- "StrongBadia National Anthem" with no particular exciting thing.
- "Song About eibbiS" - Strong Bad's "worst" song ever. EVER MADE. - Strong Bad made it to number 1.01953125 on the Worst 100 Songs of All Time, plus, it was on the radio for no reason, whatsoever.
[edit] Quotes
"He's a douce!" Giggity.
"HE ATE MY WEINER!!!"
"Somebody get this freakin' duck away from me!"
"No. I mean, no. I mean, no."
"Number one on Strong Bad's bottom 10 is: Th......cleaning your own puke off the keyboard."
"Knockin' on heaven's door- [falls through clouds] HOLY CRAAAAAAP!"
"It's my crappier and crappiest computers!"
"Oh, yeah. I'd rather die!"
"Stiney! Get me a Danish!"
"Keep knockin' on heaven's door... Holy crap!....."
"And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHTTTTT!!!!"
"And coming in at number 91 it's... EEEMMMMAAAAAAAAAAILLL!!!!"
"Not only do I like the cut of your jib, I likes the sound of your town. Murfreesboro."
"when email comes to town you know you know it's like a rainstorm in your browser"
"You people and your demands. Look, I'm not here to fulfill your every freakin' whim, alright? Make a song about me. Send Trogdor over to my house. Put on a purple thing and dance around! Well I've had it!"
"I FREAKIN' HATE EIBBIS!"
"Crap!"
"Holy crap!"
"Shut up, lady!"
"Deleted!"
OH...hohohoho... [devilish laugh]"
"Do you guys take Pizz points?"
"We're takin' this baby to da moooooooon!"
"I'm Carmen freakin' Miranda!"
"I'm Carmen freakin' Electra!"
"I'm Carmen freakin' San Diego!"
"I'm Carmen freakin'... Oh wait. I'm Ozone."
"When email comes to town you know you know it's like a rainstorm in your browser, when email comes to town I know I know its like a netscape hurricane"
" And I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever write a song about Sibbie."
[edit] Neighbors
[edit] Senor Cardgage
Senor Cardgage is allegedly the creepy man who lived down the street from Strong Bad and his brothers when they were little, although Police reports confirm that this was an alias used by Strong Bad at the time. For this crime - specifically branded a hate crime under the "laws against degrading paedos" act (2000), Strong Bad was thrown in jail, where he inbred with himself to produce hideous offspring Naruto, Naruto, and George Clooney. He has also been known to eat chocolate bars loudly while standing too close to you in a queue.
[edit] Sbemails
Strong Bad has answered many SBemails in his time. Back a long time ago when SB still had his Tandy 400, he answered an email known as "Sisters". His Tandy was jacking up, and he accidentally deleted an email a girl Ali sent him about her and her sister. Another very insulting SBemail popped up. He tried to delete it but the Tandy saved it, forever. Recently during December 2006, police investigated a report of sexual abuse. SB was charged with sexual assault on a minor and put in jail. That is one reason there haven't been very many Sbemails in the past 5 months.
[edit] Favorite Things to Do
Delete your emails. As all cool people do, Strong Bad aims to leave his job, wife and kids and play World of Warcraft until his benefits dry up and he is forced to live like a normal person again. His ability to a splode baddies may come in useful.
[edit] Asplode?!?
Often Strong Bad is credited for creating asplode, when in fact it was created one day deep in the internets in order to create lulz, soon migrating into movies and other shit like that.
"Your head a splode" is the term coined by Strong Bad in episode 34 of Teletubbies: Galatic Assasins.
Subject: RE: THIS UNCYCLOPEDIA ARTICLE!
DELETED!
