Lady Subaru

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“I would like to ride her, like the new Subaru Outback! Check out her rear storage and six cup holders, know what I'm sayin'? Can I get a high five here? Woop!”
~ Perverted Subaru salesman on Lady Subaru
“We really must ponder the question of whether the light bulb or the monkeys exist, and what plane of existence they are and the concept of reality, as well as the quagmire which is time and space before we can safely answer that question.”
~ Lady Subaru on How many monkeys it takes to screw in a lightbulb
“Hey, if you spell Subaru backwards it says "U R A BUS"”
~ Captain Obvious on Cars
“Hee hee. Her complex theories of existence and reality turn me on!”
~ Some random fanboy on Lady Subaru
“Ok, I'm in a coma and she's putting me to sleep. That's just sad.”
~ Tsukasa on Lady Subaru

Contents

[edit] Background

Shown here is the climax of Lady Subaru's boat trip, where she steps OFF the boat.

Lady Subaru is an extremely boring character in the series .hack//SIGN, which is a television show about a world where people play a video game which is about a world where people do stuff one would stereotypically expect to be done in a video game. Of course, Lady Subaru is a character devoted to explaining this concept thoroughy in a monotonous voice. Aside from this duty, she also has to complain about people doing things she does not appreciate, such as having your soul trapped because of being in a coma, and then brooding over this for at least 5 more episodes, pondering whether she should have complained about them or not. All the while, as she explains this, she is accompanied by Japanese people trying to sing opera, to make it sound more important, with lyrics which, to a normal person's understanding sound like Sweet, hilighted night, full of silver smells and garbage. Sweet, blowing wind full of lots of pills and valleys. This tactic did not work of course, only further putting viewers to sleep. In fact, though she has wings, a large battle axe and an army of highly-skilled knights with really cool helmets, the most exciting scene in the series involving her consists of her stepping on a small boat on a river and speaking of the immorallity of knock knock jokes.

[edit] Early Life

Lady Subaru's flatulence has been ranked a Level 5 on the US Hurricane Scale

Lady Subaru was born as the firstborn goat of Colonel Sanders and a 1982 Subaru Outback. After Sanders drove off in his car soon after, Subaru was left to fend to herself. She wandered off, and after grazing on the grass of a local pasture, decided to barge into the home of a nearby farmer, using polite pleas, of course, instead of her handy battle axe. Inside, she became mesmerized by The Weather Channel and decided her life's work should be to lead a band of warriors who would speak of complex concepts instead of fighting, in a video game. How exactly she brought these knights and herself into the videogame world is unknown, but scientists speculate it involved a funnel, two rubber bands, a computer's USB port and an ounce of crack cocaine. Each year, she would leave the inside of her computer in order to go to prom, but after her severe flatulence problem ripping her dress to shreds, and being left completely naked (and quite smelly) in the middle of the gym floor, in front of her peers, she abandonded this contact with real life altogether.

[edit] Later Life

Aside from her extremely boring reign as Queen of Fairytopia and her control of her Crimson Knights, Lady Subaru was briefly a bassist for the popular band Green Day. While the emo audience appreciated her dull personallity, they believed she wasn't white enough and so her career there soon ended. Soon afterwards, she died of blood loss after trying to shave her legs with her trusty battle axe. Almost no one cared, and The Crimson Knights continued onward to open a successful lemonade stand in downtown Montreal.

[edit] Fan Base

Someone really needs a cookie... and some anti-depressent pills.

Surprisingly, Lady Subaru has developed a rather large fan base, which consists of Bob Dole, two stoners in Northwest Wisconsin and some girl with insomnia that loves to spend her spare time knitting Lady Subaru costumes out of her underarm hair and making Jiffy Pop over a cigarette lighter because she doesn't have any friends.The four have started a fan club, which has commemorated her great deeds by making a popsicle stick statue of her (at a height of 150 feet).

[edit] See Also

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