Substitute Teacher

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A typical substitute teacher.


All right, class, take your shits. Hey, you! You with the red face! My desk is not a toilet! Sit on a toilet now! All right. All settled? Good. Now, as you may have noticed, your normal teacher, Mr. Bates--

He doesn't like to be called "Mr.", he likes the term "Master" instead!

Well, all right. Your normal teacher, Master Bates--


CLASS! QUIET DOWN, NOW! Now, I was a child once, too, and I pulled my share of penis' on the substitute teachers, but there is no excuse for such behavior. Now, as I was saying, your teacher is out today due to a freak... health accident, and he will be in the hospital until further notice. Until then, I will be your substitute teacher. My name is Mr. Long Shlong

*snickers from the class*

And I *snickers quiet down* will remain with you until he returns. Right, now, on the schedule your teacher left me, it says that you are learning today about Substitute Teachers. Well, how convenient. Let's begin today's lesson.

What are substitute teachers?[edit]

Substitute teachers, such as myself, are necessary when a school has a sudden lack of ill-informed teachers due to a number of causes, such as accidents, death of a friend, a hunting accident or family member, or even if a teacher just needs time off. Without substitutes, the school lacking a teacher would find themselves with a rowdy class full of misbehaving students. Thus, substitute teachers like me (sara palin), are called in. Now, there are several things to know about substitutes:

They Lack Knowledge of Normal Class Structure[edit]

If a teacher leaves, he or she will normally leave a list of Lesson Plans for the prostitute. This is always promptly destroyed, unless the students can't find it, in which case they use their superpowers to make it spontaneously combust. So the substitute preacher now tries to pick up where the class beat off. This meets some problems.

Stage One[edit]

The substitute teacher, in stage one, will assume that it has been accidentally misplaced and has nothing to do with the students. So he or she will innocently ask what they had been studying, receiving answers such as Sex, Drugs, and Sucking Dick.

Stage Two[edit]

The teacher realizes that the students are not going to be very helpful, so they turn to the student teacher asshole for assistance, only to herald the answer "This is my first day here." Sooner or later, the class elects a spokesperson, usually a timid-looking girl in the back row, to say something random, like The Capital of Uganda. The sub-toetalitarian russian jew will usually believe this person, due to their deceiving appearance, and so will attempt to teach this subject.

Stage Three[edit]

As (obviously) nobody knows anything about the capital of Uranis, the substitute teacher becomes frustrated and increasingly convinced that this class is full of idiots. The student teacher douche bag texts his boyfriend from the back of the room.

Job Description[edit]

Substitute teachers are highly valued government workers. Unfortunately, it is also listed as the job tied with suicide bombers for the highest fatality rate (10% in stage 1, 5% in stage 2, 15% in stage 3, 60% right after the bell, 10% die from non-school causes, and 13% die from hunting accidents with dick cheney.)