Sudden Instant Death Syndrome
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Sudden Instant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is when someone dies for no apparent reason, quite suddenly and without any prior warning.
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[edit] Explanation of SIDS
Many scientists and doctors have tried to explain SIDS. Countless years of research have gotten them no further to the truth, but they still continue to search for it. Leading scientist Albert Einstein made it clear that he thought these efforts were futile when he said in 2005, "God is the only one who knows the truth, and God is the only one who will ever know the truth! Quit wasting your fucking money!" He later retracted this statement when God admitted that He didn't know either. He then suggested "Maybe you should ask Buddha."
Despite the fact that nobody knows anything, people often guess. Here are some of the more notable guesses:
- Many people have suggested that SIDS was invented by Oprah Winfrey in an attempt to rid the world of humans. This is generally regarded as a myth, as Oprah is famous for slow and torturous murder rather than quick and painless.
- Some say that every time a kitten masturbates, God kills a human. This has led to Pandas for the Ethical Treatment of Humans to plead to kittens to "please think of the humans."
- Linus Torvalds has theorized that SIDS is a bug in the source code of the universe. Bill Gates disagreed, stating that SIDS was a feature in the source code of the universe.
- In a poll asking "What causes SIDS?", 94% of the world population responded, "Who cares, as long as it's damn funny?"
- Many people think of Real Life™ as a bunch of geeks sitting around playing D&D with a sadistic DM.
- Similar to (but entirely different from) SEHS.
- Humphrey Bogart might be involved, as sightings of him are sometimes associated with SIDS.
- Recent reports that Humphrey Bogart had killed SIDS have now been proven false however he is the only known survivor and test have shown SIDS only made him stronger.
- Some symptoms of SIDS include: getting colds in winter, laughing at your own jokes and being a weirdo.
[edit] Notable sufferers
- Nick Fellingham (a musical genius and sex guru): 20th century poet. Was one of the first known cases in England, many still believe his head was crushed by a brick.
- Jimon Mcalister: Renowned owner of the Brixton Rifle Club, was rumored to have died during a speech. However, there are no witnesses to this event, as the audience was in fact blind...and deaf.
- Neil Bannerman: Suffered from the condition twice, once in 1998, and the next in 2457, when he was resurrected during the second coming of Humphrey Bogart.
- Clayton Turner: Known for his remarkable intelligence and mind boggling strength, had just finished building a device to travel through time, sadly SIDS got him before he could spread his news. It's a little known fact that he could also impregnate a woman just by making eye contact with her.
- Zac and Jordan: Suffered severe SIDS while training all their lives, a tragic way to end such a epic legacy.
- Everyone: Everybody at some point, quite suddenly and quite instantly, dies.
[edit] History
Sudden Instant Death Syndrome was originally known as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome in 63 billion BC. Back then, SIDS killed everyone before they reached the age of three. Thus, they named the phenomenon after their infancy. Once someone reached five and then was killed by SIDS, it was renamed to reflect that it could kill anyone, anywhere, and at anytime.
In 1927, SIDS mysteriously ceased to kill anyone who was not an infant. For this year, SIDS was once again named after the youngest members of society. The widespread death of babies and survival of everyone else is one of the main factors of 1927 being considered the best year ever, sometimes called the "Baby boom" year.
[edit] Quotus obligotarius
“I prefer to think of it as a 'surprise afterlife'.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sudden Instant Death Syndrome
