Sugar gliders

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Sugar gliders exist throughout the world and are always good pets, except for the fact that they require almost three hours a day of care, that is if you get two of them, and their diet needs to be carefully watched or they will die…… Once with someone they bond very closely to their owner and will spontaneously combust at any given moment. As of yet there is no knowledge as to why they do this, but some people believe that it is to extract the extraneous axons from the brain of its owner's body and then to transport them to a safer place where they will reside waiting for the correct planetary alignment so that the fourth worm hole of the seventh galaxy in the P.L.O.R.G. dimension will finally be able to travel through the third black hole near the star Dimudon, thus allowing the axons to enter the E.M.P.L.A.K.C dimension of the third parallel universe where the Garg resides, which in turn will trigger the debacle of all matter known to exist. At least that would happen in theory. Aint theory grand?


Sugar Gliders breed much like humans, except that they have five genetalia instead of one or two and it takes them just 0.00000000001 seconds to mate. They are also different from humans in that, after breeding, it only takes five seconds for the fetus to fully mature and exit the womb(s). Once the baby has exited, the mother devours it, vomits it back out, burns it, smokes the ashes, and then she mates again. This process is repeated as many times as desired.


Sugar Gliders are about the size of the palm of your hand in micrometers times two, plus 576, minus 8796, divide by seventy two, put to the negative twenty second power, then take that size, cube it, and convert it to miles. That is how big a sugar glider is estimated (a very rough estimate) to be.


Sugar gliders need a diet of about 70% protein and 57% calcium to live. If they have any more or less protein or calcium, they will implode, a slightly spectacular sight, if i do say so myself. As sugar gliders are both omnivores, are at the top of the food chain, and eat both plants and meat, they may eat whatever they wish. Human is one of their most prized delicasies, as they are now close to extinction. In the picture below, you can clearly see a sugar glider getting ready to devour a human. It is known that they tend to enjoy a few baby brains now and then.



Sugar Gliders reside in whichever habitat they desire, as their skin flaps may act as both wings and fins, and they can slither with amazing speed.

As they are at the top of the food chain, they need not worry about threats from predators, and therefore are neither diurnal or nocturnal (ignore the moon in the picture), thus they sleep when they wish.


The claws of a sugar glider can easily rip the flesh from a fresh, ripe banana, or a human, if need be. They have two claws for each of their ten two-fifths of a paw. At the tip of each claw is a scent gland, which will release pheremones to instantly attract the opposite sex, if the sugar glider happens to feel particularlly horny.

Sugar gliders are born blind, and thus have developed a unique way of seeking food. They shoot star wars®-like lasers from their eyes and when they hear something scream, they go in the general direction of the sound. As the lasers paralyze on contact, they have no trouble finding their food in time.

The most enjoyable toy sugar gliders have found are humans; because they have the greatest range of intelligence: from "no need to measure you're IQ" to "no comment", instead of the typical smart to genius found in 96.2% of all other animals. The reactions they can produce in humans also have the greatest range of any mammal, because they have no concept of common courtesy.

Sugar gliders have, are, and always will rule the universe and all its inhabitants FOREVER, no matter what we do to prevent it. This is because in they have found the "book of eternal fate" and rewritten it, so we will just have to come to terms with that fact of life, unless we find the book of fate. Now where did i put that thing……

See also[edit]

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