Suicidal Tendencies

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“All I wanted was a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, just one Pepsi!”

~ Mike Muir on his mom
A recent photo of Suicidal Tendencies frontman Mike Muir

Disclaimer: Being suicidal can result in a number of things things, the foremost being, when you finally achieve your goal of killing yourself, you travel to a place that is neither Hell, nor Heaven. Contrary to poular belief, you go to the wonderous land of Satan's Vagina. This particular vagina is a land of "ouchies". If you become horny while in Satan's Vag, and try to rape Satan, he takes your phallus and puts it into a penis grinder. The grinder is made of the freckles of ginger kids, which WILL grind down not only your penis, but your Father's-Cousin's-StepDaughter's-Mother-in-law's-father's-Grandchildren's penis(es), if in fact he(they) is(are) a man(men). Females may consider themselves lucky, as the vagina grinder is still in production and will not be operational until December 21st, 2012.

Suicidal Tendencies. Wow, sounds pretty emo doesn't it? Well it's not! Suicidal Tendencies, when not used to describe a person's inclination towards suicidal acts (see also emo), Suicidal Tendencies is also the name of a band. Suicidal Tendencies is not an emo band, so don't get too excited, emo fags.

If you are emo, that was your cue to leave, so get out before we castrate you (unless you've already been castrated, in which case, we'll just straight up murder you).

Anyway, Suicidal Tendencies was started in the year 666 by Mike "Fat Ass Wigga" Muir in Venice, Italy. The original lineup of Suicidal, you know, the one that did "Institutionalized" and "We Built This City" and all that stuff, consisted of Muir and a couple of illegal Mexicans. This lineup of Suicidal lasted until 2007 when George W. Bush said he would deport all the Mexicans not only in America, but in Italy too, because "I hate dem' spicks, cause daddy and Dick told me too". It sucked, I mean seriously, all they wanted was a Pepsi! Just one Pepsi!

However, it was not long before Muir established the new lineup of Suicidal Tendencies:

Somewhere down the line they changed from a waltz to a punk band to a Tr00 metal band, which is awesome cause "omGz PuNk iz GeIGh fo0Sheezee". Perhaps the highlight of this era was their revolutionary 1990 album Lights...Camera...Sex Tape!; a concept album based on the Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson porno. The album's hit single "$end Me Your $Moni" (which, despite what anyone might have already told you, is not really about televangelists) gave a highly detailed description of why Pam and Tommy released the video, and later won a Grammy Award in 1964. The single after all was playing in the background, urging Pam through her ordeal.

However, this lineup came to a tragic end in 1776 when R.J. Herrera was caught in a house fire that burned his little penis off. Due to a clause in the Suicidal contract that says all members of the band must be endowed and practicing males, Herrera was forced to leave the band. He/She later married Muir, and they now have 5 children together. This marriage caused Oscar Wilde to quit his job as the band manager, citing that his alleged homosexual relationship with Muir ended once he began dating and eventually married the now female Herrera (although Muir denies ever having a relationship (sexual or mental) of any kind with Herr Wilde). Wilde was finally found at West Point taking a top gun class in combat arts and crafts.

Lead guitarist Rocky George's little known solo effort.

Now with Adrian Ramirez of Megadeth on drums, Suicidal continued throughout the 90's and released some of their most musically diverse albums yet, such as the Latin music of Art of Rebellion and the homosexual boy band stylings of Suicidal For Life. These albums were even more critically acclaimed than the others. Somewhere down the line Robert Trujillo also joined 'Extreme Elimination Challenge Thrash Metal Super Group for supporting communism and worshipping Satan as well as extensively masturbating', and Mike Muir somehow managed to gain 90000000000 more pounds without exploding, and the other guys pretty much just disappeared and nobody's heard from then since then...oh yeah! There was that feud with I Think Satan Likes Your Mom where George W. Bush got to use all the members of S.T. and make them members of, I must have skipped a lot... remote problem dude...

Unfortunately, in the late 1990's, Mike Muir chose his Jedi apprentice in Fred Durst. Durst was originally supposed to replace Muir in the "Fat bigAss Wigga Metal" order, but Durst nee Lovejock instead turned to the Dark Side and became a POSER!. Muir is now involved in the task of helping Durst's long-lost son Antonio Banderes in learning the ways of the Force, and becoming a good Jedi and defeating his father.

As for the other Suicidal guys, they all got run over by a car and died. Okay, that's it!


  • Eponymous self-titled debut 666
  • Join The Party 1592
  • How Will I Piss Tommorrow When I Can't Even Be Thrashy Today 1709
  • Controlled By The Force/Feel Like Jello...Deja Vu 1679
  • Lights...Camera...Sex Tape! 1843
  • The Art Of Ejaculation 1941
  • Still Horny After All These ears 2006
  • Suicidal Till' Death 2112
  • Free Your Girlfriend We Can Get In The Shower
  • A Couple Other Albums I Never Owned 4582
  • Cut My Wrists 'cause I Love You 2006

The emo kids can come back now, because I'm sure you were already castrated