Suicide
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Suicide (from Latin saosin meaning, "to laugh hard") is a hilarious comedy act often done by funny people in order to amuse others.
In reality, suicide is the last thing any human can do and strive for. So go jump in and CHOP-SUEY (go kill yourself now with a knife).
The moral quality of suicide is widely disputed, and usually people will accept the logical inconsistencies in their viewpoint with a shy giggle. For example, it is generally agreed upon, that the suicide of ugly, stupid and/or otherwise annoying fellow human beings makes more logical sense, and is sometimes saving the world from ugly people. So thanks ugly people, we're grateful! :D
Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:
- Depression
- Pessimism
- Fear
- Pissed
- Suicide
- Apathy
- Give a shit
- Emo
- Hamlet
- Torture
- Death
- Hell
- Quitting
- Internal audit
- Calculus
Suicide is also a virgin cocktail, made by pouring in a little bit of each available type of soft drink from a self-service dispenser: cola, root beer, orange, Hi-C,etc. The person making such a beverage is traditionally known as a soda jerk, despite the lack of any Jamaican spices or even semen (it being a virgin cocktail) in the traditional recipe.
According to recent studies, every teenager living in the United States has committed suicide once.
- To whomever wrote this article and all the fucks that enjoy reading it: i HOPE that the sick, waste of life whoever wrote the below statements go through EVERY single sentence that he/she wrote below, in his/her lifetime which then eventually leads to the ending of his/her pathetic, disgusting, cold hearted life. I wish the worst of the worst for you. People in this fucked up country called 'Land of the Free' shouldnt get away with writing shit like this that makes suicide victims lives sound like shit. Once again, my advice for the cunt who wrote this article: i PERSONALLY hope you die by YOUR own hand, please, if i knew who you were, id come MAKE you off yourself. Peace
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[edit] Consequences of Suicide
Suicide is an act that affects the entire community, and your way of telling God you can't fire me, I quit!. Gardeners downhill from the cemetery report bigger tomatoes - the Salvation Army gets nice new clothes out of your closet (unless you splattered them on your way out) - people in China and Ecuador have a chance to look at your Web site and laugh at your stupid moanings and groanings, and can feel reassured that they'd still be just as miserable as they are even if they made ten thousand dollars a year. Donut clerks take a breather when the cops who just cleaned up a ripe one are off their feed. The birds chirp cheerfully and perch happily on their branches waiting for the next maggot to surface. Ben Gibbard rapturously draws plans for building narrow staircases.
Contrary to public perceptions, suicide can kill, if done without the use of more than two weaponized objects (ie. don't rig a spartan laser to fire at you the moment you swallow a poisonous frog while hanging yourself by the neck). There have been numerous reports about suicide attempts that have ended in fatality. However, there are other cases When Suicide Goes Wrong, with truly tragic consequences.
- A man jumps from the San Francisco Bay bridge, expecting to end his life peacefully in the cool blue waters. Instead, he lands in the cargo hold of an industrial fishing vessel just returned from the Arctic, and is processed by the automated machinery into cans of tuna fish. The workers look the other way because they think he's just another dolphin. Thousands of dieters who think they're eating a 200 calorie snack are dosing themselves with 800 calories of plump American with every tin, and can't figure out why the heck they aren't losing weight!
- A woman tries to kill herself by gobbling a whole bottle of the psychiatric medicine that was supposed to keep her from committing suicide. (She'd have to be crazy to think it would work for killing herself...) As a result she becomes perfectly, absolutely sane, a beatific vision of humanity at its finest. She gets into her car and spends all her available cash on medical marijuana to take to suffering patients in states that haven't legalized it yet, but she passes through a toll booth on the way. She gets out and starts reasoning with the toll employee about how silly it is to make everyone stop and idle their engines producing dangerous fumes just so they can collect money to hire toll booth collectors. She ends up spending the rest of her life locked on her back by leather straps on a table in the Suicide Watch area of a federal prison, giving rides to every guy who can afford ten bucks for the guards.
[edit] Epideemeeiemeology
In the United States, males are four times better at suicide than females. Male suicide rates are higher than females in all age groups (the ratio varies from 3:1 to 10:1) ...boring! One possible explanation of this statistical phenomenon, supported by a study by Rich, Ricketts, Fowler, and Young, is that men are just violent and aggressive. Evel Kneival was born in Montana.
[edit] Modern Connotation
Suicide is now commonly known as a sub-culture, closely related to the music genre of Emo. Surveys indicate that most Mid-western yokels belong to this sub-culture. Hannah Montana is a great example of this!
[edit] Medical Treatment
Nowadays, Emo suicide is also an important medical treatment for depression. It is resolutive, and it also helps decrease the surplus emo population that has become a burden to the United States Youth Committee and has led to numerous outbursts in the gay community as well.
[edit] Suicide Videos
Suicide videos are collected regularly on NothingToxic, arguably the favorite website of Pedobears. Every quality suicide should be memorialized with a video or documentary posted to YouTube, but in practice this has proven a very difficult process to finish. The fuckers hardly ever post the things to the Internet after they suicide. The traditional format for a suicide video is for the victim to yammer some bunch of crap in Arabic that nobody understands for five or six minutes before he gets to the good part. But most people are too damn lazy to learn Arabic, much less memorize stuff out of the Koran, just in order to make a video look good when they're not even angling for a record contract. So perhaps it's no surprise that nobody has yet shown up at the Oscars to collect an award for their suicide video, but hope springs eternal.
[edit] Suicide Videos, examples of
Warning: Rated A for Awesome.
A cool way to commit suicide [2]
Ghost Rider [3]
[edit] Legal Status
Suicide is illegal in most countries. People have recently been arguing for the death penalty as the punishment for commiting suicide. Other crimes, however, have less severe penalities. In Arkansas, Colorado, North Virginia, and East and West Dakota suicide is a felony punishable up to five years of prison and/or a fine of $4.50. It is a major industry in countries like Switzerland, Euthanasia and Lithuania. The Swedish have come up with the most severe punishment for attempted suicide: treatment for depression. Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny pieces while in a crowded area.
[edit] Dignity
Let's face it, there is no dignified way to kill oneself. Some out there believe they don't want their family to go through the trauma seeing them dead. Let's review...
Hang Yourself = You look like a dumbass and the rope could break, making you a vegetable for life. Plus you crap yourself which makes you smell even worse.
Shoot Yourself = You get your blood and brain matter all over the wall, who do you think has to clean that up?
Overdosing = the Pills make you have a seizure and look like an Idiot. Your face is frozen to make you look like you were having an orgasm when you died! That's just wrong...
Raped By A Large Herbivore = The WORST WAY TO COMMIT SUICIDE, you get ass rammed by a ram and everyone laughs at you during, the cops won't help you cuz your getting fucked in the ass and they're laughing too hard. Eventually you get crushed to death or drown in the semen, this is also the Gayest way you can die.
[edit] Grounds for Suicide
- To whomever wrote this article and all the fucks that enjoy reading it: i HOPE that the sick, waste of life whoever wrote the below statements go through EVERY single sentence that he/she wrote below, in his/her lifetime which then eventually leads to the ending of his/her pathetic, disgusting, cold hearted life. I wish the worst of the worst for you. People in this fucked up country called 'Land of the Free' shouldnt get away with writing shit like this that makes suicide victims lives sound like shit. Once again, my advice for the cunt who wrote this article: i PERSONALLY hope you die by YOUR own hand, please, if i knew who you were, id come MAKE you off yourself. Peace
- You suck at life.
- IQ results were negative.
- You have AIDS... and could never stand to wait around for things.
- You got a chain letter on the Internet that says that the sender committed suicide and sent this message to five people... would be bad luck to break the chain!
- Always thought of kickass ways to die.
- Hey! The Israelis lifted the curfew for two hours today!
- You have herpes or herpes II: the return
- You are emo, and it is your sacred duty to commit suicide
- Family needs a space filler for the new garden.
- You couldn't get that woman to have sex with you.
- You did have sex with that woman.
- Some guy in England made a scented candle of the Holy Prophet Mummawoowoo (Whipped Cream Be Upon Him), so somebody has to blow himself up inside the local Arthur Treacher's Fish And Chips in protest. Might as well be you...
- Turns out that girl didn't really like you after all. 'Cause you're gay.
- Turns out you didn't really like that girl after all. 'Cause you're gay.
- You were looking up things on the Internet when you ran across a video on YouTube that said that anyone who watches this video will commit suicide in seven days.
- You're trying to impress Jodie Foster
- Because IB exams are around the corner and the way to true enlightenment is death.
- It's better this way.
- You got conned by the adeptus redshirtii
- You turned your girlfriend into a lesbian.
- You've read all the Twilight books
- Uncyclopedia got banned by international law
- You lost the game.
- You won the game.
- You've listened to the whole of Disintegration by The Cure
[edit] Suicide Methods
Suicide is one of the most popular forms of recreation in many Middle Eastern countries and as such the public predominately views suicide as the act of exploding oneself into tiny, pink pieces while in a crowded area. However this outlook is an over generalization and not representative of the plethora of methods that are available to the suicide recipient, including:
- Swallowing a live cat.
- Jumping off a building.
- Attempt to take rob a military base with a fake gun.
- Shooting thyself with a gun.
- Pulling the pin of thy Holy Hand Grenade and counting past 3
- Shooting thy bar-B-Q propane tank with a gun.
- Shooting at thy friendly neighborhood police officer with a gun loaded with rock salt.
- Sitting on a powerful drain in the deep end of a pool.
- Slitting one's wrist the RIGHT way. (which involves a cordless electric carving knife and your ex-wife's Thanksgiving dinner party)
- Rollerblading on power lines.
- Drinking a bleach/vodka cocktail.
- Play the Andrew W.K. drinking game
- Actually attempting a flying fuck through a rolling donut over the Grand Canyon.
- Hanging self.
- Drowning oneself in a washing machine.
- Flying a hang glider into the oncoming jet engine of an aircraft in final approach, causing thousands of fatalities as it loses control and veers into the line of parked aircraft at the terminal.
- Singing rousing Orangemen hymns in the pub on St. Paddy's Day.
- Swimming in the beautiful blue lagoon at the power plant where they keep the depleted fuel rods.
- Peeing on the third rail for your YouTube Mythbusters knockoff.
- Mixing up the labels on the turpentine and moonshine.
- Excessive head/brick interaction
- Snorting the mysterious white powder you found in a big bag in the janitor's closet that you and your buddies at school think must be drugs.
- Picking up skank hookers on the South Side of Chicago
- Excessive Kitten Huffing.
- Tieing your neck to a tree with a really long rope then getting in your car and just fucking drive.
- Putting two pencils in your nose and smash them on the desk in front of you, like the kid off the Frosties advert.
- Chewing electrical cords.
- Throwing the pin at the enemy...
- Annoying a rattlesnake or cobra.
- Eat yourself.
- Locking yourself in a commercial clothes dryer, the bigger the hotter.
- Fuck all the above and do it the American way. Shoot all your classmates and then yourself.
- The above person who wrote that should commit suicide for saying that. Preferably by shooting himself and then all his classmates.
- Starve yourself in a supermarket
- Find a Grue...
- Play Counter Strike
- Buy a Macintosh
- Get an axe and chop on a tree until it about to fall then get under the tree as it falls.
- Watch Barney.
- Calling The Terminator's mum fat
- Going to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edaJP3Lp0Gg
- Trying to win the game.
- Wasting your life on unclopedia when every good artical you add gets huffed.
- Eating every pill in your medicine cabinet,washing them down with a quart of gin,followed by a nice nap in the bath tub.
[edit] Memorable last words
“It's little stuffy in here, I think I'll go outside for some fresh air.”
“Is that a gun you're holding, Courtney?”
“I drank what?”
~ Craig Evans
“Stay away, this thing will hurt someone.”
“This rope is of an inferior quality, this trap door has a squeaky hinge, the executioner's hood is the wrong shade of black, and the man with the camera that is filming this is a moron.”
“The odds of a man like George W. Bush getting elected to the office of President two times in a row is next to impossible. To prove it, I will play Russian Roulette with one bullet in the chamber and put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger and survive.”
“Pull the pin and count to what?”
~ Who Gives a Damn
“What does this button do?”
~ Who Gives a Damn no.2
[edit] See also
- Pesticide
- Death row
- HowTo:Commit Suicide
- HowTo:Turn Your Life Around
- Flight
- Self-inflicted Zombification
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