Sunbury, Ohio

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Sunbury, Ohio is a dern small town in tha middle of dern central Ohio with a population of 500-3,000,000,000,000 people which changes daily because teenagers never took the class in sex ed: "Your mouth doesn't get pregnant". It was originally named Sun(berry), but the increasing number of hill folk misspelled the name as Sun(bury). The motto of the town is "We don't got no grocery store, so you need to go to Centerburg-y." Sunbury is also known for its antique shops. It currently has at least 20, all on the "square." The "square" is actually more of a rectangle, but don't tell the citizens or they WILL get mad. Sunburians or, los sunburnios, if you speak spanish, (YOU'LL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO WUT WITH ALL THEM MEXICANS WHAT COME UP IN HERE AND TOOK ALL THEM JOBS) are elderly and migrate to southern places, like Florida, or Cuba. The people who go to Cuba hardly ever come back for some reason. Their houses are then raided by the local gangs who pretend they are from the "hood", but aren't really. They call themselves the spades, they throw up gang signs that look like vaginas, we might as well call them the pussys.

Town[edit]

There is also a historical inn on the "square", (THAT'S WHAT WE CALL IN THE COMEDY BUSINESS A CALLBACK) but it has been vacant since the infamous fire, which destroyed half of the town, and also completely missed all 20 antique shops. Hmmmm... The fire also missed the town hall for purposes only God knows. In the past it has been a court house, town hall, library, and a bar. It was recently renovated, complete with a custom built "cooper copula," as mentioned in the local newspaper(it was supposed to be copper cupola). The "cooper copula" was built by the local "pride of Sunbury" or the high school marching band. The top of the "copula" features some kind of creature which was bent ever since it was placed on the roof. It took three years for people to figure out anything was wrong.

Economy[edit]

Don't drink the water.

The economy of Sunbury is primarily based on farming and antiques. Most people in Sunbury are unknowingly related to each other and own at least three farms. If you have lived in the town for more than one generation, you are related to the mayor. The antique industry employs a workforce of 200 people all dedicated to preserving Sunbury's past.

Points of Interest[edit]

The main tourist attraction in Sunbury is all of the antique shops. At least 10 signs proudly exclaim the number of antique shops in the town. The second point of interest is the largest rock in Delaware County, just outside Sunbury. Also, there is the Sunbury Zoo, run by a local antique shop and farm owner, houses many animals like chipmunks and llamas, who continually escape and wreak havoc upon the town.

Edjumakaytion[edit]

All 200 students of Big Walnut High School are all a class called "Agricultural Science." It is affectionately known as the FFA, or take this class for people in the family business. The school is home of the Division III 2007 state champs. I believe the reason they won is to be on the team, you have to maintain a GPA of 0.25. Half of the kids wander the halls aimlessly all day, and hang out with random teachers.

Mottos[edit]

  • "We don't have no grocery store, so you need to go to Centerburg."
  • "In farming we trust."
  • "Don't forget the mayor, John Deere."
  • "Antiques make a great St.Patrick's Day gift."
  • "Don't feed the kids, they bite."
  • "Don't drink the water."
  • "The best town to break down in, we have seven auto parts stores."
  • "Yellow license plates mean DUI."
  • "Foooooooooooooooooooootbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall."
  • "At least we're better than Franklin Heights!"