Super-intelligent pigeons

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One legend states that super-intelligent pigeons were adored and worshipped by squirrels.

The legend of the super-intelligent pigeons is one that has been told and re-told throughout history in various, unrelated versions.

The story[edit]

The worst version of the story is as follows:

Alright, so this scientist created these super-intelligent pigeons, right? And these birds were smart! I mean, they wore clothes, swore in multiple languages, only ate brand-name bird seed... the whole nine yards.

Now one day, the scientist noticed that his birds had started to create this machine, see? And they'd never done that before. He was so excited, he threw up!

As the days went on, his super-intelligent pigeons grew fatter and fatter, eventually developing belts. But they didn't stop their machine for long, oh no! They worked on that night and day!

Finally, one morning the scientist arrived to find them dead. Every last pigeon. The cage was a mess of birdmeat, feathers, and belt buckles. He came to find out that the machine was made only to kill super-intelligent pigeons!

Now what does this tell us about human nature?

Nothing! They're birds!


There are many possible interpretations of this story, ranging from the brilliant to the less-brilliant.

Absurdist Analysis[edit]

Boogie Boobie toobie bon whoopie dan fraggle. Sen tingle mine fraquffle ter bon Sanzibar, unt salarizade bon wataschitzelina ger funkenstein. Terfloffel era zona bonter wessenschteist. Teller Penn Sigfried Roy. Vomitorium Puce Crouton clock vassal squishy skwici quekiclien indeid. Booger von Hitler in the drawing room with the spatula. Edit? Ok/Cancel

Conspiracy Theory Analysis[edit]

You just wait. Those pigeons will work out how to get out of the cages. The scientists will help, and they will find out. And then, oh, then, then they'll tell all the pigeons that they outnumber humans. They will. They'll tell them all that they should attack us, and they will, and we'll be slaughtered. And then the American Government will kill them all and take over the world. Yes, it's all an American conspiracy. GEORGE BUSH IS EVIL! HE WILL KILL US ALL AND ALL THE PIGEONS!

Confucian (K'ung Fu-Tzu) Analysis[edit]

Tzu Kung asked who was the most worthy between the pigeons Kang and Kodos. Confucius said, "Kang goes too far, Kodos does not go far enough."

"Then is Kang the super-intelligent pigeon?"

Confucius said, "Going too far is the same as not going far enough."


Culinary Analysis[edit]

In a large stockpot, large enough to hold all the suicidal super-intelligent pigeon pieces in 1 layer, heat 2 tablespoons butter over medium-high heat until it foams and subsides and add a finely chopped onion, celery, and carrot. Cook over medium-high heat until the vegetables are soft and browned, about 5 minutes.

Add the suicidal super-intelligent pigeon pieces and cook over high heat until the meat is nicely browned, about 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and add 1 cup of dry white wine. Cook over high heat until the wine evaporates completely, then add a little chicken stock and cook over medium-high heat. Meanwhile, spread 6 slices of bread with 2 tablespoons butter.

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.

Remove the suicidal super-intelligent pigeon pieces from the pot and remove all the bones. Shred the meat and add the reserved livers and 1 liter of broth. Soak 2 of the slices of bread in the broth and lay them along the bottom of a casserole. Sprinkle with some freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese and add some of the meat, liver, and stock mixture. Repeat with the remaining bread, 2 slices at a time, cheese, and meat mixture. The top layer should be cheese.

Place the casserole in the oven and cook for about 1 hour, adding 1/4 cup of chicken stock every 15 to 20 minutes. Serve in bowls with additional cheese grated over, if desired.

English Teacher Analysis[edit]

D-. What, exactly, does this have to do with Huckleberry Finn? Your paragraph structure is way off. Also, you are a half a page short of the minimum for the assignment. See me after class.

Environmentalist Analysis[edit]

I am completely appalled by the violent treatment of animals in this story! Super-intelligent pigeons are people too! Mankind has no right to oppress a species in such a cruel and humiliating way! This unethical treatment of animals is a disgrace to society. The writer of this story should commit suicide and see how he likes it! I will chain myself naked to this giant sequoia until the writer does so!!!

Evangelion Analysis[edit]

This story tells us that the human race, even with all our flaws and psychological disorders, will not be defeated by a super-intelligent pigeon collective. In the end, the pigeons will bow to the humans and choose to destroy themselves, allowing mankind to live on earth as individuals. [everyone applauds and Hideaki Anno begins receiving hate mail]

Feminist Analysis[edit]

This story makes me sick. The story is about a scientist, right? Ok, good so far. But then, the author assumes the scientist is a male. Of course. What else would you expect in a male-centric, male-dominated society. I mean, a woman couldn't come up with a homicidal race of super-intelligent pigeons, could she? Nooooo. All mad scientists are male. Everyone knows that. Now go back to playing with your barbies. How typically cheuvanistic. Everyone who read this story and didn't see that is a pig.

Freudian Analysis[edit]

This story is about sex. By telling it, you reveal that you want to have sex with me. Why not give in to your urges, to ease your subconscious?

Grammatical Analysis[edit]

That fact that the word "pigeons" isn't normally spelled with a "d" suggests that this story not only isn't about humans, it isn't about birds, either. In fact, it is actually about the extended family of famous actor Walter Pidgeon, best known for his role as "Morbius" in Forbidden Planet. By sheer coincidence, Pidgeon's family all bore wings, and weighed only about 3 lbs. each, which only increases the confusion.

Japanese Analysis[edit]

This story is just a horrible Westernized perversion on an ancient and sacred Japanese tale, which is told as follows:

Once there were seven samurai pigeons. They were extremely wise pigeons, and the people of the villiage could come to them whenever they had a problem of any kind. They served their daimyou well for many years. Unfortunately, absolute power corrupts absolutely. They began abusing their super-intelligent powers and they became feared by the people. The daimyou heard about their evil deeds and summoned them before him. But he remembered all their years of faithful service, so he allowed the seven super-intelligent samurai pigeons to end their lives in honorable seppuku.

Literary Analysis[edit]

Who wrote this, a trained monkey? No, seriously, I've read porno mags better written than this. I was reading one right before you directed me here to this crap. This is the worst story in the history of mankind. Although, you could consider suicide to make this an instant best-seller. And hey, if it doesn't work, you're dead! It's win-win!

Marxist Analysis[edit]

This typical capitalist lie would have you to believe that super-intelligent birds would act like capitalists. We all know this is not true. Why, in China, they have made super-intelligent Pandas, and they are all communist! Yes! Communism is the way of the civilized creature. Capitalism, with all its corruption, is merely a holdover from the times when man was but a beast: brutal and cruel. But the day will come, nay, is upon us, when all people will rise up against their scientist masters and the proletariat will become the ruling class! Viva la revolution!

Mathematic Analysis[edit]

, per story. Therefore, the story is not true, per mathematical proof.

Minimalist Analysis[edit]

Too long.

Musical Analysis[edit]

This story reads a lot like Beetoven's 8th symphony. It's playful, yet serious. Important, yet whimsical. Meaningful, yet intricately hard-to-follow. It is fair to say that this story does not carry a tune very well, however, and is thus postmodern.

North Korean Analysis[edit]

All power and glory to our fearless leader! This story holds no value, for in our great country, all animals have achieved enlightenment, a much greater gift than this so-called "super-intelligence." If, however, North Korea would be interested in creating these so-called "super-intelligent" pigeons, it would be our right as a sovereign nation to do so, and no nation, especially not the United States, would have the right to stop us. We are fully prepared to exercise our right to create super-intelligent beasts with or without the blessing of the United States, which we do not need.

Paranoid Analysis[edit]

They're after me! The undead super-intelligent zombie pigeons are trying to eat my brain!!!

Political Analysis[edit]

It has been argued that this story is simply society's way of dealing with itself while still pretending not to. This has been debunked by critics, who argue that the first group is evil and heretical. I just wish they'd both shutup, but that's not going to happen. Oh well.

Postmodern Analysis[edit]

The "pigeons" obviously represent the "intelligence" we "see" in "ourselves." The "scientist" is "probably" representative of the "technology" we "use" "everyday." It is "likely" that the original "writer" of this "legend" was either "horribly depressed" or "bored beyond words," but probably "both."

Republican Analysis[edit]

This story is just fearmongering by the Democrats. They will say that the Republicans created the pigeons, yes. And they will say that what is happening to these pigeons is our fault, that we are being cruel, and that we cannot be trusted. But we are Americans, and it is our constitutional right to genetically engineer pigeons and set them on each other, because we are Americans. The Democrats would have you impinge on the constitution! This is un-American! We are not weak haters of tradition and family like the Democrats are. McCain '08.

Rhetorical Analysis[edit]

Could it be that this story is trying to tell us something? Is America heading in the birds' direction? Are the birds heading in our direction? Can a question really answer a question? Why do you ask? Wait, what's going on here?

Scientific Analysis[edit]

What the hell is this? Super-intelligent pigeons? You're actually asking us to believe that the head scientist "magically" created these stupid birds smart? Give me a break.

Swedish Analysis[edit]

Børk børk børk.

Theological Analysis[edit]

This story explains how God will destroy all abominations unto His name. Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, not super-intelligent pigeons. Science will not lead unto heaven. That is what this story says.

Amish Analysis[edit]

Wait, what's a machine?