Ultimate Jesus

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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Ultimate Jesus. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

Ultimate Jesus is just that. Not to be confused with Ultra Jesus, who is a robot. Also, not to be confused with YTMND.

Creation[edit]

Ultimate Jesus came about shortly after The Justice League of Jesus. When it became apparent that Regular Jesus was kind of a pussy, God decided that a tough, kick-ass Jesus was needed. Thus God enlisted the help of some scientists to splice the genes of Jesus with those of Chuck Norris and Kratos to create a Jesus so tough and so kick-ass he eats people. (Please, do not ask why god would need scientists to cross-fuse people's genes, though it's suspected God was simply too busy either not existing or contradicting himself to do it.)

How ultimate is he?[edit]

Ultimate Jesus died for your sins... NOT!

Extremely ultimate. His sheer ultimateness cannot be measured on any man-made scale, and those who have tried met a gruesome end. The gruesome end is what? It is Ultimate Jesus showing you his mother-in-law. After so challenged, Ultimate Jesus watched the entire series of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and shortly after was heard to say "Oh, I get it," though he has never revealed the secret. Chuck Norris once tried to round house kick Ultimate Jesus. It was the only time Chuck Norris cried.

Powers[edit]

Ultimate Jesus can snap the lower jaw off a T Rex with one hand and snap the lower jaw off King Kong with the other

Ultimate Jesus was trained by Chuck Norris, Stalin, and Bruce Lee to be a one-man army.

Ultimate Jesus is one of the few who can fully control Perfect Mega Jesus.

Also, Ultimate Jesus can survive a roundhouse kick to the head from Chuck Norris, can kill a ninja from 60 paces, cannot be pitied by Mr. T, and can run a mile in under four seconds.

Ultimate Jesus can kick people with his fist.

All your base are belong to him.

Ultimate Jesus has the power to give SQUAIDS to anyone who has sex before they are married.

Ultimate Jesus' Power Level is indeed over 9000.

Ultimate Jesus can catch a speeding bullet... with YOUR face.

Ultimate Jesus can spit Alien and then have Alien spit acid for him. (He usually has about four Aliens in his mouth at a time... just in case. It is worth noting, this does not have any effect on his speech. Ultimate Jesus has Ultimate Diction)

Ultimate Jesus can somehow fuck your sins. When asked how your sins were in bed, he replied "Ehh."

Ultimate Jesus has the power to read and speak any language... even internet lingo and txtng jargon lol.

Ultimate Jesus can believe it's not butter.

Ultimate Jesus does know that Fiona and I do it in my van every Sunday.

Ultimate Jesus is bigger than The Beatles.

Ultimate Jesus can swim at half the speed of light. Fortunately for Michael Phelps, Ultimate Jesus doesn't like to swim (he'd rather walk).

Ultimate Jesus can walk on water, as well as swim on air and fly on ground.

Ultimate Jesus is the patron saint of Chuck Norris, badassery, and Roundhouse kicking you in the face.

Apple gives Ultimate Jesus $2.99 for downloading a song (they give Chuck Norris $0.99).

Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Ultimate Jesus in the face. It was the only time Chuck Norris ever cried.

Ultimate Jesus has the ability to summon "Ulitmate Cheesus," this has never been witnessed by human eyes and subsequently is disbelieved by the vast majority of Priests and Drainage Maintenance and Management personnel.

Ultimate Jesus has a g.s.o.h, enjoys long walks on the beech and hopes to one day run for the psotion of Cardiff county councillor.

Ultimate Jesus has 360 degree vision, he can also see in negative degrees as well as foundation degrees in art foundation, foundation.

Ultimate Jesus jizzed on a truck. Optimus Prime.

Weaknesses[edit]

Ultimate Jesus has no weakness. Period.

Stuff He hates[edit]

Original Jesus and Jebus, Super Jebus,Pirate Ninja Jesus, and Star Wars the Phantom Menace.

Ego[edit]

It is widely believed that Ultimate Jesus has the largest ego in the known universe. For some reason, being one of the most powerful beings of all time has given him a swelled head. On numerous occasions he has been heard to say “I’m bigger than Jesus”, which he is by at least 4 inches.

Exploits[edit]

Ultimate Jesus has been given many missions by Chuck Norris, including:

  • Beating Mike Tyson in Punchout
  • fighting Godzilla.
  • fighting Muhammad Ali.
  • fighting Teenage Mutant Ninja Jesus
  • Fighting, Beating and Pitying Mr T
  • buying milk.
  • fighting the berger force five (it was a tie since he was outnumbered)
  • destroying the planet of the Apes in the future, just in case.
  • Accompanying Frodo, disguised as Gandalf, to find out if he and Sam really are, you know, "that way".
  • Is the only person to roundhouse kick chuck norris in the face.
  • Prolonged all the wars of the world for sheer amusement, (for he was bored and was lacking in string for entertainment).

He also travelled back in time with Chuck Norris to stop the JFK assassination. This was the second time Chuck had attempted to save Kennedy, after causing his head to explode out of amazement the first time. Unfortunately, this time ultimate jesus used his beard to stop the bullets (as chuck norris had previously done) and a tendril of the beard went right through JFK's head, causing it to A splode.

Ultimate Form[edit]

Ultimate Jesus is said to transform for His Ultimate Battle between Ultimate Good and Ultimate Evil. In this form, he rides a white horse,(Whom many believe to be Arceus) has a sword coming out of his mouth and is covered in floating-above-the-skin glowing tattoos. Also, he is able to summon an army made up entirely of Ninja-Pirate Jehovah's Witnesses to bring down His Ultimate Badassery on the Forsaken.

Ultimate Battle Between Ultimate Good and Ultimate Evil[edit]

Some may like to believe that this battle is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. It is not. This is the battle to end all battles. Ultimate Jesus will descend from the heavens with a company of angels, and the most badass men on Earth ( Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Steven Seagal, and Sean Connery). The group will meet at the sacred ground, Point Zer0, to do battle with the Ultimate Evil, Ultimate Satan. Ultimate satan will be accompanied by Napolean, Hitler, Stalin, HAL 9000, and that nurse from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" (God, I hate that B#tch). The battle will commence when the great angel Gaybrial, (the only homosexual angel in heaven) turns straight, and announces it to God. Ultimate Jesus will then rush forward with the boiling fury of a rabid badger, and Ultimate Satan will rush forward with the frothin madness of a Horny goat-man. They will clash in the middle, and the resulting shock-wave will increase the global temperature by over 9000 degrees celsius, and reverse entropy forever. Then Ultimate Satan will unleash his greatest attack, a spinning cyclone centipede side-kick. The kick will shatter all of Ultimate Jesus' ribs. Jesus, laughing at the tickling sensation of having his ribs shattered, will then rise from the ground, and blast energy waves from his rapidly oscillating nipples, ripping the skin off of Ultimate Satan's muscular frame. Bleeding from the lack of skin, Ultimate Satan will assume final form, a massive roid-raging 5 mile tall Goat-Snake-Jackal, and pounce on Ultimate Jesus, ripping his nipples off. Jesus, ignoring how terribly turned on he is from the excruciating pain, will throw Ultimate Satan off of him, and rise again. Then Ultimate Jesus will grow to be 6 miles high, gaining a 1-up on Satan. Jesus will charge his FINAL ATTACK.

THE FINAL ATTACK[edit]

Jesus, curled in the fetal position, will gather all energy from the known universe into a single point. The pain from this act will actually cause him to cry (his tears can give anyone a 24 hour long orgasm, for three weeks straight). The Strain will not be in vain, for Jesus rises from the ground, his eyes dripping with blood, frothing blood from the mouth, and his fore-head, bulged and blackened from all the busted veins, and he will send all of the energy into Satan, causing him to be slowly torn apart from the waist up, and screaming in holy terror. Satans cries will cause anyone within a 10,000 mile radius to instanly go insane and rape their dog. When Satan is dead, Jesus will walk away slowly, with the wind flowing in his hair, and his every step as graceful as a lightly falling feather. He will ascend into heaven, where he will remain until called upon by one in need of true help, and with a pure heart. Boo-yah.

What about Pirate Ninja Jesus?[edit]

He is the ultimate Jesus, not Ultimate Jesus. There is a difference. But Ultimate Jesus is more ultimate. Ultimate Jesus and Pirate Ninja Jesus once fought after PNJ insulted your mom behind his back. They seemed at first to be evenly matched, but Ultimate Jesus, being more ultimate, won in the end after extensivly beating pirate ninja jesus with a 2x4 (by ten to the power of infinity) over the head repeatedly.

See Also[edit]



Kung-Fu Action Jesus (aka The Avater) lols