Super Smash Bros.
“What?! I'm in a T rated game?!”
“SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS!”
“Up the butt, Charziard!”
“You're too slow!”
Super Smash Bros., is a really GOOD video game produced in the late 1990s, is considered by most art historians and cultural anthropologists to represent the unification of all the all the various artistic and social trends of the past three thousand years of human existence. In the game, Nintendo characters battle on a platform in the air, attempting to weaken their opponents until they can throw them from the platform. Through cutting use of metaphor and allegory, the game illuminates the poignant truths of human existence; the tragically transitory nature of victory, the bitterness of being interrupted in the midst of beating someone up by having another person throw a bomb at you, the uncanny ability of Italians to summon orbs of flame, and the chilling knowledge that if a huge gorilla grabs you, he's probably going to kill you.
Super Smash Bros. also makes extensive use of symbolism and arcane references; the author of The Da Vinci Code has confessed that his bestselling book was in fact a simplification of certain themes of the game. The complex relationships between the characters in the game have spawned reams of scholarship, and in some cases have prompted protest and outcry. Feminists, for example, are outraged that Kirby, a small round ball, symbolic of male sexuality, can consistently defeat Fox, a symbol of the Earth goddess and womynhood. Folk theologists have been similarly outraged by the fact that Captain Falcon, symbolizing enlightenment liberalism and skepticism, as well as the nature of being the ultimate being of manliness, is generally superior to Pikachu, who represents the Black Christ of Central American myth. These controversies and others notwithstanding, Super Smash Bros. has carved out a niche for itself atop the American cultural pantheon, alongside Oprah, non-stick frying pans, and furry porn.
Although Super Smash Bros. in its modern form could not be properly conceived of before the invention of computers and processors, the idea of fictional animals battling on a platform in the air seems to have been hardwired into the human psyche, and rudimentary forms of the game appeared as early as 411 BC. In that year, in a brief interlude from the brutal warfare, senseless massacres, and relentless smack talk that usually characterized their relationship, Athens and Sparta attempted to settle their differences in an elaborate and ritualized form by swinging dummies around a stage on ropes, counting the damage percentage on each sides' character on a scoreboard below the stage. Tragically, this attempt was doomed by the fact that keeping track of percentages in ancient Greek numerals is bloody impossible, and the two sides returned to war rather quickly.
In the ensuing two and a half thousand years between this first experiment and the eventual emergence of Super Smash Bros. in its final form, numerous other malformed fetal versions of the game popped kicking and screaming out of mankind's intellectual vagina as the species struggled to fill the void in its collective heart. Excavations of Pompeii revealed inchoate versions of motifs present in Super Smash Bros, including a heretofore unknown hawk god who protected peasants by vanquishing evil spirits with his glorious flaming fists and golden nipples of heterosexuality. He also drove a flying car. This is completely valid and should not be questioned. Literature, painting, and music are all believed by modern historians to have been early attempts at creating a Super Smash-like product. Beethoven, for example, is known to have stated that his 9th symphony was "an attempt to reproduce the spirit of the most miraculous dream which was visited on me the other night, in which small and multifarious imps and animals disported themselves in violent play upon platforms in the air." Similarly, Geoffrey Chaucer confessed that his entire life's work was merely "a pale imitatione of a moste gloriouf visionne, in which with defte movements of my thumbes I didst smashe all mine foes from the screen, and all didst say, Geoff, you playe a meane Kirby." Later artists, from Michelangelo to Norman Rockwell, would devote their lives to the pursuit of similar half-formed visions. Shelby Foote spoke aptly when he remarked "the fascination that...Super Smash Bros...has exerted upon mankind has been second only to that exerted by...our own willies." In author Cormac McCarthy's bestselling All the Pretty Horses several passages have, in hindsight, been revealed to be direct references to the looming release of the game. One such passage: "john looked at [Jimmy]. storms coming, john said. he nodded. he took a deep breath. its been coming for a while now. he nodded. beat one player on normal with three lives and you unlock ness. he nodded."
Symbolism in Super Smash Bros.
When Super Smash Bros. was finally released in the mid 1990s, literary and film critics were awed by the degree of detailed reference and symbolism contained in the game. Comparisons were immediately made to James Joyce's Ulysses and Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. In fact, Super Smash Bros. contains references to both those works; Fox's reflective shield evokes Nabokov's use of unreliable first person narration to "reflect" the responsibility of judgment on the reader, and the fact that certain attacks can launch the victim in the opposite direction of the kick or punch thrown symbolizes the way Ulysses makes absolutely no sense. Beyond this level, the game also contains numerous references so obscure that only experts are capable of understanding them; Captain Falcon's exclamations of "Falcon Punch!" and "Falcon Kick!" are in fact subtle parodies of the misuse of the Latin imperative in papal encyclicals between 1050 and 1680 AD. Similarly, Pikachu's midair direction changes are a humorous take on the political maneuvering by which Stalin rose to power in the 1920s. Go COMMUNISTS! Nintendo will always lose to communist troppas. Especially that pussy Mario.He thiks that he is so cool, execpt that he got his butt kicked by lennin.
On the level of religious allegory, the single player mode of the game presents a unified narrative of the various religious texts of the world, incorporating elements from sources as diverse as the Bible, the writings of Confucius, and the Necronomicon. In addition, we have received word that it also alluded to Yoshi's Story, but we were under the assumption that this was a video game. Oh well, screw the whole business, we really don't care.
What is odd is that even though Mario is featured on the Box art, Nintendo's main mascot, and the biggest video game character in the world, He wasn't featured in the game. However, he was replaced by the Black Knight, who did what he could to represent the Italian invasion of Ethiopia by having his limbs hacked off during every fight.
The fact that every character must be unlocked is also a clear reference to the works of Kierkegarde during his religious phase..
Super Smash Bros is a way of life for many gamers, unlocking each and every character symbolizes a Nintendo fan losing his virginity, as the thought of playing as the incredibly obscure Link is enough to get a player to nut his pants. Few people realize that this game contains every piece of information ever, to be the best you have to know it all.
Super Smash Bros. is as popular as it is for a number of reasons: the gameplay, the multi-level stages, the costume changes, and of course, the girls. The fan love for the female characters in the game prompted Nintendo to release the side games, Super Smash Bros: Xtreme Beach Volleyball and Super Smash Sises. Brawl.
The company also decided to make their attempt at a cross-over game, much like Capcom vs. SNK, and created the ultra-violent A Clockwork Smash Bros, which made everyone who played it never want to play another fighting game ever again nor want to listen to Ludwig van Beethoven, due to the heavy influence of this composer on the game's tracks.
Additionally, there was a sickeningly weak attempt at making a dance game out of the Super Smash series: Super Smash Dance Bros. Revolution Melee. Most of the creaters where dead the next day. As the growing number of crazed teenage rebels trying out DDR to attract attention and get a good feeling inside when they did a song on super-out-of-your-mind crazy mode backwards with spinning arrows while standing on their heads made Nintendo think they could produce another "Smash" hit like the #1 best-selling in the world DDR: Mario Mix. The sales were somewhat less successful when compared to the sales of the Atari game E.T.And once again more people died.
Assist Trophies are item that can be pick up by a character, when a player open it, Characters appear out of Nowhere and help the character that pick up the trophies. Yes, that's right, they appear from the trophies and then fight for some random stranger they don't even know, yeah...
List of Assist Trophies:
- ^ Donald Kagan, God, just thinking about Pericles gives me a boner, p. 154
- ^ Stephen Ambrose, Small furry animals I have boned, p. 820
- ^ Ludwig van Beethoven, Collected Letters: Volume 3: The Bitchy Years, p. 198
- ^ Bartlett's Less familiar quotations and shit I just made up, p. 508
- ^ Quoted in Ken Burns' documentary "Man, I just keep churning these things out, don't I"
- ^ Quoted in George Bush's Biography when he ask his mom about Video Game transmitted Diseases, "Are you cereal"
- ^ Are you actually still reading these? Man, you must be a total loser!