Superman
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| Gender: | Male (We think) |
| Height: | 6'3" |
| Weight: | 225 lbs. (Adamantium skeleton) |
| Eyes: | Compound |
| Ass: | Gay dream |
| Crotch: | Stuffed with crack |
| Hair: | Magnificently curled |
| Species: | "Kryptonian," a species of beings that look exactly like humans, can reproduce with them, and even speak their language. But they're not human. Keep that in mind. |
| Occupation: | Crimefighter/Minor god |
| Base of operations: | Metropolis, USA |
| Status: | Uncertain, he keeps dying and coming back to life |
| Date Of Birth | Christmas, 0 AD |
| Favorite Food | Uranium-3, Earth sun-light |
“Super? Not at the box office! FAIL! ”
~ A gloating Batman on Superman
Superman is a superhero who is apparently an alien, despite looking exactly like a human. (No doubt, fanboys have an explanation for this.) Superman is famous for blatantly defying the laws of physics, and then blaming it all on the fact that Earth's sun is a different color than one he's used to. He is based in Metropolis, a city built in the '30s by Generic American Cities Inc. No one respects Superman, but everyone envies his tight buttocks.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Origin
Superman as "Kal-El" was born to asexual parents on a planet called "Krypton," where all the people looked like humans except for a couple differences, such as their asexuality, fetish for blinding-white clothing, and iconic curls of hair on their foreheads. Krypton was basically a big hunk of ice and crystal with no visible plants, and as such, it wasn't long before people started dying of starvation, drowing, and being struck by giant falling crystals.
Kal-El's father, who like wearing shirts with the Superman logo on them, knew it was only a matter of time before the entire planet melted, but like Al Gore, he was ignored. This was because the Kryptonian government disliked spending money on saving the planet, preferring to allocate it to activities such as sticking random people on platforms, and then blasting them off into the "Phantom Zone" as they screamed for mercy. They told Kal-El's father, who looked remarkably like Marlon Brando, that there was no credible evidence whatsoever that Krypton was in any danger. "Those explosions that keep sending large chunks of planet into space are part of Krypton's natural cycle!" they said.
Knowing his entire race was doomed, Kal-El's father concieved a brilliant plan that involved launching his infant son to a planet a trillion miles away, praying he didn't land in the ocean that covered 3/4 of the planet's surface, and then hoping someone managed to find and raise him. To explain everything to Kal-El, his father sent his message in Kryptonese, a language which just happens to sound exactly like English. When Kal-El landed on this planet, he was renamed "Clark Kent," and went on to become the greatest superhero his planet has ever known. Until Batman came along. And Spider-Man. And the X-Men, and the Watchmen, and... OK, let's just say it's a good thing Kryptonite is so rare, otherwise this guy would be dead of suicide.
[edit] The Superman's first appearance
Superman made his dramatic appearance saving an out-of control space shuttle and it's crew from certain doom. He was not applauded, however, because: A) He had not perfected his super-hero-suit-making technique, and his said suit actually disintegrated. Thus, people were too busy laughing at his Kryptonian junk to thank him. Also, B) when they found out he had been fully powered, and on Earth during 9/11, Katrina, the Challenger and Columbia crashes, and the Star Wars Prequels, they became enraged that he hadn't revealed himself sooner, and tried to beat him to a pulp.
[edit] The Movie
Superman soon became one of the most famous and iconic figures of Metropolis, despite his strange habit of getting mistaken for a bird or a plane. It wasn't long before he had a movie deal under his belt, a deal that would lead to the greatest comic-book epic ever made: Howard the Duck.
Wait, sorry, that wasn't it. The movie they ended up making was called Superman, which gave birth to the practice of giving superhero movies the names of the comic book characters they were inspired by. You know, just to make sure no one got confused. No one thought to end this practice until thirty years later, when The Dark Knight came out. Deal with it. Anyway, the movie was a huge succcess, and they made another one that was an even bigger success. Then, they made one which didn't do so well critically, but was still pretty sweet at the box office. And then... Well, let's just say Spider-Man might want to stop following Superman's film career track right about here.
He did return, though. With a title clearly written by Captain Obvious, Superman returned, and nobody gave a flying fuck. Seriously, his epic return went something like this:
Superman fireballs though Earth's atmosphere, crashes into the ocean, and emerges from his shuttle.
SUPERMAN: Hey guys, I'm back!
BATMAN: Nobody cares.
SUPERMAN: What?! How could that be? I'm SUPERMAN, the greatest hero ever to grace the silver screen. As a matter of fact, I'm really the only one, aside from you.
BATMAN: Yeah, about that... Remember that little comic company called Marvel?
SUPERMAN: What, the hacks with the stupid spider-guy? What about them?
BATMAN: Dude, the stupid spider-guy is now the biggest comic book character ever.
SUPERMAN: No way! Well... I'm still the biggest guy around here at DC, right?
BATMAN: Well, actually... Gez, now I feel guilty about it.
SUPERMAN: Come on, Batty-Man! Who is it? Wonder Woman? I heard she had some kind of screen deal going on. I know it's not you, cause when I left they were talking about signing on George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzznegger for some really campy movie. What was it, Batman and Bluejay?
BATMAN: First of all, it's Robin, not Bluejay.
SUPERMAN: Ah.
BATMAN: And besides, that's in the past... thank god. I had a reboot out in 2005, and everyone loved it. We're doing a sequel, and it's pretty anticipated. We got a deal with Heath Ledger. He said he had a great idea about how to do the Joker. I hate to tell you this, Superman, but... I am the top dog at DC.
SUPERMAN: Who's Heath Ledger?
[edit] Private Life
Superman spends most of his time at his "Fortress of Solitude," where he keeps his stuff, which includes his "Toothbrush of Solitude," his "TV Guide of Solitude," and is where he watches Will and Grace. He has been known to make use of his highly-coveted "Left Hand of Solitude," and his "Baby Lotion of Solitude." These weapons, however, are for only the most extreme of situations and are only used an average of once a day, twice on Sundays, bank holidays, and during Star Trek.
Superman has been linked romantically with kick-ass reporter Lois Lane, a southern belle who "moved on up" to the big town, and with alternate-universe superhero Tim McGraw. Superman has said of McGraw that his cowboy hat and incredible goatee are "the kryptonite that melts my heart." Lane has declined comment, but it should be noted that in 1992 McGraw and Lane were seen bitch-slapping each other outside of a South Texas Mall, apparently fighting over a pair of extremely bright pink panties. After which she dumped his ass.
Superman also is sexually attracted to Batman. He has had the hots for him ever since he saw his ass in that tight suit on the tv. Unfortunately for him, Batman is more inclined towards Dick Grayson (First Robin and Nightwing) with Batgirl, Catwoman, half of Gotham and the teen titans on the side. Superman vows to this day to kill all of his rivals for Batman's affections, but wonders how to do it without the comic book plot sounding like fanfiction written by a creepy fangirl on meth.
[edit] Powers
Superman has, to put it in poetic terms, a whole shitload of powers. His generally gigantic quanity of them, and the invulnerability they give him makes him slightly boring among some comic book fans. They don't complain though, lest he knock them out with his laser beams and kill them with his poison gas, all before disintegrating their bodies with his nuclear rays. His powers are the following:
- XXX-Ray Vision: Superman has the ability to see women as they would be completely nude.
- Super-knitting: Yes, this is actually one of his powers, he can make sweaters so tight, they will strangle their evil wearers.
- Flying: Yes, he can fly. And before you start talking about "being original" and "being unique," remember: this was original and unique. In the '30s.
- Super Speed: So Flash had this skill of having super speed, and just super speed only. Superman had to be a dick and take this speed, along with 10,000 other cool tricks. Knowing that Superman was superior to Flash in every way, Flash killed himself, and Superman laughed at his funeral. What a dick.
- Invincibility: While every other superhero can actually get hurt when punched, hit, etc, Superman appears to be invincible, so that it is impossible to defeat him, unless around kryptonite. If a nuclear bomb hit Superman, he'd still live. If a meteor hit Superman, he'd still live. But if a piece of green rock touched him, he'd die.
- Crying Mommy: A power that shouts "Mommy! This guy hit me! Boohoo!" It is so powerful that Superman's mommy will mysteriously appear and take a baking roller and penetrate the villain's bum so much that it breaks and the villain will dissipate.
- Media Power: Most superheroes are terrible with media. But, the exaggerated media fame of Superman is his main power. Superman uses media to spread lies about the villain. The villain becomes depressed, and attempts suicide. Right before, Superman comes and convinces them not to. But, being Superman, he kills them instead.
- Super-Prefixing: Superman can put the word Super in front of any frickin' thing he does. It's just magical.
- Super-Breath: This is actually a real power of Superman. Superman can hold his breath longer than anyone, which is quite helpful when large air-obstructing objects are shoved down his throat. He also can blow harder and more intense than anyone as well, which is suggestive in itself. You name it, he'll blow it. He is known for his power to hold breath 9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 milleniums, 1 hour 45 minutes 6 seconds. Any second longer and giant kryptonite will come and crush him. What can you say, he's an alien.
- Marry You to a Monkey: Supes can marry you to a a monkey, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
- BluRay Vision: Superman sees everything in 1080p and hears everything in DTS-HD Master Audio.
[edit] In popular culture
[edit] Also see
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Paris Hilton ~ Dr. Mario ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians | |
