Superman Re-Returns

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The official poster used was identical to the one for Superman Returns, with a few small changes, such as the title and the kitten on the moon. This was due to a few reasons: Superman actually was dead, and it would be disrespectful to put his body in the positions Bryan Singer wanted, and also they were over budget.

Superman Re-Returns was the January 2008 sequel to Bryan Singer's Australian film, Superman Returns, from 2006. It was a complete flop, running in cinemas for just over 4 weeks, except in Australia, where it is now part of their heritage, and old enough to be considered national history. It attempted to involve continuity, and although a script was written, Singer felt it was best to just "keep the cameras rolling and let the superheroes do what they do best." Despite Warner Brothers' furious attempts to collect and destroy every existing print of the film, it was nominated for a 2009 Oscar, Best Digital Cinematography Editing with a Supporting Actor in a Foreign Language (also known as Best Subtitling). It lost, however.

Plot[edit]

Superman, happy to have saved the day, but unhappy that his wife is kind of having eighteen other affairs, flies off to the moon, to ponder and look at Earth. He also changes clothes, a scene Bryan Singer personally put in the film, in slow motion. He then returns to Earth, and accidentally bumps into Wonder Woman in mid-air, she falls down and lands on a kitten farm. Superman apologises to the kittens, but ignores Wonder Woman (even she has been getting off with Lois Lane). Superman then goes to Lois Lane's house, using his X-ray vision to check she is naked before going into see her. She hands him a sandwich, filled with Kryptonite, with the words "Eat it all up!", but he doesn't. Realising Lois wants to kill him, Superman batters her to death. But is she dead???

Superman's Super-Sense goes off, and he realizes that the world in danger. He nips into a phone booth to get changed, only to find Bryan Singer in it, stark naked. The next scene only appeared in the Director's Cut. Superman then reappears, disheveled, and flies off to Lex Luthor's house, but he is not doing anything, except trying on wigs. Superman looks seriously confused for a moment, because Lex Luthor isn't the evil guy? Who the hell is? Then Brainiac appears, and announces his evil plan in a long and boring monologue which I'm afraid I fast-forwarded through, so I don't know what it is. Listen, it took ages. But, for safety, we'll say it was something about using the TV to brainwash the world into killing themselves.

"Sniper Kitty", the only good Superman villain to date, takes aim and fires. He was cruelly cut from the original film, in all but the Australian versions, due to the distressing of audiences. It is unknown how the kittens got into this film, though it is reported they used violent means.

Anyway, Superman does the usual thing of disagreeing with the bad guy, and goes around stealing the world's TVs. They then throw their nut, well, wouldn't you? He, luckily, only gets as far as Metropolis, but then they start throwing stones. He feels really hurt, and goes to the moon to sulk. Meanwhile, in some kind of continuity attempt, Lois Lane's son and husband arrive home to find her battered to death. They swear revenge on Superman, and nick her drugs. Ooh, and in some kind of random sub-plot idea thing, the kittens also team up to kill Superman, having made peace with Wonder Woman. Yeah, don't forget that. The kittens are coming.

Superman then returns to Earth with the TVs, deciding it would be easier to kill the Brain thing, than take every TV. He does this very successfully, stopping the Brain man pressing the red button by pushing him off a cliff to certain death. But is it certain??? Lex Luthor then decides to press the red button. This takes him to a strange, digital world, and the fat people watching TV start to kill themselves. The US Government praises this, ("we have solved obesity!")and when Superman stops the brainwashing, they decide to kill him.

Anyways, Superman is sitting in his Fortress of Solitude when Lois Lane's son and husband turn up trying to kill him. He rapes them, and apologises. They leave. He is still sitting in his Fortress of Solitude when the US Army turn up trying to kill him. He kills them, and buries them. In Africa. Then Lex Luthor arrives, and Superman kills him for no real reason. Then the kittens arrive, and Superman sits among them. However, they then reveal they are holding kryptonite in their teeth, and machine gun him to death. Or do they???

Cast And Characters[edit]

  • Superman as Clark Kent/Superman - A man who has way too many super powers. He sadly died, in real life, during the making of the film. The kitten trainers didn't realise the anger the kittens really felt.
  • Kate Bustworth as Lois Lane - Superman's ex-sex slave, she was out for revenge. Superman, in an effort to look darker, battered her to death with a toothbrush. Luckily, this was only a fake death, and Kate Bustworth can go on to appear in The Wizard of Oz Movie.
  • Random Actors as Lois's Friends And Relations - They inevitably survive, but have a bit of a raping.
  • Wonder Woman as Herself - Cameo appearance. Poor gal can't get her own film.
  • Kevin Spacedout as Lex Luthor - An evil guy, who this time doesn't have an evil plan. Suffers from hair deficiency and name alliteration.

Sequel[edit]

Even though it was voted Worst Film Ever by People Who Know Their Stuff, Singer is still keen on making a sequel, or keen on hiring another sexy actor. "I think the name Superman Re-Re-Returns would be stupid, but Superman Unleashed: Wild and Untamed sounds good. And they would give me another all-expense paid trip downunder. Sweet!" It has been speculated the plot would include "Superman finding himself, Lex Luthor having a mid-life crisis, Brainiac getting a job, and Lois Lane trying to move on with her life." When fans pointed out that all these characters were supposedly dead, Singer told them it was special effects and just in the film they were dead. The fans said that they knew that (or some fans did), they were just wondering about continuity. Bryan Singer said he'd think of something. Recently, Singer has been involved in talks with producer J.J. Abrams to do a possible Superman/Star Trek crossover/sequel for release in 2012. The project, orginally to be called Star Trek: Enough Already, would be filmed in Australia and would feature computer generated kittens, and at least one sequence with Superman saving a starship from crashing.

It has since been revealed that Superman actually was killed by the kittens in the film, which is why he was "worse than Spiderman in bed", according to Lois Lane. Yes, he was, and is dead.

Critical Reception[edit]

The reception to this film was almost universally negative. Even Mars didn't like it. The fans also didn't like that nearly all the major characters died. Wait, all the major characters died. Except the editor of the Daily Planet, possibly, although of course he might have committed suicide.