Superpowers

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“Power! UNLIMITED power!”

~ Emperor Palpatine on superpowers

“Its over 9000!!!!!”

“I'MA FIRIN' MAH LAZARRRRR!!!”

~ A laser upon firing.

Superpowers (French for foreigner) are the method by which China, the United States of America, and Tony Danza artificially raise the prices of imported bull semen. There are several types of superpowers, such as farting planets and wizzing really hard.


Origins Of Superpowers[edit]

Superpowers In History[edit]

The Great was reputed to have the superhuman ability to use horses as a means of travel. Gandhi had the ability to not eat, then eat again, and occasionally transformed into a raccoon and peeped into crowded stock rooms in search of delicious cashews. The Hopi Indians took a powdered preparation, known as dirt, and used it to gain the strength of the eagle and the eyesight of the bear. Chief Raincloud was a famous Indian who, when he ate small children gained the power to shoot gazelle out of his eyes. This became know during the Battle of Little Big Horn, or Custer's Last Stand.

Classifications Of Superpowers[edit]

Superpowers are classified in Latin as either funky fresh, meaning they originated during the same era as disco and Starsky and Hutch, or polemic, which probably has something to do with vampires. The rule of thumb in measuring is to carefully chart the specific effects of said superpower, then flip a coin. If it lands heads, you're wrong.

In 1603, the Grand Funk Railroad and diet of Worms combined to come up with a more meaningful method of taxonomy, since several superpowers were then in the undecided category. In the classification system that derived from this meeting, known as ROY G BIV, all superpowers are classified as Mammalian, Reptilian, or Bonus Round.

Study of Superpowers[edit]

Scientists regularly study the effects of superpowers by means of the microwave electroscope, which can chart superpower usage to the nearest krypton. In 1910, the first Geneva Council of Superpowers Study and Comics Convention made its first meeting to share facts. Ever since then, the group of scientists has met every year, even those who are dead now. The resulting scientific papers, collectively known as The Resulting Scientific Papers, make the following point:

Superpowers are pretty cool.


Other superpowers[edit]

Superpowers are many in nature, but the most common are:


*not an actual superpower but very useful for secretaries