Susan Boyle
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Resembling a cross between a 1970s Soviet premier and a haunted tree, Susan Boyle is an Angel trapped in the body of a hairy Scottish dinner lady. She shot to instant global fame recently by solving all of the world's problems with her rendition of I had a wet dream by Les Miserables. Because she has sung that song, nothing bad will ever happen ever again, ever. She has also begun a clandestine affair with George Dubya Bush.
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[edit] Performance
When the glamourous Susan first arrived on stage, everyone in the audience loved her and totally expected her to be an amazing singer. They were proved right. One of the judges, Pierce Brosnan, described it as 'An amazing performance! And you know what, I wouldn't mind giving that a good knobbing either'. He was promptly fired. Fellow panelist Amanda Hold'em called it 'the biggest wake-up call ever' (although technically she is incorrect, as that was actually The Great Wake-Up Call of Doncaster in 1943 where a giant alarm clock was used to simultaneously awaken a whole village)
The Susan Boyle story was one which proved once and for all that society's pre-conceived notions are always correct, and we should always judge a book by its cover. It was a wake-up call to all, everywhere, that only good looking people matter and how we as a society are heading in the right direction and are right to only care about materialistic things.
[edit] Music Career
After her dazzling performance on BGT, Susan's many new-found fans across the globe were eagerly anticipating her first album, hoping it to be a truly unforgettable masterpiece of classical hits all sung to perfection with her angelic voice. But rather surprisingly, she completely changed her whole lifestyle/image, opting instead to go down the 'gangsta' route.
In November 2009 she released her first album, Fuck All Y'all Bitch-Ass Hoes, which is rumoured to have a message of defiance towards her 'haters'. Asked to comment on the album, Susan simply said 'Yeah, this album's to all those bitch-ass hoes out there who be hatin' on my steez, n'am sayin??? Y'all know who y'alls are. Y'all was all hatin on me in the beginning, but I let y'all bitches know. nahmean? I went up there on that stage and showed you haters what's up. It's Boyle in the house bitch!!! WHUT!!!!!!!!'
[edit] Trivia
- 'Susan Boyle' is an anagram of 'Anus Boyles', which is appropriate because it is a condition she has suffered from for many years.
- Susan stated in an interview that she had 'never been kissed'. While technically this is true, she does fail to mention the countless blowjobs she had to give Simon Cowell to get on the programme.
- INTERESTING FACT: If you go on Youtube, and in the search bar type in 'Susan Boyle ' followed by any letter in the alphabet (except for z), there is a whole drop-down list of suggestions for every single one (this is actually true!)
[edit] UK's Got No Talent Final
She was beaten in the final by a bunch of danceing robots - LOLZ FAIL!
