Kamasutra

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Sutras)
Jump to: navigation, search


32px-Stop hand.png
Readers are made aware that this article is not a comprehensive guide to doing Kamasutra and they should not attempt any of the positions touched in this article without reading the book first or without the expert guidance of a tutor


This easy-to-read, condensed version of Vatsayana's Kamasutra, released in 1960, was hugely popular in many Western countries

Unlike whatever anyone has told you, the Kamasutra is nothing more than a book on sex that concentrates on the subject of combining pilates with sex. Following the instructions of the Kamasutra you can improve the flexibility of your body and its muscles and also enjoy sex at the same time, that is if you can manage to have sex while doing pilates.

Another way to do what the Kamsutra advises is to get into the position with your partner as described in the book, and then regardless of where your and your partner's genitals are, just have someone else pull them in together.

Also be sure to remember how you went into a position, what exact moves you made, because if you don't, then don't be surprised if you join the list of cases reported where the partners were unable to disentangle themselves after having got into one.

Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kamasutra.
Part of a series of articles on
Holy Scripture
Bible with a warning label

Judaism and Christianity
Torah
Bible
BIBLE!
New Cooler Edition
Rick James Version
Revised Liberal Edition
Revised Neocon Edition
Bible 2

Islam
Quran
Q'whatever
Duran Duran
Holy Horan

Hinduism
Vedas

Buddhism
The Sutras

How to do Kamasutra[edit]

Beginner's level position
Khajuraho Temple, Madhya Pradesh, India

The best way of doing kamasutra is in relief on rock. This gives participants abundant support from the mortar that attaches them to the underlying rock. Participants are able to maintain the difficult contortions of Kamasutra while maintaining unfettered erection(s) for prolonged periods. One should however be careful not to attach the hips or genitals to the underlying rock for these will in motion when Kamasutra occurs. In the rare event when genitals or hips are accidentally fused to the rock, the Kamasutra suggests the following remedy:

Intermediate level position
Note how the horse's hips are fused to the rock to avoid injury to the horse's buttocks from vigorous to and fro
Have thy fellowmen immerse thy sculpture in a bath of milk, fragranced with rose petals, roasted asafoetida, cumin, fresh twigs of turmeric and jasmine for a period lasting from dawn to dusk. Then have them wash thee with fresh spring water collected from the mouth of the Ganges at Rishikesh. This done, have them gently caress thine entire sculpture with tender twigs of the neem. This should make thy feel very relaxed and at ease. (Chapter 2, Verse XI)

Regular Kamasutra is known to prolong life and promote a sense of well being in people who practise it. It is also associated with improved short term memory and high levels of alertness. People in jobs with a high level of stress like surgeons, pilots and presidents of America have been advised to have Kamasutra with their nurses, cabin crew and interns, respectively, before embarking on any assignment (and preferably during the assignment too for better results). In parts where Kamasutra is widely practiced (for example South Asia), the inadvertent omission of a chapter on contraception in the Kamasutra's text has led to disastrous consequences with the resources of the world being stretched to accommodate a rapidly burgeoning human population. Kamasutra was thus banned in these parts in 1982. Its chief patrons today are western nations with a sparse population but tough immigration laws.

History[edit]

The Kama Sutra was written in India by Jesus Christ's best friend, Biff, in the first century AD. It was initially unpopular and its first print-run had to be pulped. Scholars have attributed its lack of popularity to the fact that the first edition

  • Was written in Indian;
  • Was the victim of a poor marketing campaign at Amazon.com; and most importantly
  • But mostly... It did not have pictures in it.

Later, in the so-called Sexual Revolution of the Sixties and Seventies Hugh Hefner is on record as saying that until he read the Kama Sutra sometime in the late 80s, it had never occurred to him to turn Playboy into a pornographic magazine, as up until then it had been exclusively devoted to articles about automobile accessories.

The first illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra took an incredibly long time to come to print after the previous edition - almost as much as six weeks in fact. There were few main reasons for this:

  • Firstly, the editors realised that the original book contained only 5% references to Sex, and 95% references to social and historical customs of ancient India which were completely unscandalous and would be valuable to scholars. They were thus faced with a dilemma of what body parts to include, and what to leave out.
  • Secondly, the photographer, being a complete perfectionist, insisted on more time to take as many photos as possible, thus holding up publication.
  • This was compounded by the choreographer who is also a perfectionist, particularly on ensuring that the eroticism is same from any eye angle.
  • But the couple under the camera were concerned about the prefered angle of entry.
  • So did the other couples.

The decision to include only references to Sex and not the historical and social references took a considerably lengthy, five minutes, whereas the need to take more photographs took a mere 5 weeks, 6 days, 23 hours and fifty-five minutes.

The publication of the Illustrated Kama Sutra was an inspired success, and led to a craze of lavishly photographed sex-education books. This in turn led to phenomenal growth in mail-order book clubs, and the world's most successful distributor of extreme hardcore pornography.

Contents[edit]

Part One - Introduction[edit]

A cheap Roman imitation of Kamasutra illustrating kuttiya se sambandh, or doggie style, position

(5 chapters) - An in-depth analysis of love in general and its place in the lives of men and women

  • Chapter One: There is no love
  • Chapter Two: However there is sex
  • Chapter Three: The Three Aims of Life: Sex, sex and more sex
  • Chapter Four: There is a lot of sex around you if you observe closely
  • Chapter Five: Reflections on intermediaries who assist the lover in the lover's observing and reaching out to the sex in his environment

Part Two - Amorous Advances[edit]

(6 chapters) - An in-depth discussion of kissing, various types of foreplay, orgasm, a list of sex positions, oral sex (in both heterosexual and homosexual context), anal sex, paraphilia, incest, bestiality and ménage à trois.

  • Chapter One: Too much lubrication is never enough
  • Chapter Two: Medicinal properties of vaginal discharge procured from the female (preferably wife's) apparatus during coitus
  • Chapter Three: Hairy women and furry sheep
  • Chapter Four: Rotund women are the most amorous
  • Chapter Five: Biting and oral sex with animals with strong incisors
  • Chapter Six: Flatus expelled during climax

Part Three - Acquiring a Wife[edit]

Another cheap (though better) imitation of the Kamasutra by the Western painter Gustave Courbet illustrating a keshav choot, or hairy vagina

(6 chapters) - Dealing with courtship and marriage.

  • Chapter One: Divorce and Alimony
  • Chapter Two: How to buy a wife
  • Chapter Three: Other ways of obtaining a wife
  • Chapter Four: How to masturbate in solitude
  • Chapter Five: Union with sheep and horses through marriage
  • Chapter Six: Enumeration of the oral and coital skills of prospective wives from different regions: Gujarat, Punjab, Maratha, Bengal, Vindhyas, Lanka, Kashmir, Gandhara and Brahmaputra

Part Four - Duties and Privileges of the Wife[edit]

(2 chapters) - Dealing with the proper conduct of a wife.

  • Chapter One: How to fake an orgasm
  • Chapter Two: How to blend into the furniture post coitus

Part Five - Other Men's Wives[edit]

(6 chapters) - Dealing with seduction.

  • Chapter One: Other men's wives weren't married if they didn't tell you this when coitus was occurring
  • Chapter Two: 10 different ways of denying they told you this
  • Chapter Three: Climbing down a fire escape ladder the correct way
  • Chapter Four: Coveting thy neighbor's wife is a virtue
  • Chapter Five: How to dress your wive as other man's wife for maximum pleasure
  • Chapter Six: Servants and slaves' wives are never counted as other men's wives

Part Six - About Courtesans[edit]

(4 chapters) - Dealing with the social ettiquettes of becoming and approaching a courtesan

  • Chapter One: Overcoming shame, guilt and embarrassment (for the novice)
  • Chapter Two: Ways of getting rich (for courtesans)
  • Chapter Three: How to get it up (for senior citizens)
  • Chapter Four: AIDS (for cheap bastards)

Part Seven - Occult Practices[edit]

(3 chapters) - Dealing with kundalini and other yogic methods to heighten pleasure

  • Chapter One: Phallus elongators, samsung tools, Hello Kitty Vibrators and virtual sex.
  • Chapter Two: Kicking weak sexual partners out of bed without hurting their feelings.
  • Chapter Three: Devouring your sexual partner during and after coitus

Part Eight - Managing Post Coital Sadness[edit]

(2 Chapters) - Dealing mainly with prolonging climax

Famous four positions of the Kamasutra[edit]

Illustrations:

Image Gallery[edit]

The Madonna Controversy[edit]

Censored 3.jpg

External links[edit]

Censored.jpg