Sutton Grammar School

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Sutton Grammar School for Boys is the best school in the world. It was built in 1928 on an Indian burial ground, which explains the deathly boredom throughout the establishment.

The Headmaster is currently Gordon Ironside who rules with an iron fist. That iron fist is Mr Gibson, who systematically punches and brutalizes the spirit of pupils and teachers alike. It has become tradition for the headmaster to be under the control of an alien force, and as a result students have resigned themselves to their daily programme of worshipping Alien overlord 'Nargzel 12' and the building of a giant laser canon in the yard.

The School[edit]

Sutton Grammar is located on Saturn, just off the main High street. There has been bare building work in recent years, most notably a Sports Hall (opened July 2005 by Sir Bobby Robson) being built. More building work is to be undertaken, with a new Missile Silo planned for completion in early 2006.

Most students spend the best part of their adolescence, ages 11-18, at S.G.S. It is officially the best Physics school in the country despite the deaths of 3 students after a lesson with the Van-der-Graaf generator went horribly, horribly wrong.

The school operates a successful prefect racket headed by Head Boy, Jack Noble, who hopes to instill a police state-like ethos into SGS. Prefects are soon to be equipped with riot batons and tasers to 'encourage' the picking up of litter in the playground.

This and much much more enables Sutton Grammar to be an attractive option to many Universities around the country, Oxbridge reguarly admits 10 or more students from Sutton Grammar after having been bribed by the PTA.


Sutton Grammar plays lots of sports, mainly basketball and football. A recent addition to the sporting programme is the annual towel snapping championships and the tie whipping tournament, in which boys are forced to strip down and engage in combat against each other armed only with towels or ties. The event has aroused much criticism from PTA governers, but head of PE Mr Bangs argues fervently that the sport is a 'stimulating' and engaging pastime for the boys yet still requires a walking stick.

The school regularly sends Lower School teams to the World Patball Championships in Guantanamo Bay, where Sutton Grammar have been world champions for three years running. The advantage of holding the tournament here is that the LOSERS that do attend do not return and rush out after lessons to shotgun or buggsy walls, doors, cars, in fact any available space in the crammed playground to play it. The prize for this event is a brand new, really fluffy, bright yellow and incredibly bouncy tennis ball and an official "I'm a Loser" plaque.

6th Form[edit]

The 6th form contains students who have manged to attain the laughable criterion of 2 As and 4 Bs at GCSE, and consists of two years: The lower and upper sixth. Headed by Tory fanatic Mr G Marshall, the students endure a gruelling two years of doing very little work and being brainwashed into applying for top end universities such as Oxford and Cambridge or entering the medical profession. Popular sixth form pastimes include Monopoly (at which obsessive mogul Steven Harp is reigning champion), wrestling, Robert beating and the Shakespeare olympics.

Large numbers of lockers can be found along the main corridor of the centre. The casual visitor would assume that students used them to store books and other scholarly implements. They are of course wrong: The lockers are used for breeding illegal species of baby dragons, which are then sold on for profit to unsuspecting members of the Lower School or to deal the usual drugs, WMPs etc. Also, people have the strange custom of leaving cold, yet boiled milk in their locker, to stink out the entire school out.

The 6th Form is intentionally deprived of money which is instead used for the staff room's biscuit fund. Money is therefore raised through occasional comedy shows ('ComicAids'), extortion rackets, and petty larceny from Marshall's office.


Like most schools, Sutton Grammar has a house. It is a very nice house with a pond and a garden, with a small gnome called James Shakespeare sitting on a toadstool. The house is maintained and cleaned by an unkempt and dishevelled yet kindly old gentleman called Sam Hawke, who students claim is living under a Witness Protection Scheme after pointing out distinct resemblances to Robbie Coltrane, star of Harry Potter films as Hagrid.

School Council[edit]

The School Council maintains a facade of democracy at the school, occasionally prompted by the Headmaster but more often than not totally ignored by the staff. This is in fact untrue: The School Council exerts real power and secretly controls all areas of school policy. The Council is currently under the iron grip of General Secretary Peter 'Comrade' Wright, chairman of the Sutton Grammar Socialist Society. Since coming to power he has instituted a sweeping programme of hard-nosed socialist central planning - such as the building of the new canteen. This is the target for massive crime. In fact, I doubt anyone pays, but they don't care!

Combined Cadet Force[edit]

Sutton Grammar (formerly Manor) boasts one of the most highly respected cadet forces in the country. Over the years boys from Sutton’s CCF have both served and fought for their country in successive campaigns and wars. Senior cadets maintain the smooth running of the contingent using what Churchill observed as 'rum, sodomy and the lash'. This quote is mistakenly attributed to Nelson's Navy, but was in fact referring to the CCF.

Developments over recent years include:
Welcoming of Jack Bauer into the CCF's Veteran association: Jack gives cadets briefings in being a badass after school on Tuesday.
Compulsory carrying of arms for all cadets.
Indictment of the upper ranks of the CCF after photographic evidence of inproper behaviour was leaked to the public, including a photo of 'Naked Hitchhiking' from last year's Pennines expedition.

Other Things of Interest[edit]

o There is a small magnet attached to the underside of some stairs on the Business Studies hut. It has been there for several years and it is impossible to remove.
o The vents above the main hall are giant air-conditioning units. In early 2004, several Sixth Form students made their way up to the AC units, and hung shoes from the grille. Mr Gibson (who was conducting an assembly at the time) seemed not to notice, much to the amusement of Lower School.
o The wall directly opposite the Sports Hall is regularly broken by delivery vans.
o There used to be a loose pole on the stairs outside the Humanities block. It was observed that every teacher who walked past pushed the pole, so it moved upwards. When the pole was eventually broken by students, several wires were seen coming out of the remnant. The purpose of these wires remains a mystery.
o The old bell outside Room 54 sometimes rings with the sound of a rusted hammer. It is not a particularly pleasant sound.
o The walls of the Languages rooms above the Sports Hall appear to be made out of cardboard.
o The school coach is missing it's left floor light. It was damaged when the coach collided with the anti-vehicle guards at the back gates.
o There is a small passageway in the new Sports Hall. It is through the office and in the storage cupboard (which itself is part of the passageway). The cutout leads underneath the stairs, with an opening about seven feet off the ground. While not confirmed, some have speculated that the passageway leads to the lift shaft; others (generally year 7s) believe it leads to an underground passage below the hall.
o In Mrs Louw's English room there can be found a small stain of red directly below the crawl space hatch in the celing. Rumours that the stain was blood from a body hastily concealed in the crawl space were disproved when Green House admitted to having dropped red food colouring through the ceiling during an english lesson.
o A vortex to an alternate dimension can be found on the top floor outside Room 31.
o Roy's 'office' is to be located in the boiler room at the bottom of the school, opposite Room 2. The mysterious room is rumoured to contain the meaning of life, the universe and everything in it, aswell as an endless supply of confectionery and sweetmeats, yet no student has ever entered it as it is guarded 24 hours a day by Colin 'Cloin' Robinson.
o Colin, or 'Smokey Robinson' as he is known to his friends is believed to have acquired almost godlike powers due to his ability to smoke 80 cigarettes a day.
o A not-to-miss attraction at Sutton Grammar is the decadent office of Giles Marshall, or 'Dizzee Marshall' as he is often hailed by students. Containing artefacts from around the world such as a non regulation widescreen computer monitor and a toaster, Mr. Marshall has been accused of being a 'capitalist roader' and a 'petty bourgeoisie' . Other students have commented on the irony that 'The big G's office is only half the size of the 6th form common room, despite the fact that he does bugger all in the way of work.'
o Noble students held a 'Roy Aid' event during the summer months of 2004 gaining support of Coldplay frontman Chris Martin - despite failing to achieve it's aims of turning Roy into an internet 'Gonzo' Porn Star it did see him getting adopted by Angelina Jolie. Since then, Roy's harem of Eastern European cleaning ladies has now expanded to over five ho's.
o A teacher, Mr Murray, unfortunately died in a fire accident recently. Some say you can see his ghost hovering through the corridors, doomed to an eternity of pushing his glasses up to his nose whilst in limbo.
o The school politics are heavily right wing, with occasional outbursts of "f-ing migrants" frequently heard around the corridoors. This being despite over 95% of the school being of a non-English origin. Ironically the only communist supporting member of the 6th form, frequently operates money raising events of which he steals the cash for his own cock fun.


Scheduled for completion by the end of this 3025 (I think the year in which it is set), an Unreal Tournament level based upon the school and northey is being developed by sixth formers. A link to the related website is in external links. The game is being developed by known glasses wearer Hugh Wyeth and his 'gentle giant' companion Daniel Grover. Some confusion has arisen in the past as to the exact founding of the game level. Permanently confused American exchange student Ibrahim excalaimed upon seeing the map: "Dude, that looks like the school! You guys made a game of the school?!"

Noted 'Old Boys'[edit]

  • M.Burns - Founder of Schlong Magazine

Alex Pericleous[edit]

Despite having been tragically disfigured in the great library fire of 1999, Alex remains a protector of good against the forces of evil and can often be seen in his blue lycra suit patrolling the streets. A whopping 6'7" and weighing in at 15 stone, Alex 'Doom bringer' Pericleous is certainly one of the larger students at Sutton Grammar, and has allegedly brought into custody over 20 vagabonds caught performing misdeeds in the grotty depths of downtown sutton.

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