Suzanne Carlsson

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Adult neon.gif This User is too Damn Sexy!
If you saw this user it's possible that you might fall to the ground and

worship him/her, or spontaneously combust from a sex drive overload.

Suzanne Carlsson, not on a beach near you this summer!

Suzanne Carlsson claims to be Scottish but as we all know, no girl from Scotland looks anything remotely like she does. Suzanne has been described in the past by many guys as "a ride". Theres a bit of Swedish in there somewhere as she was parented by Ulrika and William Wallace.

Suzanne is currently amongst other things a model, singer/songwriter and sex toy to the rich and famous. She once appeared in the News Of The World claiming Victoria Silvstedt tried to 'fuck' her. Naturally Suzanne being a cocktease said no to this unbelievably hot offer and went away to play with herself. Suzanne can play the piano like nobody's business and occasionally does this in exchange for money. This is the only thing Suzanne does for money though, as said before she is a cocktease of the highest order.

now Suzanne can be found on Myspace, but the site is shit as it doesn't have any hot pictures of her posted. She has a remarkably large pair of lips which is a similar feature her breasts and legs share.

Suzanne Carlsson : Cocktease[edit]

Suzanne is quite fond of stoating about in the skimpiest of gear in order to sexually frustrate every man on Earth. Suzanne's outfit of choice though is the good old tartan skirt. The problem with this though is the tartan skirt can be easily related by earth-men to both pornography and 6th year lassies. This has been known to cause erections in Earth men. At the National Cocktease Society's (NCS) annual convention last year, it was decided that the wee slash in the side of the skirt was to be redesigned. The desired effect now is for both the cockteases ass cheeks and thighs to be showing gratuitously.

Suzanne Carlsson, tastier than a sausage supper from the Pizza Crolla

Cockteases are nasty little bitches that dress in a provocative manner with the sole attention to attract as much male attention as possible. They can often be overheard chastising the attracted males for looking at their near exposed breasts. When doing this, the cocktease will feign shock and surprise at the male's wandering eyes with either a slap or kick to the privates being the logical conclusion to the exchange. It was announced recently that Suzanne was booked to appear in Playboy magazine, at a date which has yet to be finalised. This was decided by Suzanne's management in consultation with the National Cocktease Society (NCS) in order to sexually frustrate men from outside of Scotland. The world's most proficient cockteases on Earth include Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert and That hot lassie from the gym in Airdrie with the big rack. These three women were part of the committee which decided Suzanne could move into the (NCS) big leagues.

Suzanne Carlsson : Arch Enemy - Randy Orton[edit]

For as much as this article has discussed Suzanne's awesome cocktease talents, recently she discovered there was one of Earth's men she had no control over. The WWE's Randy Orton recently met Suzanne on Buchanan Street in Glasgow whilst she was busy getting her jugs out outside Gregg's bakers. The exchange was designed by Suzanne to tease all male passers by, however unconfirmed reports exist that Randy simply bent her over a bollard and "fucked her hard". Naturally if this is true, Suzanne wouldn't have consented to such an act as she is a virgin, however a friend of Randy is quoted as saying:

“Yeah, she had her baps out outside Gregg's and was telling everybody not to look, so Randy just swaggered over and tapped that ass!”

~ WWE's John Cena on Suzanne getting her cum-uppance! (pun intended)

Randy Orton is the only Earth male with the power/cheek/forwardness to defeat the cockteases. Rumour has it the only way to defeat one is to simply bend them over and "lose it up them". When word spread of Randy's achievement there was a mass outbreak of joy amongst sexually frustrated Earth-males.

“Get on the wire and spread the word.........on how to bring those sons of bitches down!”

~ Oscar Wilde on how he spread the word to Earth males everywhere.
Suzanne Carlsson, always wears "fuck me" heels while she goes hillwalking

Suzanne Carlsson : Girls She Is Prettier Than[edit]

Suzanne Carlsson, wearing a Scotland zipper.......ooft she MUST be Scottish!

Suzanne Carlsson : Things She Would Never Ever Ever Say To You[edit]

“Hi can I buy you a drink?”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on approaching you in a pub/club

“Your a good dancer, wanna come home back to my place?”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on your dancing skills in The Garage

“Hey you can stay at mine tonight if your having trouble getting back home.”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on seeing you break down outside her house

“Hey if it's not a bother or anything, do you think you could massage my heaving voluptuous breasts? It's been murder bringing carrying them around all day.”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on asking you to massage her breasts.

“Do you mind if my friend joins us tonight? I've always fantasisied about having a threesome.”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on trying to spice things up in the bedroom

“Would you like to do me with the skirt still on?”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on whether you like her to wear the tartan skirt as you fuck her.

“Oh God..........I'm cumming!”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on your sexual skills.
Suzanne Carlsson, what she'd wear to work to give you a hard-on......just dont go near her with it!

Suzanne Carlsson : Where She Can Be Found[edit]

Suzanne is notoriously hard to track down in present day. This is due to the mixture of anger and embarrassment she suffers at the hands of being fucked by Randy Orton. If you still fancy having a go at Randy's sloppy seconds though you can normally find Suzanne in the near vicinity of her massive breasts. In the spring of 2007, Suzanne was snapped by the paparazzi on a beach in the Port Of Spain snuggled up close to both the left and right breast. Both her breasts have commented in past interviews that Suzanne is highly skilled at applying sun lotion to them and is "essential". This is possibly due to the breasts having a noticeable lack of hands to apply it themselves. Suzanne is fully detachable from her breasts and does this sometimes to relieve the massive tension in the small of her back from lugging them around all day. Please note that Suzanne cannot be found anywhere near either your house as she does not want your boaby whatsoever.

Suzanne Carlsson, if you get caught looking theres a dirty look with your name on it!

Suzanne Carlsson : Wee Bitch[edit]

Just to spite you with her amazing cocktease skills, Suzanne has been known to crank it up a notch. She does this by ignoring all men as per usual, however sporadically pulls the hottest girls in the nightclubs just to piss you off. Suzanne isn't a lesbian by any means, but her sole aim in life is to leave all Earth men with an erection for as long as possible. Remember though.....your not allowed to look as she likes to kiss girls in private.

There have been many cases in which on popular Scottish nightclub dancefloors certain Earth-men have approached Suzanne. Armed only with a vodka mixer and a bit of witty banter, each and every one has succombed to Suzanne's ice queen standard of teasing. Suzanne has been known to string the poor subject along until they have emptied the meager contents of their wallets on copious volumes of girlie alcohol. Not justfor her though, she will make you buy for her friends too. As a result of this, the sight of Suzanne snogging your girlfriend with a bottle of champagne in her hand has become all too frequent.

“I only turned my back for a second to get some chewing gum off my mate, then I turned back and Suzanne was kissing my burd! Even after I bought her a bottle of champers!”

~ Jesus Christ on Suzanne pulling his girlfriend while his back was he wouldn't see!

Suzanne Carlsson, oh Christ shes got more than one tartan skirt. Were doomed!

Suzanne Carlsson : Private Places She Likes To Kiss Girls, With No Boys Allowed To Look[edit]


  • The middle of the dancefloor
  • The middle of the street
  • Outside your house with everyone looking
  • In the queue at Greggs
  • In the queue at McDonalds
  • In a bikini, on the middle of a crowded beach
  • In your office at work
  • Your girlfriends bedroom

“Ugh God I'm so fucking sick of guys looking when I kiss a girl in the middle of the Greggs my best lingerie! What's the fascination?”

~ Suzanne Carlsson on what she does in the Greggs queue whilst she waits on Agnes making her 2 steak bakes.
Suzanne Carlsson, under no circumstances does she fancy a 'roll in the hay'......maybe just with your girlfriend and you'd not be allowed to take part!