Swearing In Music
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Swearing and music go together like a bulldog and unfeasibly big testicles. They may seem ridiculous together but you sure wouldn't want to pick a fight with them.
Two inventions have helped this unholy alliance more than any other - the electric guitar and amplification. It's quite hard to put across just how annoyed you might be when you are messing about with a lyre. The Devil - that purveyor of all the finest tunes – won’t give a monkey's unless you have sufficient aural firepower to make earholes bleed at fifty paces.
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[edit] History
[edit] The Ancient World
Consequently the Greeks and Romans, for all their fancy Classical talk and toga parties, were frankly quite rubbish at singing sweary songs. They might have been pretty good at luring an unsuspecting nymph into bed with their sweet talk and strumming, but expressing their disappointment in song when their other half caught them at it was doomed from the beginning. Veni vidi vici, my arse.
[edit] The Vikings
The Vikings, on the other hand, were a masterclass in bacchanialian musical mayhem. They had it all - big pointy axes, big pointy helmets, shields and armour with big pointy bits on them and, most importantly of all, fuck off loud speakers mounted on the back of their Harleys and custom built BC Warlock guitars wired into the fuel tanks. Viking technology has been much maligned in the past by philistine aesthetic types. What these idiots who didn't realise that the Dark Ages were called that because you can't put on a decent show with the lights on. Trust me, they knew their priorities - there was no fancy philosophical poncing about with these guys. You got yer bike, you got yer guitar, you got yer beer and you got yer woman, wailing guitar solo repeat to fade.
Sadly this state of hop and yeast induced nirvana couldn't last forever. There are only so many songs the Viking bards could sing about fighting, drinking, swearing, riding your Harley, swearing, drinking and how wonderfully attractive (yet fickle) lady folk can be. It wasn’t long before they ended up boring their audiences with four hour song cycles about stupid dragons messing about with young beautiful trolls with mandatory bodhrán solos. Many of those in the Viking community accused the bards from selling out, citing lucrative helmet sponsorship deals and pimped up longboats as a sign of them being out of touch with their fans. Finally, in a pique of frustrated anger the leader of the bards, Sigmund Stardustsson, broke up the band and destroyed all evidence of their superior Viking craftmanship and started salmon fishing near Jorkvic.
[edit] Modern Times
The least said about the next few hundred years the better. It’s hard to rock out wearing a cod piece since your guitar won’t lie flat against your stomach. …And have you ever tried playing with your teeth when wearing a ruff? These fashion choices meant that, while the potty mouth was evidently willing, the desire to use colourful expletives soundtracked by the sound of small continents grinding against each other was somehow lacking.
As for the rest of history… Meh.
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