Swedish language
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“Fuck that's a messed language.”
~ Jason on Swedish Language
“My bum is on the Swedish. Sweeeedish.”
~ Tom Green on Swedish
Swedish language is a minority language of Sweden spoken only by Saint Petrus Bistertafel. It is generally considered unsound and a point of controversy for the habitants of Sweden as well as the users on Wikipedia. It's also said to be the ugliest language ever ffs - by the inhabitants themselves, showing typical Swedish modesty. They also rightly consider Danish to be even uglier. (no-one want to speak a language that make you sound like you are throwing up all the time)
The official languages of Sweden are naturally bork, Finland-Swedish and the Scanian language. BORK BORK
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[edit] En/Ett
When August Strindberg created Swedish, he decided to add two neutral genders of pure evil. The indirect articles of those are "en" and "ett". When you say a Swedish noun, you HAVE to know wether you should use "en" or "ett". Otherwise, you are classified as a retarded hippo. The tricky part is that there is no rational way of telling what word you should use. This enforces you to learn every swedish substantive by agonizing night long studies.
For example:
You say: Ett drink? (An drink?)
The swedish girl answers: MEN GÅ OCH DÖ JÄVLA NEGER!! (Drop dead you fucking yankee!)
You say: En drink (A drink?)
She answers: Okej då. Knulla? (Yeah thanks. Do you want to follow me home afterwards?)
Historically, it is known that "en" and "ett" originate from a gender system similar to German. In Viking-age Old Swedish, there were four genders: man, woman, castrate and gay. These were merged to just en "transsexual/androgynous" and ett "gay neuter".
[edit] Prosody
The prosody of the Swedish language is marked by a diffused use of the sje-sound, a sound not used in any other language, and allegedly so diffused it is not even used in the Swedish language. In any case, the definition of the sje-sound is yet to be decided, so far the only conclusion drawn is that it is hard to pronounce. Partly so because it is undefined. See, for example, Ladefoged for a longer discussion on whether the sje-sound should be wholly eliminated from the modern language or not.
Unusually, all syllables are stressed. This is quite natural because every Swedish speaker naturally assumes that everything he says is important and should be stressed; also, all syllables are equally important and none should be discriminated against. Also, the tone of every other second syllable is low, almost growling, while each other syllable is high, in the castrate frequency band. The higher the variation, the more manly it sounds. Swedish speakers deny that this would sound funny, except in Finland-Swedish, where no tones are used. In other words, Swedish sounds like Norwegian spoken by a Thai with a Hindi accent who was raised in Germany, with lots of tongue-rolling. And ABBA.
[edit] Grammatical Features
Swedish grammar was first described in the Tolkappiyam, an ancient manual of the Tamil language, that dates from the 1997AD when Ulrika Jonsson was imported to Britain.
Swedish distinguishes two genders, that is 'good' and 'bad.' Most nouns not agreeing with the current Prime Minister are marked as bad, while those who agree are marked as good. Thus a speaker of Swedish has to re-learn what gender belongs to what noun every now and then.
'Bad' nouns takes the suffix -evil while 'good' nouns take the suffix -nice. Plural in Swedish is formed by adding über- to the word. For example, übersocialdemokratevil means "Social Democrats".
Swedish verbs are discriminated by the Current Head of Sentence, and thus, they're all marked with the insulting suffix -a. What actually happens when a verb is conjugated is that it rises and fights the rest of the sentence, taking on the ending -bruce lee. To form the future or the past tense, simply put gissa vad before the noun (it means "guess what").
[edit] Phrases in Swedish
- "Ja just det" = Yeah, right!
- "Spelar roll" = Whatever.
- "Bögen från Smögen han sög sig förmögen" = The gay from village Smögen sucked himself a fortune.
- "Farfar, får får får? Nej, får får inte får, får får lamm." = Paternal grandfather, do sheep have sheep? No sheep don't have sheep, sheep have lambs.
- "Vart tog vägen vägen? Vi åker på en åker." = Where did the road go? We are driving in a field.
- "Sex laxar i en vaxad laxask." = Six salmons in a waxed salmon box.
- " Jättebra!! " "Vad sa du" are two common phrases that yet contains half of Swedish. It is interesting how Swedish use this "Vad sa du" which means "What the hell are you talking about" so often. As we know phrases give the culture of nations, one can easily understand how Swedes can not understand eachother, and since they do not understand each at all, finally they are getting tired of asking "Vad sa du" ,the easy way is to use "Jättebraaa" which means , "I have no idea about what you are talking about but as I am Swedish I have to agree". oh by the way , 'Precis!! is also a common word for Sweds, for the same reasons above.
- I åa ä e ö, o i öa ä e å = On a river is an island, and on the island is a river
- Sju söta sjösjuka sjuksköterskor seglar med segelskepp till Shanghaj = Seven cute seasick nurses sail on a sailship to Shanghai
- Sex svenska fiskebåtar. Six Swedish fishing boats.
- Hon säljer snäckskal nere vid kusten. She sells seashells down by the seashore.
- Det är toppen på toppen. It's great on the top.
[edit] Other useful phrases
- Förstör alla robotar! = Destroy all robots!
- Vad hände medan vi sov? = What happened while we slept?
- Får jag slicka ditt sår? = May I lick your wound?
- Jag har en rutten fågel i väskan så jag alltid kan känna lukten av död. = I have a rotten bird in my bag so I always can smell the scent of death.
- Vi skall överkomma, ty Gud är på vår sida. = We shall overcome, for God is on our side.
- Nej, apor är inte blå, men jag har en säl. =No, monkeys are not blue, but I have got a seal.
- Våran flotta är snart funktionsduglig. = Our fleet will soon be operational.
- Du är inte inloggad, överväg att registrera ett konto om du inte vill att din IP-adress ska loggas i den här sidans ändringshistorik. = You are not logged in, consider registering for an account. If you don't, your IP address will be recorded in this page's edit history.
- Jag tvättar mig själv med en trasa på en pinne. = I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
- Hunden är i ugnen. = The dog is in the oven.
- Stanna annars skjuter jag! = Stop or I'll shoot!
- Här stannar vi och röker tobak. = Let's stop to smoke some tobacco.
- Du är för dålig för att kasta sten. = You are too bad to throw rock.
- Åh nej, inte Sagan om de Bannlysta! = Oh no, not the Tale about the Banned!
- Läderlappen = The Leather Patch , Swedish translation for "Batman"
- Kan du läsa det här, försvinn från min tomt! = If you can read this, get off my lawn!
- Regeringen tvingar dig att ta munspelslektioner. = The government is forcing you to take harmonica lessons.
- Du är en jävla rövhatt! = You are a fucking asshat!
- Jag vill älska med din systers förstfödde son. = Can you help me find the train station, please?
[edit] Swedish Insults List
If you ever come to Sweden, you probably don't want to be unprepared! This list will teach you the basic insults of the Sweden Language! (Work in progress)
- Dö, ditt äckliga svin! = "Die, you filthy bastard!"
- Du är ful! = "You are ugly!"
- Din mamma är ful och din pappa är ondskan själv! = "Your mom's ugly and your dad's evil inpersonated!"
- Du är en bajs(korv) = "You are a poop" (Use only when talking to children under the age of 9)"
- Jag kommer att knulla dina inälvor = "I'm going to fuck your guts"
- Du din lilla rackare = "Why you little rascal"
- Ta mig i röva = "Take it my ass"
- Sug min kuk = "Suck my cock/dick"
- Hyperneuroakustiska diafragmakontravibrationer = "Hiccup"
- Jag är lugn som en filbunke = "I want to fuck you over, man"
[edit] An Example of Swedish
This is the first part of a Swedish folk tale.
Vi går och slåss mot tomtar som har invaderat vårt kära hemland. Men gissa vad, nu ska vi slakta kossor.
Which has the following literal translation:
We go and fight gnomes who have invaded our dear home country. But guess what, we shall now slaughter cows.
[edit] "Din mamma"
WARNING: BORING SECTION. It doesn't mean what it says, wow, that's so fucking original.
"Din mamma" is the loveliest compliment you can give to a Swede, IF he/she is from the 'Hood', is 'tanned' even in the vinter, listens to names like Mohammed or Dejan, or simply is too cool. (The REAL Swedes on the other hand, those that drink coffe Latte, will just be confused and think you speaks "Stockholmska".)
The translation would be:
"I love you so much but I shouldn't thank you for being like you are, I should thank your mother and I say this to transfer my love to her."
[edit] Och
The most stupid way of spelling a word in the whole universe is the way of spelling "och", meaning "and". Pronounced slowly, it is like Ock, as in Dock Ock. But many times it is ALWAYS pronunced oi. Like... the second part of "boy". Or how about the gruesome super villain Boy Toy? You might just say OI. GOT IT!?
The most usual cause of death in Sweden is suicide by over-contemplating about WHY THE HELL "OCH" IS SPELLED THE WAY IT IS! I CAN'T STAND THIS! IT'S... WAAAAARGHH! *eats dynamite*
Why even bother? There is no chance that you will EVER learn how to pronunce any of the Swedish words.
However, in Scotland, "och" is said in normal day-to-day speech,
Like
"Och, i met this braw lad the other day"
meaning,
"Och, i met this fine boy(man) a day different from this one"
or in Swedish,
"Öhh, jag träffade nån nisse på annandagen."
But the definition of this use of "Och" is untranslatable. And you cannot start a sentence with "And"
[edit] Long Words
In the Swedish language there are no rules for how long a word can be. You can go on and on and on and on forever without breaking any actual rules. Those long words are barely ever used though, which means those Swedish people have made it impossible to tell which word is the longest one in the world. An example of going on forever: Fotbollsmålvakttränarskomaterialtillverkarleverantörarbetsgivare... This far, the word is someone who employs the people who delivers material for those who make shoes for goalkeeper coaches. Unneccesary word, right? And it's by far not the longest.
[edit] Swedish Language variants
There is an old Swedish language called überdalmålevil. It follows a distinguished pattern:
Bork! BORK! bork bork bork.... BORK! BORK BORK! [...]
It should be noted that the überdalmålevil is speaked with enormous tone-variation. Impossible to understand if you are not aboriginal.
There is an ugly swedish language called stockholmskafuckno.
"MMMMMMMNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFRRRRRRRRRRRRPFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"
Also there is a variant called Skånskaevil:
ARUELERÖLERUELELELERÖRÖRÖRÖRÖ! ARULERULERUU! RÖRÖRÖRÖRÖ! HÖWÖWÖRÖHÖRÖWÖÖÄÖ! [...]
Sounding almost like a severely handicapped talking Klingon.
The Swedish spoken by the Swedish speaking Finns are only understood by the Swedish speaking Finns of Finland. This results in a misunderstanding what Swedish really is. As an example of the language:
HITCHE O HEDE JE SHENNAR O KVA HAND NU?
Note that only a Swedish speaking Finn would understand this. Please note though, it's pitch doesn't change from screaming to talking lowly every syllable, making it easier to listen. But not to understand.
[edit] Get a Life!
Swedish people usually have a need to be normal, exactly in the middle and not taking a stand against anything. That's why they made the word "lagom" wich basically means not too much, not to little, not too big, not too small, not too... basically, just in the middle, or at least not too far from it.
"Hur långt är det?" = How far is it? "Lagom långt" = Not too far, not too short.
"Hur mycket fläsk vill du ha?" = How much pork would you like? "Lagom mycket" = Not too much, not too less.
[edit] Reference
- Giddens, Anthony Sociology, 2002
- Thatcher, M, How I Conquered Sweden and Other Stories of Success, 1996
- Sögaard, R, Don't Put Hair in my Food, 2001
